Critique my diversity statement, please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
grimfan
Posts: 89
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:40 pm

Critique my diversity statement, please

Postby grimfan » Fri Sep 23, 2011 12:01 pm

Delrte
Last edited by grimfan on Sun Oct 30, 2011 5:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

dani_burhop
Posts: 64
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 5:14 pm

Re: Critique my diversity statement, please

Postby dani_burhop » Fri Sep 23, 2011 12:53 pm

Diversity statements can be taken in a few directions. You've interpreted the DS as an opportunity to show that you embrace multiple cultures and perspectives. Another interpretation is that the DS is your chance to show that your own background and upbringing will add something extra to the incoming class (you have some of this as well). That's the type of DS I usually recommend, because it allows the writer to focus closely on one story.

The issue here is that the essay jumps all over; from one sentence to the next, I'm not sure where I am in the subject matter.

A Korean-Canadian who studied Russian is interesting if you did something interesting with it; otherwise, that should just be a line on your CV. Same goes for extracurriculars.

I would encourage you to think of story, plot, character, resolution - what is a succinct story you could tell that either A) shows your commitment to embracing diverse viewpoints or B) Illustrates how your own background is less-than-typical, and thus worth taking into account?

Based on this draft, I believe you have some decent content to work with; keep revising!

Best, Dani

grimfan
Posts: 89
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:40 pm

Re: Critique my diversity statement, please

Postby grimfan » Fri Sep 23, 2011 8:30 pm

Thanks Dani!

I agree with your point about my statement needing more focus. I will get rid of the part about learning Ruesian and focus on the Indian cultural festival.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Critique my diversity statement, please

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Sep 24, 2011 1:37 am

How does your interest in other cultures impact me as your fellow student? I do not find it very diverse to say I like foreign cultures. You close by talking about your ability to cross boundaries. I saw no evidence of that, other than studying Russian, in your piece. You need to go a bit deeper than this to add value to your application.

Your writing is not strong enough. Never say A is B "for the simple fact that..." This represents an example of a remedial writing level.




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