Please critique my PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
smoneill88
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2010 2:23 am

Please critique my PS

Postby smoneill88 » Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:30 pm

REMOVED FOR EDITING. THANK YOU
Last edited by smoneill88 on Sun Sep 25, 2011 7:46 pm, edited 4 times in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:58 pm

Edited.

jcarsen
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2011 11:45 am

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby jcarsen » Thu Sep 22, 2011 6:17 pm

The statement flows very well, topic-wise.

One thing that jumped out at me is the use of some "purple prose"--eg, "classes commenced", "anxiety not quelled," "swiftly chose." I would make it a bit more conversational; most people don't talk this way in the real world, and this sort of language detracts from your message. It comes across as trying too hard.

Also, the recurring "adrift at sea" metaphor throughout doesn't really work, in my opinion--the statement would be stronger without it.

Finally, "Entertainment Lawyer" should not be capitalized.

Best,
Jen Carsen
Law School Statement Editor
http://www.spam.com

smoneill88
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2010 2:23 am

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby smoneill88 » Fri Sep 23, 2011 12:47 pm

Thanks Jen. After reading it, I definitely see the 'purple prose' more, going to go through and eliminate some (but not all) of it. I don't want to sound TOO conversational, but right now there definitely are a few instances where it comes off as 'try hard'. Your other comments are duly noted, too. Going to try a draft with less of the metaphor and see how it feels. Also went through and found a couple more typos on top of the 'entertainment lawyer' thing (I was missing an 'of' in the very first sentence...d'oh).

Bump for the new day, I'd love to get more feedback. I'm hoping to send out a few apps, including this one, by Sunday.

dani_burhop
Posts: 64
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 5:14 pm

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby dani_burhop » Fri Sep 23, 2011 12:56 pm

I wouldn't recommend sending this anywhere; the essay makes me doubt your candidacy. I strongly recommend that you re-focus this on one story that illustrates your strengths, and not spend much (or any) time discussing how confused you were when you were 18.

Best, Dani

bmore
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby bmore » Fri Sep 23, 2011 1:20 pm

I was insecure, lost and uncertain, living in a state discomfort that tore at my conscience and insecurities

Redundant. Too dramatic. I am not sure Business Law generally requires the effort you say you had to make. This sounds more like a resume than a personal statement. Please take all this constructively.

smoneill88
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2010 2:23 am

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby smoneill88 » Fri Sep 23, 2011 3:30 pm

bmore wrote:I was insecure, lost and uncertain, living in a state discomfort that tore at my conscience and insecurities

Redundant. Too dramatic. I am not sure Business Law generally requires the effort you say you had to make. This sounds more like a resume than a personal statement. Please take all this constructively.


dani_burhop wrote:I wouldn't recommend sending this anywhere; the essay makes me doubt your candidacy. I strongly recommend that you re-focus this on one story that illustrates your strengths, and not spend much (or any) time discussing how confused you were when you were 18.

Best, Dani


I can see what you mean. Maybe if I minimize the 'lostness' at the beginning and focus more on the positive turnaround portion of the story + my resolution then this will bring the 'strength' out more? I'm wary of taking out ALL of the insecurity/conflict out, because a good narrative has to have some negatives, otherwise it's boring and has no conflict, nothing to overcome. I can also make the ending less of a resume and focus more on how the work i pursued showed me that specifically entertainment law was the right thing for me (make it less like a list, more like a continuation of my epiphany).

In my mind, the purpose and intention of this essay is to show how once I found my love for studying the subject matter of law, I took that and applied it to my interests and now have a clear direction that I have already worked very hard to pursue, thus showing drive, determination, cognitive ability, and commitment.

dani_burhop
Posts: 64
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 5:14 pm

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby dani_burhop » Sat Sep 24, 2011 1:45 am

Just reading through the materials on this site; this particular page might assist you in reshaping your content:

http://www.top-law-schools.com/chapter3.html

...decide which rhetorical structure suits you best. The difficulty with emotional appeals, I would argue, is that often "I feel/felt" statements end up making the applicant sound emotional, instead of eliciting an emotional response from the reader - which is the goal.

Best, Dani

smoneill88
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2010 2:23 am

REVISED - Please critique my PS

Postby smoneill88 » Sat Sep 24, 2011 3:01 pm

REMOVED FOR EDITING
Last edited by smoneill88 on Sun Sep 25, 2011 7:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Sep 24, 2011 3:13 pm

This is a dramatic improvement from your first offering.

Consider removing the name of the professor. Also, you missed a few commas.

P.S. The first two paragraphs are excellent, in my opinion.

smoneill88
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2010 2:23 am

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby smoneill88 » Sat Sep 24, 2011 3:31 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:This is a dramatic improvement from your first offering.

Consider removing the name of the professor. Also, you missed a few commas.

P.S. The first two paragraphs are excellent, in my opinion.



I included the name of the prof because he is one of my Letters of Rec. Figured it would be a great way to continue to tie my whole application together. Should have mentioned that earlier.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Sep 24, 2011 3:33 pm

Then you should definitely delete his name, in my opinion.

smoneill88
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2010 2:23 am

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby smoneill88 » Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:50 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Then you should definitely delete his name, in my opinion.


Why so? Not questioning, just want to understand before I pull the trigger on this. I thought it was a strength of the essay, having it directly connect to a letter of rec.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:55 pm

Adds nothing from your PS, in fact, it detracts because readers may wonder why a specific prof's name was included, plus you have to be careful when using others' names.




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