Rewrote PS. Feedback needed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Woobinator11
Posts: 27
Joined: Sat Aug 27, 2011 3:32 pm

Rewrote PS. Feedback needed

Postby Woobinator11 » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:05 pm

Down for revision, thanks to all for feedback.
Last edited by Woobinator11 on Sat Sep 17, 2011 6:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Rewrote PS. Feedback needed

Postby thederangedwang » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:07 pm

first impressions...i really like it, the writing is solid and concise. going to lunch now so will edit my response later with more comments

Woobinator11
Posts: 27
Joined: Sat Aug 27, 2011 3:32 pm

Re: Rewrote PS. Feedback needed

Postby Woobinator11 » Fri Sep 16, 2011 2:05 pm

thederangedwang wrote:first impressions...i really like it, the writing is solid and concise. going to lunch now so will edit my response later with more comments


looking forward to it.

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Rewrote PS. Feedback needed

Postby sparty99 » Fri Sep 16, 2011 2:11 pm

Horrible run-on sentence:

"Being a Palestinian Christian, an ever shrinking minority, originally from the northern Israeli city of Nazareth, my family was in great dismay when I decided to live in the West Bank city of Ramallah"

Flowery/BS:

"It is in this spirit of transcending boundaries to build connectivity that I aspire to continue in this trajectory." How do you build connectivity?

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Rewrote PS. Feedback needed

Postby sparty99 » Fri Sep 16, 2011 2:30 pm

I have lived these tensions and myself been heavily stereotyped; despite this, I continue to search for ways to break them down.

- offers no proof on how you were stereotyped. Additionally, the above sentence is poorly written. "...myself been heavily stereotyped."

"busty blondes" - immature and sexist term.

"sound and ethical economic flows" - sounds too academic. "flows"

"As an American, I was privileged to have the mobility necessary to transcend those borders and freely travel both to and from the region and also within it" - Get rid of "within it."

"much one-on-one time." Speak clearly. Much doesn't belong and one-on-one time is colloquial language. It is ill-advised to use colloquial language in business/legal documentation.
Last edited by sparty99 on Fri Sep 16, 2011 2:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Gizmo
Posts: 58
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2011 7:24 pm

Re: Rewrote PS. Feedback needed

Postby Gizmo » Fri Sep 16, 2011 2:36 pm

rtotari wrote:Being a low-income Palestinian teenager who has spent his whole life in refugee camps and has never seen an ocean, he took it upon himself to educate me, and proceeded to tell me everything he knew about beaches, lifeguarding and busty blondes.

It's grammatically unclear if the first clause is referring to you or your friend.

Also, you use this sentence construction a lot (Being ____).

Revolver066
Posts: 261
Joined: Mon Dec 13, 2010 7:54 pm

Re: Rewrote PS. Feedback needed

Postby Revolver066 » Fri Sep 16, 2011 2:36 pm

Third paragraph, 'After graduating, I decided that is was time for me"

-Should be "it" instead of "is"

Woobinator11
Posts: 27
Joined: Sat Aug 27, 2011 3:32 pm

Re: Rewrote PS. Feedback needed

Postby Woobinator11 » Sat Sep 24, 2011 5:58 pm

down for editing
Last edited by Woobinator11 on Mon Sep 26, 2011 12:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Rewrote PS. Feedback needed

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Sep 24, 2011 6:53 pm

Vague terms are vague. Obvious right?

As an Arab-American, and also a Palestinian-Christian, I have been confronted with many stereotypes growing up. I grew accustomed to preconceived notions about my values, beliefs, and allegiances. (for example, but use your own words that are more descriptive than "confronted stereotypes") Assimilating into my social environment I struggled to assimilate into the American mainstream, while at the same time trying to embraceing my hyphenated identity rich Palestinian religious and cultural heritage, which brought with it a culturally rich and diverse background, was a constant challenge [you know this is a poorly constructed passive sentence, who is the subject?]. I struggled to make sense of it all reconcile my American life with my parents rich traditions, but more so to help others make sense of it importantly, to impart upon others that I could loyally share their values and hold diverse values as well (help me out here)]. [new paragraph] Growing up in a politically-charged family, I was exposed to varying perspectives of the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. I often heard about the separation wall dividing people from each other, and daily checkpoints limiting the transportation of goods.




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