Please critique my PS rough draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jperez21
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 10:55 am

Please critique my PS rough draft

Postby jperez21 » Thu Sep 08, 2011 2:11 am

I can still remember my first job interview; it was spring of 2002. The elevation of my heart rate anticipated the pressure, and I was so nervous I actually walked half a mile in the opposite direction from the office. Once I arrived, I sat quietly in the reception area and waited to be called. After a few minutes, I heard a soft voice from across the hall, “Come on in Juan”. It was the beginning of a journey that has changed the entire perception of who I am.

Mr. E (coincidently he calls me Mr. J) is not your average boss. In fact, he is one of the most distinctive individuals you will ever encounter. Meet him once and his aura will diffuse warmth and confidence with just a shake of hands. Trust me, I’ve felt it. He has never attended college or taken courses on how to run a business. Even then, he has managed to survive more than forty-five years in the real estate business. Yet, none of this is what makes him significantly special. Not his abundance of humility or his professional achievements. You see, Mr. E happens to be a totally blind realtor. After losing his sight at age thirteen due to a retinal detachment and a series of unsuccessful surgeries, he wanted to take his life away. Everything was gone, and he felt he had no purpose in living anymore. His ambitions, now faded, of being a commercial airline pilot were beyond his reach. Still, he knew he wanted to make a life for himself and by the age of twenty-four with the help of some generous friends, he passed his real estate license exam. He was on his way to becoming one of the most successful realtors in South Florida.

Why did I land this job? Was it destiny or coincidence? I have asked myself the same questions several times for nearly ten years. I will probably never know the definite answer, but it is clear to me that it all plays a bigger part in shaping my veracity and professional career. Now I can conceptualize the essence of life in an entire different perspective. There are never impediments but merely inconveniences and ultimately we can overcome them.

This man resembles the epitome of triumph, and working as his personal assistant for all these years has inspired me to work harder for everything. Several years ago, my undergraduate education was finally getting back on track and I had finally discovered my purpose in life. On the other hand, I started to appreciate and understand that very few people have the privilege of working with someone this extraordinary. His integrity, kindness, and determination were similarly reflecting off me. I finally understood why I am still here, and whether you call it fate or chance, I have a deep sentiment that I have found what many individuals lack. Nothing in life comes easy, but if you are genuinely willing to sacrifice and devote yourself entirely to reach your goals you will persevere. If there is one thing I have learned from this man, is that in life, some people have sight and others have vision.

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JA2942
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 5:09 pm

Re: Please critique my PS rough draft

Postby JA2942 » Thu Sep 08, 2011 2:16 am

I think it needs some work. You don't really say much about yourself as the entire PS is centered around Mr. E. You briefly mention what he taught you at the end, but I think you need to make that the emphasis of the PS or change the topic entirely. Remember, you're trying to sell yourself to these schools. What in this PS would make you stand out to a particular school?

jperez21
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 10:55 am

Re: Please critique my PS rough draft

Postby jperez21 » Thu Sep 08, 2011 2:23 am

JA2942 wrote:I think it needs some work. You don't really say much about yourself as the entire PS is centered around Mr. E. You briefly mention what he taught you at the end, but I think you need to make that the emphasis of the PS or change the topic entirely. Remember, you're trying to sell yourself to these schools. What in this PS would make you stand out to a particular school?


Thank you for the observations and critique, yes I think I need to add a little more about me.

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MrHaephestus
Posts: 34
Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2011 6:11 pm

Re: Please critique my PS rough draft

Postby MrHaephestus » Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:37 pm

Howdy,

Remember you will be submitting a personal statement; so make it more personal. The focus needs to be on you.

Oh, and you have placed your period after the quotes. In British English such punctuation is acceptable; however, in American English I believe the punctuation still must be place within the quotes. I was taught English by a Scotsman though, so I tend to flip-flop between the two, but I think you'll be applying to American schools, yes? No worries though. Polish your PS, and have fun with it. Best of luck!

4910
Posts: 142
Joined: Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:42 pm

Re: Please critique my PS rough draft

Postby 4910 » Fri Sep 09, 2011 1:45 am

is this a troll ps? i was cringing when i read this essay. why is mr.e even in your law school statement? the only thing i learned about you was that you are his wannabe and that you like to talk to yourself within your own personal statement.

anmar213
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Aug 05, 2011 2:51 pm

Re: Please critique my PS rough draft

Postby anmar213 » Fri Sep 09, 2011 2:56 am

Its not a troll, just a guy needing help. You really don't have a lot of space to talk about yourself, so you should really cut out all the fluff about Mr. E. I'm sure he's a great guy but pretty much everything you say about him is irrelevant as to why you should be in law school.

jperez21
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 10:55 am

Re: Please critique my PS rough draft

Postby jperez21 » Fri Sep 09, 2011 9:33 am

Thanks peeps, I'll be working on a whole different one soon. I figured this is like a trial and error situation.




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