Removed for Editing

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Sigr
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2011 2:44 pm

Removed for Editing

Postby Sigr » Sun Sep 04, 2011 2:51 pm

Thanks for your suggestions, removed for editing
Last edited by Sigr on Mon Sep 05, 2011 1:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: First draft of my PS , Please critique

Postby sparty99 » Sun Sep 04, 2011 5:16 pm

The first paragraph can be taken out. The following paragraphs read too much like a cover letter/resume. I did this, then did this, then did that. Also, you talk about getting fat and sound lazy. GET RID OF THAT. Additionally, you throw too much at the reader. Focus on one theme. Your dad's condition is thrown in at the end and it really doesn't need to be stated.




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