Personal Statement...help!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
sea15
Posts: 129
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2011 2:20 pm

Personal Statement...help!

Postby sea15 » Wed Sep 07, 2011 9:14 pm

Sooo close to being completely ready to send off my applications. This has been revised a couple of times and I would greatly appreciate your input (both for grammar and content).

I will take the essay down after I get some good edits, so please don't quote the entirety. I have removed identifying information. Thanks!


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Last edited by sea15 on Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ahnhub
Posts: 578
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 3:14 pm

Re: Personal Statement...help!

Postby ahnhub » Thu Sep 08, 2011 1:07 am

I think this PS is quite good, and almost there in terms of shape, style and direction. I love the theme of how you have tempered your expectations, but still remain committed to public service--this makes you come off as very mature. I think you could maybe show how your expectations didn't accord with reality when you were less experienced--what did you expect it would be like? I also don't quite get a sense of the frustrations you experienced in your work--many of the experiences you list do seem quite fulfilling. But again, I think it's pretty close. Good job.

sea15
Posts: 129
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2011 2:20 pm

Re: Personal Statement...help!

Postby sea15 » Thu Sep 08, 2011 1:09 pm

Thanks for the input. Anyone else?

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13910
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Personal Statement...help!

Postby rinkrat19 » Thu Sep 08, 2011 1:30 pm

Not bad, but I think reorganizing it could make it more compelling. You start off with a fairly dry list of experiences (most of which can probably be gleaned from your resume) and then get into the more interesting stuff with the kids in general (paras 4-5) and Katie in particular (para 6). personally, I would draw the reader in with an anecdote involving Katie, then mention how she'd progressed from learning to write to quadratic equations, and mention something you've learned from her/how teaching her made you feel/etc. Then you could loop back to listing a few other experiences (Uganda, etc.) and talk about how public service is messy. Come back to Katie and say how she still stands out in your mind (why?).

Obviously you are interested in a PI law career, but it's not clear that you have any idea what that could be. You may not know for sure what kind of job you'll be looking for, but you could list a few possibilities (Legal Aid, DA, counsel for CPS if there is such a thing, etc.) to tie your experiences more to law and show that you're going to law school fully informed.

sea15
Posts: 129
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2011 2:20 pm

Re: Personal Statement...help!

Postby sea15 » Thu Sep 08, 2011 2:08 pm

Thanks. I should redo the introduction to include more about Katie maybe? Should I get rid of the other section (about spring break) and just focus on the story with Katie?

Also, should I add the part of what types of law I'm looking at at the end or incorporate it throughout? I realize this is a a broad question.

Thanks for the input!




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