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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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beta
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*removed

Postby beta » Thu Sep 15, 2011 8:15 pm

got enough feedback. thanks guys.
Last edited by beta on Fri Sep 16, 2011 5:38 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: DS critique needed please

Postby thelawschoolproject » Thu Sep 15, 2011 8:43 pm

First of all, what an interesting perspective you must have on the world! I've read a lot of personal statements, but I have yet to read one that actually intrigues me and what's me to learn more about something.

Just a few comments:

- The way your first paragraph is set up, it doesn't make it clear that you weren't raised in India until the end. This was a bit distracting for me personally. I don't know how big of a deal it is, but you definitely don't want your audience to wonder about other things rather than focusing on your message.

-While your story is definitely compelling, I feel like maybe there's too much focus on Jainism and not enough focus on you. I'd like you to provide a small anecdote of an experience so that we can see how Jainism shaped rather than just having you tell us.

-My final thought is why law? You make it clear that you want to explore "ethical reasoning" and that you want to live a "socially responsible life." But, why is that best accomplished through the practice of law? Why not be a teacher, doctor, or found a non-profit that improves relations between people of different cultures? I think that maybe making the connection more concrete might be a good idea.

As a side note, I will say that there are ways for you to make your piece a bit tighter and more concise. I'm a definite advocate of this, but it may just be a writing preference.

I wish you the best of luck!

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Re: DS critique needed please

Postby beta » Thu Sep 15, 2011 8:48 pm

hey thanks, i can definitely throw in an anecdote. any advice on whats superfluous? i have a terrible time being concise.

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beta
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Re: DS critique needed please

Postby beta » Thu Sep 15, 2011 8:49 pm

also, does "Why law" need to come through in a diversity statement?

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: DS critique needed please

Postby thelawschoolproject » Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:04 pm

I apologize, I forgot this was a DS and not a PS, so no "Why law" doesn't need to come across so long as you've got that covered in your PS.

As for what's superfluous, I'd say that where you list basically your beliefs and your behavior it could come across much more effectively if you did more than just "listed" them. So for example, I feel like based on what you mentioned earlier that I already knew you were a vegetarian and while the grass comment has a "unique cool" factor, I probably knew that too. And it'd be more interesting to know how you handled those difficult situations in high school, especially when so many kids just want to fit in. It seems like you were a very mature high school student and that's intriguing as well as invaluable.

As far as sentence-level stuff take the phrase "I was born into a family of people who . . ." A family that you were born into is always going to consist of people, so the prepositional phrase is unnecessary. There's just little redundancies like this that I would edit out. Just a preference thing though.

kublaikahn
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Re: DS critique needed please

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Sep 15, 2011 11:34 pm

You have a very unique experience that you use to develop a trite theme. Dig deeper. Why not make the theme, "The irony of following a moral path that focuses on harmony while being rejected by the world around me for doing so, and rejected by my own for not."

Build this to talk about how you, as a leader, have been able to remain steady, and in so doing, draw others to your views of relatedness and connection. Motion without conflict.

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beta
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Re: DS critique needed please

Postby beta » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:50 am

ok thanks guys--editing.

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rinkrat19
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Re: editing

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:56 am

Jumping in here late, because I see this asked a lot.

You don't need to explicitly explain "Why Law?" but if your essay actually leaves the reader wondering "why in the hell is this person to applying to law school rather than [X]?", you've missed your mark. Either don't ask the question at all, or answer it.

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: editing

Postby thelawschoolproject » Fri Sep 16, 2011 10:30 am

rinkrat19 wrote:
You don't need to explicitly explain "Why Law?" but if your essay actually leaves the reader wondering "why in the hell is this person to applying to law school rather than [X]?", you've missed your mark. Either don't ask the question at all, or answer it.



+1

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Re: editing

Postby beta » Fri Sep 16, 2011 11:58 am

i dont think i need to address it in a diversity statement.

but thanks for the opinions on what is superfluous, thelawschoolproject.

thelawschoolproject wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:
You don't need to explicitly explain "Why Law?" but if your essay actually leaves the reader wondering "why in the hell is this person to applying to law school rather than [X]?", you've missed your mark. Either don't ask the question at all, or answer it.



+1

bmore
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Re: DS critique needed please

Postby bmore » Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:05 pm

I agree that you don't need to mention "why Law" in a diversity statement. I also think it is a great statement. I do think you need a little less about Jainism and a little more about the diversity (benefits, lessons). Just expand a little.

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Re: DS critique needed please

Postby beta » Fri Sep 16, 2011 1:39 pm

hm ok. what do you guys think is unnecessary abt the Jain background? i want to give enough info for context but am not sure what is unnecessary.




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