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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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sn20
Posts: 157
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:36 pm

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Postby sn20 » Fri Sep 16, 2011 6:03 pm

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Last edited by sn20 on Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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thelawschoolproject
Posts: 1364
Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 12:58 am

Re: PS Feedback/Revisions Please

Postby thelawschoolproject » Sat Sep 17, 2011 10:18 am

Here are some of my personal thoughts, feel free to take them or leave them!


*First of all, your syntax and overall sentence-structure is distracting. Be sure that when you get to the rough draft that you have someone heavily edit your PS for you. This will make your piece much more effective.

*The way that you begin the piece is interesting. You mention your Korean-American upbringing, and to be honest, I thought your piece was going to be more about your heritage than about anything else. Now that I know it's not, I feel slightly disconnected from your story. You mention that football was your passion and that you should have been following your passion instead of the path, so what does that mean for now? That you've realized law school isn't just a path but also a passion? It doesn't come across as overly authentic.

*It mostly seems like you're saying that your commitment to football is a sign that you'll make a good lawyer, because you're passionate about it? While that may be true, the way you present it in this statement seems disingenuous to me. Also, it doesn't leave me feeling like "hey, this person would really contribute to our legal community." Your PS reads more like a person just trying to find something to connect them to law school. I get no sense of what value you have other than you want to be passionate about something, and I don't believe that's enough. In a lot of ways your PS reads like your parents put you on the conveyor belt and you've decided to stay there, even though you went rogue for a while and joined a football team.

Lastly, I'm sure that you have a unique story to tell, but it simply isn't coming across in this version of the PS. I wish you the best of luck!

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sn20
Posts: 157
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:36 pm

Re: PS Feedback/Revisions Please

Postby sn20 » Sat Sep 17, 2011 11:00 am

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Last edited by sn20 on Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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thelawschoolproject
Posts: 1364
Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 12:58 am

Re: PS Feedback/Revisions Please

Postby thelawschoolproject » Sat Sep 17, 2011 3:10 pm

In my opinion, it takes away from the PS as a whole. It seems like you have three parts to your PS: your family's "path," you being an athlete, and pursuing law school. But, it's three parts, not a cohesive unit. With some restructuring, I think it would be more effective.




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