Rough Rough Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
cmartin5970
Posts: 95
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:49 pm

Rough Rough Draft

Postby cmartin5970 » Tue Sep 06, 2011 9:18 pm

Here is a rough rough draft of a letter of intent for NC Central

Community service and helping those in need has always been an integral part of my life. Throughout middle school and especially high school I was very active within my church youth group and participated in various volunteer projects. These projects ranged from mission trips to Charleston, SC, building wheelchair ramps for those in my church, or renovating a house for an immigrant family new to our community. However different these tasks were, they all had a similar goal of helping those in need. As I have matured, my underlying desire to help those who need has remained the same, but my goals and my mission have changed. Throughout college I have been amazed to see all of the social injustices that still exist in America today, and I felt that as my new calling. I realized that minority groups, immigrants, elderly and people with disabilities are just a few groups of people who need better protection under the law and better representation. This is why I decided that I wanted to go to law school.
The full protection of the law should be available to all citizens of this country, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation or religion. This ideal is what drives me to continue my education and pursue a law degree. To me, a law degree is a tool that can be used to bring about social justice, no matter how large or how small the scale. I am currently enrolled in a Civil Rights class and it is amazing to me how many injustices still occur in this country. It can seem to an outside observer that our country is relatively equal because we do not have any blatant laws segregating any groups of people, but we still have a long way to go until we truly reach equality and justice for all.
This past summer I interned at Rockingham County Courthouse in Wentworth, NC and it saddened me to see how differently lawyers treated court-appointed cases when compared to cases which they were privately hired. Not only was it very visible by their lack of enthusiasm within the courtroom, it was truly disheartening to hear the lawyers speaking to each other outside of the courtroom. Their apathy towards those who needed their assistance was surprising. Although those who need a court appointed lawyer do not pay as much money, they still deserve the same protection under the law. I personally feel that one’s ability to pay a lawyer should have no correlation to his constitutional right to legal counsel in court.
For these and many other reasons, I want to attend NC Central School of Law next year. The Civil Rights and Constitutional Law Concentration initially drew my attention to the school, but the more I have researched the school and studied the values of the school the more I want to attend there. I toured the school last year and was very impressed by the services that the school offered to low income families within the area. During my internship this past summer I also talked to alumni who went to the school and they also seemed to share similar goal and ideals as I. My dream is to be able to make some sort of change in my lifetime and bring about more equality in this world, whether it is giving better legal counsel to those who normally cannot afford it, or fighting to give immigrants more rights under the law and I feel that NC Central would give me the skills and knowledge that I need in order to accomplish my goals.

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MrHaephestus
Posts: 34
Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2011 6:11 pm

Re: Rough Rough Draft

Postby MrHaephestus » Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:45 pm

Howdy,

I am not a fan of this personal statement. While it focuses heavily on public service and law, it's, well, boring. I say that with kindness though. The statement just does not grab my attention and make me cry, "Yes! This is a fellow who should attend U of Law!" I am not a law admissions officer, so I cannot comment on whether your statement would get you rejected, or accepted; however, I think you need to hook your reader very early on, and subsequently draw them into your story. Bear in mind, your statement will be one of thousands going before the adcomm - a little risk might be appropriate here. It's a personal statement so make it personal and let more of your personality shine through via your writing. That's my advice for what it's worth.

Best,
MrH

cmartin5970
Posts: 95
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:49 pm

Re: Rough Rough Draft

Postby cmartin5970 » Tue Sep 13, 2011 9:48 am

so do you think my overall idea of talking about public service is bad? or just the way i portrayed it

freestallion
Posts: 944
Joined: Thu Jan 13, 2011 2:17 pm

Re: Rough Rough Draft

Postby freestallion » Tue Sep 13, 2011 11:42 am

I agree, you need some sort of narrative or story hook to the statement because otherwise it comes off as quite boring. It probably wouldn't get you rejected but it won't make people WANT to admit you either. It will probably just be a safe statement.

NoJob
Posts: 237
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 11:32 pm

Re: Rough Rough Draft

Postby NoJob » Tue Sep 13, 2011 11:50 am

cmartin5970 wrote:Here is a rough rough draft of a letter of intent for NC Central

Community service and helping those in need has always been an integral part of my life. Throughout middle school and especially high school I was very active within my church youth group and participated in various volunteer projects. These projects ranged from mission trips to Charleston, SC, building wheelchair ramps for those in my church, or renovating a house for an immigrant family new to our community. However different these tasks were, they all had a similar goal of helping those in need. As I have matured, my underlying desire to help those who need has remained the same, but my goals and my mission have changed. Throughout college I have been amazed to see all of the social injustices that still exist in America today, and I felt that as my new calling. I realized that minority groups, immigrants, elderly and people with disabilities are just a few groups of people who need better protection under the law and better representation. This is why I decided that I wanted to go to law school.
The full protection of the law should be available to all citizens of this country, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation or religion. This ideal is what drives me to continue my education and pursue a law degree. To me, a law degree is a tool that can be used to bring about social justice, no matter how large or how small the scale. I am currently enrolled in a Civil Rights class and it is amazing to me how many injustices still occur in this country. It can seem to an outside observer that our country is relatively equal because we do not have any blatant laws segregating any groups of people, but we still have a long way to go until we truly reach equality and justice for all.
This past summer I interned at Rockingham County Courthouse in Wentworth, NC and it saddened me to see how differently lawyers treated court-appointed cases when compared to cases which they were privately hired. Not only was it very visible by their lack of enthusiasm within the courtroom, it was truly disheartening to hear the lawyers speaking to each other outside of the courtroom. Their apathy towards those who needed their assistance was surprising. Although those who need a court appointed lawyer do not pay as much money, they still deserve the same protection under the law. I personally feel that one’s ability to pay a lawyer should have no correlation to his constitutional right to legal counsel in court.
For these and many other reasons, I want to attend NC Central School of Law next year. The Civil Rights and Constitutional Law Concentration initially drew my attention to the school, but the more I have researched the school and studied the values of the school the more I want to attend there. I toured the school last year and was very impressed by the services that the school offered to low income families within the area. During my internship this past summer I also talked to alumni who went to the school and they also seemed to share similar goal and ideals as I. My dream is to be able to make some sort of change in my lifetime and bring about more equality in this world, whether it is giving better legal counsel to those who normally cannot afford it, or fighting to give immigrants more rights under the law and I feel that NC Central would give me the skills and knowledge that I need in order to accomplish my goals.


HAHAHA!!! :lol:

NC Central School of Law??? Did you make that up?

Please go do something else. anything. You will make more as a plumber than you will as a lawyer.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13909
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Rough Rough Draft

Postby rinkrat19 » Tue Sep 13, 2011 12:10 pm

I'm not sure it's a good idea to diss other lawyers like that. It may not be admirable that they show less enthusiasm for court-appointed cases, but it's probably human nature, and pointing it out makes you sound smug, superior and possibly naiive. Who knows, one of the adcomms may have a buddy who takes court-appointed cases in Rockingham County (especially since you're applying to the local school), and you just crapped all over them.

NoJob
Posts: 237
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 11:32 pm

Re: Rough Rough Draft

Postby NoJob » Tue Sep 13, 2011 5:22 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:I'm not sure it's a good idea to diss other lawyers like that. It may not be admirable that they show less enthusiasm for court-appointed cases, but it's probably human nature, and pointing it out makes you sound smug, superior and possibly naiive. Who knows, one of the adcomms may have a buddy who takes court-appointed cases in Rockingham County (especially since you're applying to the local school), and you just crapped all over them.


this PS screems ignorance of the practice of law. but, having actually gone to court, you know more about it than most law professors who go from ug to law school to clerkship to law faculty. seriously.

those lawyers are less enthusiastic because of how miserable their lives are taking a tiny flat fee to represent someone who is likely guilty. They are going to try to settle those fast and then beg the court for some $$$. and they dont usually get a full reimbursement for their time even when they can bill hourly.

the defendants deserve the same protection as wealthier people but with the rethugs (aka Republicans) refusin to fund these programs, no one cannot represent these people well while still being able to make a profit. Making a profit is of course necessary to service student loans and put food on the talbe. also, since no one is funding these positions, there are fewer public interest jobs out there so good luck with that.

You will not bring equality to this world especially if you are forced to work doc review for Bank of america in charlotte. From what I hear, recent law grads are going Okie (like the Grapes of Wrath) and movin to Charlotte to do doc review for BOA cause they hear that they are needed there.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13909
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Rough Rough Draft

Postby rinkrat19 » Tue Sep 13, 2011 5:42 pm

NoJob wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:I'm not sure it's a good idea to diss other lawyers like that. It may not be admirable that they show less enthusiasm for court-appointed cases, but it's probably human nature, and pointing it out makes you sound smug, superior and possibly naiive. Who knows, one of the adcomms may have a buddy who takes court-appointed cases in Rockingham County (especially since you're applying to the local school), and you just crapped all over them.


this PS screems ignorance of the practice of law. but, having actually gone to court, you know more about it than most law professors who go from ug to law school to clerkship to law faculty. seriously.

those lawyers are less enthusiastic because of how miserable their lives are taking a tiny flat fee to represent someone who is likely guilty. They are going to try to settle those fast and then beg the court for some $$$. and they dont usually get a full reimbursement for their time even when they can bill hourly.

the defendants deserve the same protection as wealthier people but with the rethugs (aka Republicans) refusin to fund these programs, no one cannot represent these people well while still being able to make a profit. Making a profit is of course necessary to service student loans and put food on the talbe. also, since no one is funding these positions, there are fewer public interest jobs out there so good luck with that.

You will not bring equality to this world especially if you are forced to work doc review for Bank of america in charlotte. From what I hear, recent law grads are going Okie (like the Grapes of Wrath) and movin to Charlotte to do doc review for BOA cause they hear that they are needed there.

Unhelpful and only slightly relevant. Who are you trying to argue with?

cmartin5970
Posts: 95
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:49 pm

Re: Rough Rough Draft

Postby cmartin5970 » Mon Sep 26, 2011 9:07 pm

I have made a few changes, and NC Central is just one school that I am applying to and it was just the first one that I wrote. I will keep all of the paragraphs the same for the other schools and just change the last one. I plan on applying to UNC-Chapel Hill, Wake Forest, Campbell, NC Central, and Richmond.

Any feedback would be great!

Community service and helping those in need has always been an integral part of my life. Throughout middle school and especially high school I was very active within my church youth group and participated in various volunteer projects. These projects ranged from mission trips to Charleston, SC, building wheelchair ramps for those in my church, or renovating a house for an immigrant family new to our community. However different these tasks were, they all had a similar goal of helping those in need. As I have matured, my underlying desire to help those who need has remained the same, but my goals and my mission have changed. Throughout college I have been amazed to see all of the social injustices that still exist in America today, and I felt that as my new calling. I realized that minority groups, immigrants, elderly and people with disabilities are just a few groups of people who need better protection under the law and better representation. This is why I decided that I wanted to go to law school.
This past summer I interned at Rockingham County Courthouse in Wentworth, NC and it further increased my desire to pursue a law degree. I saw firsthand how many people cannot afford legal care and that all of those who could not afford it needed and deserved the same care of others. Upon graduation, I would love to live in an area such as my home county or an inner city where poverty is prevalent and there is a strong demand for court appointed lawyers or public defenders. In addition to this it would be my career goal to work for a civil rights advocacy group that works to bring equality to this country. This mixed with my passion for helping others are the two main reasons why I want to become a lawyer and attend law school.
The full protection of the law should be available to all citizens of this country, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation or religion. This ideal is what drives me to continue my education and pursue a law degree. To me, a law degree is a tool that can be used to bring about social justice, no matter how large or small the scale. I am currently enrolled in a Civil Rights class and it is amazing to me how many injustices still occur in this country. It can seem to an outside observer that our country is relatively equal because we do not have any blatant laws segregating any groups of people, but we still have a long way to go until we truly reach equality and justice for all.
For these and many other reasons, I want to attend NC Central School of Law next year. The Civil Rights and Constitutional Law Concentration initially drew my attention to the school, but the more I have researched the school and studied the values of the school the more I want to attend there. I toured the school last year and was very impressed by the services that the school offered to low income families within the area. During my internship this past summer I also talked to an alumnus who went to the school and they also seemed to share similar goal and ideals as I. My dream is to be able to make some sort of change in my lifetime and bring about more equality in this world, whether it is giving better legal counsel to those who normally cannot afford it, or fighting to give immigrants more rights under the law and I feel that North Carolina Central would give me the skills and knowledge that I need in order to accomplish and achieve my goals.

dani_burhop
Posts: 64
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 5:14 pm

Re: Rough Rough Draft

Postby dani_burhop » Tue Sep 27, 2011 10:13 am

Hmm. The overall prose and theme here aren't quite up to snuff for a law school app. Have you picked up any books that have successful law school essays in them? Reading example essays doesn't help everyone, but I think seeing a few good models could help you with a frame of reference. The difficulty here isn't micro, it's macro - which makes it hard to give shorthand advice here.

best, Dani




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