Rough first draft - be ruthless.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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euskadi
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Rough first draft - be ruthless.

Postby euskadi » Thu Sep 15, 2011 11:27 pm

REMOVED - Although the draft I posted is much different than the one I expect to submit, I've taken it down for now. Thanks for all of the help and comments.
Last edited by euskadi on Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Rough first draft - be ruthless.

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:05 am

A bit too complicated for me. But, on the positive side, I enjoyed reading the first sentence. Ironically, your essay about linguistic limitations fails to communicate your thoughts in a clear manner.

thederangedwang
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Re: Rough first draft - be ruthless.

Postby thederangedwang » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:16 am

IMO this ps is too academic..you use subject specific terminology and phrases in a non-English laungage. The general rule is to avoid these.

Also the personal statement is called that for a reason...it is supposed to be personal. This essay isnt...you spend 60% of the essay talking about language, then another 20% about Carlos...only very little of the ps actually deals with yourself.

In short, this ps shows me nothing about who you are and what you are...i don't know you any better than before i read this. In addition, the verbosity of the language makes you seem really precocious, and i dont mean in the positive sense...to me it jsut seems like you are tying to flaunt your knowledge by throwing out these random terms which you fail to define.

i fully agree with Canadianwolf, a ps about communication that is weighed down by its own ineptness

CanadianWolf
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Re: Rough first draft - be ruthless.

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:19 am

I agree that this PS suffers from verbosity. The lack of clarity suggests that the writer doesn't fully understand his subject matter.

P.S. An effective personal statement should be sincere & genuine, not pompous.

sparty99
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Re: Rough first draft - be ruthless.

Postby sparty99 » Fri Sep 16, 2011 10:56 am

I read the first two sentences and stopped. Are you submitting an essay for the reading section of the LSAT? This is not good. Start over.

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euskadi
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Re: Rough first draft - be ruthless.

Postby euskadi » Fri Sep 16, 2011 11:42 am

Firstly, thanks to all who have shared their thoughts! I haven't given the essay nearly enough thought, so I'm glad to have had heard your opinions. Rereading it now, it's difficult to find my 'voice'. I need to push myself out of this mindset of academic writing that seems to have overtaken my approach to anything I put on paper.

Regarding the topic itself - is it one that could be worth pursuing? Or should I throw it out entirely and attempt to find something more personal?

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euskadi
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Re: Rough first draft - be ruthless.

Postby euskadi » Fri Sep 16, 2011 11:46 am

thederangedwang wrote:In short, this ps shows me nothing about who you are and what you are...i don't know you any better than before i read this. In addition, the verbosity of the language makes you seem really precocious, and i dont mean in the positive sense...


While I do agree with everything you've said, and I really appreciate your taking the time to read and respond, could you elaborate on your use of the term 'precocious'? It can be used to describe a developed behavior or talent - but I've normally only seen it applied to truly impressive young people. I'm neither of which. Perhaps you meant 'pretentious'. This would make a bit more sense.

In any case, thanks again for your comments!

thederangedwang
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Re: Rough first draft - be ruthless.

Postby thederangedwang » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:01 pm

euskadi wrote:
thederangedwang wrote:In short, this ps shows me nothing about who you are and what you are...i don't know you any better than before i read this. In addition, the verbosity of the language makes you seem really precocious, and i dont mean in the positive sense...


While I do agree with everything you've said, and I really appreciate your taking the time to read and respond, could you elaborate on your use of the term 'precocious'? It can be used to describe a developed behavior or talent - but I've normally only seen it applied to truly impressive young people. I'm neither of which. Perhaps you meant 'pretentious'. This would make a bit more sense.

In any case, thanks again for your comments!


According to my understanding, precocious means mature or being more mature than expected. This is usually a positive word, but that is why I said, "and i dont mean in the positive sense"

what i meant was that your writing was overly mature...like an over-ripened fruit...essentially, I think you tried too hard to sound academic, mature, and established in your writing. So instead of impressing people with high caliber of writing, it simply went over their heads......this is especially evident by your use of technical jargon "Sapir-Whorf hypothesis" and non-english phrases "sin papeles"

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Gizmo
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Re: Rough first draft - be ruthless.

Postby Gizmo » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:12 pm

thederangedwang wrote:According to my understanding, precocious means mature or being more mature than expected. This is usually a positive word, but that is why I said, "and i dont mean in the positive sense"

Oh! Like sexually precocious children.

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euskadi
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Re: Rough first draft - be ruthless.

Postby euskadi » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:18 pm

[/quote]

According to my understanding, precocious means mature or being more mature than expected. This is usually a positive word, but that is why I said, "and i dont mean in the positive sense"

what i meant was that your writing was overly mature...like an over-ripened fruit...essentially, I think you tried too hard to sound academic, mature, and established in your writing. So instead of impressing people with high caliber of writing, it simply went over their heads......this is especially evident by your use of technical jargon "Sapir-Whorf hypothesis" and non-english phrases "sin papeles"[/quote]


Thanks for the clarification. Even though I attempted tone down the non-fiction/academic style, I've still managed to struggle a bit in doing this. Do you have any opinion as to the general topic, though? With the right writing style and approach, could it become a good PS?

bmore
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Re: Rough first draft - be ruthless.

Postby bmore » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:20 pm

Unfortunately it is not very personal. Tell them why you would be a good law student.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Rough first draft - be ruthless.

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:23 pm

Your topic needs to be clarified. Essentially, your essay suggests that language can be both a limitation on one's perspective as well as a method for expanding one's understanding. As written, your personal statement seems contradictory & not well thought out. Typically, the first paragraph is the most important because it sets forth the theme of the writing. Your first paragraph is confusing because your theme is not clear; in fact, the text & the conclusion of this piece appear to contradict the opening paragraph---although this is debatable as the opening paragraph lacks clarity.




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