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Removed for Editing
Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 2:51 pm
by Sigr
Thanks for your suggestions, removed for editing
Re: First draft of my PS , Please critique
Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 5:16 pm
by sparty99
The first paragraph can be taken out. The following paragraphs read too much like a cover letter/resume. I did this, then did this, then did that. Also, you talk about getting fat and sound lazy. GET RID OF THAT. Additionally, you throw too much at the reader. Focus on one theme. Your dad's condition is thrown in at the end and it really doesn't need to be stated.