Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
nucky thompson
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Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

Postby nucky thompson » Tue Sep 06, 2011 3:12 pm

Edit: revising
Last edited by nucky thompson on Wed Sep 07, 2011 9:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

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JamMasterJ
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Re: Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

Postby JamMasterJ » Tue Sep 06, 2011 3:18 pm

Double post

nucky thompson
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Re: Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

Postby nucky thompson » Tue Sep 06, 2011 3:25 pm

My mistake, I did not know I did that. How do I delete one of the them?

EDIT: figured it out, deleted the other. Please read and give me your thoughts

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icecold3000
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Re: Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

Postby icecold3000 » Tue Sep 06, 2011 4:01 pm

Overall I like it. It shows where you are coming from and what drives you. It is not jaw dropping, but it will not get you rejected either.

But . . .the last three paragraphs are lackluster. Particularly where you wrote
Once fully acclimated to the educational grind I strove toward and expected A’s in every class and it eventually came true.

This is a waste of space, the adcomms will have your transcripts.
Also, the last sentence is particularly weak.

I appreciate the chance to do it at your law school


DO WHAT?

Revise this and consider writing a stronger conclusion.

anmar213
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Re: Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

Postby anmar213 » Tue Sep 06, 2011 10:30 pm

Everything I've read about personal statements says to stay away from high school stories. Don't take my word for it, do some research.

nucky thompson
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Re: Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

Postby nucky thompson » Wed Sep 07, 2011 12:07 am

i have read this as well... I have also read that writing about something sincere and revealing is more important. I have tried to include some things from college without repeating resume, not doing that well i suppose.... agreed conclusion is weak, main reason I titled this thread "near final..."

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$1.99
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Re: Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

Postby $1.99 » Wed Sep 07, 2011 2:37 am

such a weak story, you decided to attend college, it was hard for you, you were exposed to the law briefly, you want law school. nothing special about this. plus i don't see how your construction story fits into this? it forced you to go to school? what is that important. this isn't a final draft, it is a garbage draft.

nucky thompson
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Re: Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

Postby nucky thompson » Wed Sep 07, 2011 8:44 am

everyone is entitled to their own opinion - if you honestly cannot see how construction fits into the story you are a fucking idiot

EDIT: maybe you took the LSAT 5 times due to your poor reading comprehension skills.
Last edited by nucky thompson on Wed Sep 07, 2011 9:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

MumofCad
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Re: Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

Postby MumofCad » Wed Sep 07, 2011 8:46 am

Just coming back. You have the start of a PS here, but this should really all be condensed to two paragraphs of an intro. I've already said this though, so I know you have my opinion on the matter. The history about the guidance counselor and what not, isn't relevant. It doesn't tell me anything about you.

I would look more to distill this down to 3 main points in two short paragraphs as an intro to who you are and then tell me something meaningful about something that happened in college to show me, rather than tell me how you had grown over time. Right now, your focus is still way too far in the past. Its good to know a little about your background in the context of a college success, because it gives me context. But the whole essay shouldn't be about that. If you leave as is, I get who you were, but I am unconvinced how you grew and changed and why you would now be a good candidate for law school. The second and third paragraphs should be almost lost completely. The first needs to be tightened up into an effective narrative of some sort and the language is too casual - take out the , certainly, aside in the second sentence for example (its way too informal). Don't try to be casual or conversational when telling your narrative. Its not an effective way to draw people in to your story given the context. Instead, shoot for direct and communicative instead. That will up the sincerity level significantly and draw the reader in.

Best of luck!

MumofCad
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Re: Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

Postby MumofCad » Wed Sep 07, 2011 9:45 am

You could mention it I suppose, but not in the context of "Hey I wrote a really long paper once and was the only A+."

What are your values? Sit down and talk to some people close to you, and ask what they admire most about you. What do friends and family think is great about you? How do you think about yourself? What do you most admire about yourself and in your highest moments, reflect upon with pride?

What are your interests? You are curious about the world, but in what way? How do you think about a more specific type of issue faced by the world?

These are the things that make you who you are beyond your resume. Can you think of a story or a theme that you could weave through your 2 page narrative that answers these questions indirectly?

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$1.99
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Re: Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

Postby $1.99 » Wed Sep 07, 2011 4:56 pm

nucky thompson wrote:everyone is entitled to their own opinion - if you honestly cannot see how construction fits into the story you are a fucking idiot

EDIT: maybe you took the LSAT 5 times due to your poor reading comprehension skills.


it is not an opinion, everyone on this board agrees your ps is trash lol. it is embarrassing to think that you thought it was near a final draft. from your writing skills, i doubt you will be attending a top school so don't diss my 5 lsat scores.

nucky thompson
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Re: Near final draft, please edit (if nec) and offer commentry

Postby nucky thompson » Wed Sep 07, 2011 7:20 pm

haha dude... I have read your post history. I feel bad for you - maybe you should go post some more lies about where you have been accepted/waitlisted/what your lsat scores are/what your gpa is - i mean this is an anonymous website, does writing false accomplishments make you feel good about yourself?

I have received a lot of commentary about my PS - good and bad, and I have tried to make changes accordingly - that is what this forum is for. People who are very very very discontent with their sucky lives (reading your post history, this is clearly you) get on here and try to ridicule people without offering constructive critiques just to make themselves feel better - it is pretty interesting. Good luck with your app cycle! maybe you can still get into a T-6 with that 162




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