PS Rough Draft - Any suggestions?!? Need help!!

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salsahips
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PS Rough Draft - Any suggestions?!? Need help!!

Postby salsahips » Mon Sep 05, 2011 6:20 pm

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Last edited by salsahips on Wed Apr 11, 2012 8:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

kublaikahn
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Re: PS Rough Draft - Any suggestions?!? Need help!!

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Sep 05, 2011 6:27 pm

Don't use a superlative like "the defining year". You could just say it was a turning point or important year. Better, explain what happened so the reader instinctively knows this was integral to your growth and maturity.

You have the basis for a good story with a good moral. The writing just needs to be tightened. You need to be able to summarize the point of this piece in one short sentence.

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salsahips
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Re: PS Rough Draft - Any suggestions?!? Need help!!

Postby salsahips » Mon Sep 05, 2011 6:32 pm

Thanks.

So does the last sentence of my intro paragraph not define the point or impact of the experience enough? Should I be more specific or go into the actual story of what happened a little more?

sparty99
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Re: PS Rough Draft - Any suggestions?!? Need help!!

Postby sparty99 » Mon Sep 05, 2011 7:15 pm

This essay offers nothing. You can spend the first three sentences explaining your father. Then STOP. "My father was a drug addict. When I was eleven, he was arrested for selling 1,000 pounds of cocaine. At the age of 15, he slapped my mother. I knew I didn't want to be like him." Then you go on and tell a positive story on how you are DIFFERENT. What have you achieved? Be specific. "I did not have a role model. I taught myself how to cook by checking out library books. I stayed extra hours at my school so I can avoid my Dad's beligerent rants. This gave me the opportunity to interact with the teachers and learn the subject matter." Blah, blah, blah. Don't say you became something great. Let your work speak for itself. THis needs to be a positive statement, don't focus so much on your fathers failures and you not accomplishing "all the challenges" that you faced. YOu need to come correct.

kublaikahn
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Re: PS Rough Draft - Any suggestions?!? Need help!!

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Sep 05, 2011 8:52 pm

salsahips wrote:So does the last sentence of my intro paragraph not define the point or impact of the experience enough? Should I be more specific or go into the actual story of what happened a little more?

Do you think the last sentence of your opening paragraph states the thesis that the rest of the piece develops?
The experience sowed the seeds for both the mettle and the motivation for overcoming hardship and seeing my goals through to their completion.

Besides not being a thesis of this PS this sentence is poorly written, vague, and mixes metaphors.

If I were you I would explore the ambivalence of love/hate, hurt/hope, fear/courage, etc. that arrive at a point like that. Develop how you learned from and matured in that environment. It is sufficient to say that your father did not live up to the bargain, but don't waste the real estate with your personal tragedy. Focus on your growth and accomplishments.

It is a real and raw moment to say you were mad and scared at the same time. That you loved your dad despite his failures. More importantly pivot from there and express how you dealt with that internal conflict (positively).




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