looking for input on this personal statement

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looking for input on this personal statement

Postby greeny99 » Wed Sep 21, 2011 1:33 pm

New to the site let me know what you think or if im even going in the right direction. thank for the help.
Last edited by greeny99 on Tue Oct 18, 2011 12:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: looking for input on this personal statement

Postby jim-green » Mon Sep 26, 2011 2:30 am

This is very good, except it should be father's ambitions.

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Re: looking for input on this personal statement

Postby kublaikahn » Tue Sep 27, 2011 2:11 pm

This is very poorly written. First, you did not face choices, you made them. You faced obstacles. This is an obstacles statement, which should be added along side a useful PS

Start by removing every instance of the passive voice. It makes your writing overly wordy and ineffective.

Hone in on your thesis. I think you should frame this piece as you were forced by your circumstances to be an adult before you were ready. You did your best to provide for your family, improve your station, and then, do what you could to help others (your family and friends). Come clean that you are a work in progress, but show your growth and improvement despite lacking leadership and support.

Then write a good PS about another theme.

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Re: looking for input on this personal statement

Postby cutecarmel » Sun Oct 02, 2011 1:12 am

I didn't really read in detail, but just some grammatical errors.

"eightH grade"
a "hard-pressed lesson" doesn't really make sense;
"fork in the road" is a little to informal, in my opinion
You write:
"As a recipient of generosity to get to the point I am, I respected every single thing individuals have done for my family and pondered how can I give as a person with nothing?"
But it might be better to say:
"As a recipient of generosity, I respected everything that others have done for my family and wondered how I could give back when I have nothing to give" or something along those lines.

Also about law:
Lawyers are not involved in EVERY business/important decision
The study of law isn't ALL about past decisions etc
*Both of theses statements are too strong and incorrect*

In general, I think you should focus less on the difficulties in your life and more on how you overcame them and what characteristics you have developed as a result. You've gotten more out of your life than just the desire to give back. You are independent, persistent, dedicated, and empathetic as well.
Some ideas in your PS are sporadic and I suggest that you take a bit more time to find connections between all of the ideas and find ways to smoothly transition into distinct ideas.

Hope that helps. I look forward to your next draft

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