(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
2 posts • Page 1 of 1
- Posts: 1432
- Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm
The first paragraph can be taken out. The following paragraphs read too much like a cover letter/resume. I did this, then did this, then did that. Also, you talk about getting fat and sound lazy. GET RID OF THAT. Additionally, you throw too much at the reader. Focus on one theme. Your dad's condition is thrown in at the end and it really doesn't need to be stated.
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