2nd draft of PS

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grimfan
Posts: 89
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:40 pm

2nd draft of PS

Postby grimfan » Thu Sep 08, 2011 6:41 am

Deleted for revision
Last edited by grimfan on Thu Sep 08, 2011 1:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: 2nd draft of PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 08, 2011 12:08 pm

Awkward & unconvincing.

You seem to be trying too hard to use sophisticated words which are unsuitable. The opening sentence is weak. Forget about why you imagine others pursue a legal career & focus on yourself.

grimfan
Posts: 89
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:40 pm

Re: 2nd draft of PS

Postby grimfan » Thu Sep 08, 2011 12:22 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Awkward & unconvincing.

You seem to be trying too hard to use sophisticated words which are unsuitable. The opening sentence is weak. Forget about why you imagine others pursue a legal career & focus on yourself.


What made it unconvincing for you?

EliHBCU
Posts: 56
Joined: Wed May 11, 2011 9:05 pm

Re: 2nd draft of PS

Postby EliHBCU » Thu Sep 08, 2011 12:30 pm

I agree with CanadianWolf- you sounds like you are trying to write what you think they want to hear. I love a good fifty cent word but not when it makes you sound pretentious.

grimfan
Posts: 89
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:40 pm

Re: 2nd draft of PS

Postby grimfan » Thu Sep 08, 2011 12:38 pm

EliHBCU wrote:I agree with CanadianWolf- you sounds like you are trying to write what you think they want to hear. I love a good fifty cent word but not when it makes you sound pretentious.


Are there really that many 50-cent words in there? Maybe it's because I loaded the first paragraph with "marveled", "archetypal", and "impetus"? Because I read through my essay and I honestly don't see that many buzzwords.

But that's easily fixable. I'm more concerned with what made it unconvincing to CanadianWolf. Any help here?

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: 2nd draft of PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 08, 2011 12:47 pm

The words in the first paragraph set the tone. And your introductory paragraph is very weak.

The essay is unconvincing due to poor word choice & claims as to what "others" think. Try to write in a clear, concise fashion. Your sentences need to be more succinct.

P.S. This writing centers on your love of making films, but concludes with "I want to be a lawyer" without making a convincing connection or transition.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Thu Sep 08, 2011 12:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

grimfan
Posts: 89
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:40 pm

Re: 2nd draft of PS

Postby grimfan » Thu Sep 08, 2011 12:50 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:The words in the first paragraph set the tone. And your introductory paragraph is very weak.

The essay is unconvincing due to poor word choice & claims as to what "others" think. Try to write in a clear, concise fashion. Your sentences need to be more succinct.


How's the overall theme of the essay though?

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: 2nd draft of PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 08, 2011 12:51 pm

The overall theme is weak because it is executed poorly. Most themes work well if written well.

grimfan
Posts: 89
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:40 pm

Re: 2nd draft of PS

Postby grimfan » Thu Sep 08, 2011 12:58 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:The overall theme is weak because it is executed poorly. Most themes work well if written well.


I just feel like you're saying that there's a lot more wrong with this PS than just big words and a few overly general statements about why others want to be lawyers, and I'm trying to further determine what needs to be disposed of. Any more thoughts?

Thanks!

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crumpetsandtea
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Re: 2nd draft of PS

Postby crumpetsandtea » Thu Sep 08, 2011 1:20 pm

I think the problem is that, for something you're apparently so passionate about, this essay lacks any sort of emotion at all. It feels like you wrote it in 20 minutes. The comment about being asian-american seems superfluous, and the 'copyright issues' point seems contrived, as if you're trying to make a connection to your passion for film and your passion for law that doesn't really exist, and copyright issues were the most convenient fallback. I think a better focus might be to concentrate on the making of the film/why you're passionate about it, then devote ONE well-thought out and well-written paragraph to explaining how your passion for film translated into your passion for law. Trying to structure the whole PS around 'film = law' dilutes both end goals (explaining your passion for film, and explaining how that translates into you wanting to go to LS).

Right off the bat, we get the feeling of pretension from you calling your film 'formidable' with nothing to back it up. Why is it so formidable? You're a freshman in college...did it win any prestigious awards? Was it a hard project, and if so why? Was it challenging because you were younger/a freshman (if so, don't call it 'formidable,' as that implies that it was objectively formidable). Also the paragraph about watching your film could be FAR more powerful. It's literally just "i sat and watched it, people liked it, i felt good. everyone should feel good about themselves.' It's also another instance of you coming off cocky because you don't do a good enough job explaining why your film is that great (particularly the phrase "As every calculated joke landed in immensely satisfying fashion"). The phrase "I became convinced" makes it seem like you DIDN'T believe that everyone deserved to feel validated/recognized for their work prior to that experience. That is...probably not something you want adcomms to think about you because it makes you come off as self-centered. I think everyone can agree that people should feel validated and recognized for what they do.

Additionally, the phrase "validated and respected as a work" along with the earlier "feel as I did" implies that you felt like YOU were validated and respected as a work of your own ideas, when really you're referring to your film. This is not the only instance of confusing language/grammar.

And this
My lifelong desire to live in a world where a more diverse group of people has the power to shape their media would have the best chance of being realized if I were educated to utilize the power of the law, and that is why after an unpredictable journey that began with a pre-quarter-life crisis on my 21st birthday which led to my foray into film, I know that the next stage for me is law school.

is an incredibly convoluted run-on. It does nothing for your essay and TBH I just skipped from "diverse...quarter life crisis...stage for me is law school" simply because there are SO many words in the sentence. It's unwieldy. Moreover, it's not the only sentence in the PS that is unwieldy/a run on. I think the fact that you write in huge run-ons adds to the air of pretension that some of the others are picking up on.

I could probably go on but I think you get the idea. This is just what hit me from a cursory reading of the PS.

grimfan
Posts: 89
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:40 pm

Re: 2nd draft of PS

Postby grimfan » Thu Sep 08, 2011 1:34 pm

crumpetsandtea,

Thanks! That was very helpful!




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