Got your PM:
In P1 - I find the use of "customers" to be odd. Since I can't see your actual position or the officer involved (retired possibly and working for a private enterprise), I can't tell for sure, but I don't think you actually mean customers. In the broadest sense, I know I've seen intelligence structures in the military that refer to thinking of end-user content in private sector terms, but....it sounds odd to me in this context since the more general use is for people shopping for a product or in which some sort of (monetary or barter) transaction will occur. I guess I would use something more accurately descriptive of what the person is after.
At the time, (I would strike this pre-phase- hasn't this always been a mission objective since pretty much day 1?) one of the primary missions of the Marine Corps in Afghanistan was to limit the Taliban’s freedom of movement, thereby limiting their access to financing and weapons.
....signals intelligence, ground movement tracking systems (aren't these first two redundant - I'd take out one of these first three because they usually cover redundant intel and the adcoms probably won't know what they mean anyhow, except possibly at Yale and its a little lengthy to list them all) , ground sensor data, biometric data, and human intelligence. This was an especially troublesome task because many of the intelligence disciplines painted different, and often times contradictory, pictures.
Ultimately, I determined the best-fit path by fostering the cooperation of dozens of individuals throughout theMarine Corps and intelligence community and weighing the various inputs from each intelligence (this is a redundant adjective because you already told me what type of disciplines in the previous sentence- so take it out) discipline against the engineering restraints that were calculated. I satisfied the (VERY High-Ranking Officer Dude’s) request by providing him with two options for the route, each of which severely restricted the enemy’s freedom of movement.
Though my time in the Marine Corps is fraught with new challenges daily (this is slightly awkward to me),
....in order to access and employWord choice could be better here all of the necessary variables.
While those lessons learned will certainly help me succeed academically, I am particularly optimistic about the impact that they will have on the student body. One of the aspects of law school that appeals to me the most is the collaborative environment, and, given the opportunity, I am confident that my story will impact _school’s_ law community in a unique and beneficial way. Through classroom discussions, extracurricular activities, and student organizations, I anticipate that my experience fostering dynamic team work and my ability to successfully communicate across boundaries will be of particular influence. I have trouble with this paragraph - the first sentence is so generic that I'm left wondering what student body, the second talks about a collaborative environment when many law schools are anything but (though knowing how to work in a collaborative environment will serve you well in the actual practice of law at a firm or what not and is a skill adcoms look for, I don't think its a huge factor in one's actual success at most schools beyond forming a study group to help prepare for tests). Just not sure that all this isn't already implicit by your above statement or if it wouldn't be much more effectively shown, rather than told in the above paragraphs by just adding in a sentence about how you had to incorporate all of this intel from different sources and people. Then the fact that you've done these things will automatically be assumed that you are contributing your unique skills to the environment. You don't need to tell them that. Just display your characteristics in your narrative.