Please review my personal statement!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
raiderlove
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 5:56 pm

Please review my personal statement!

Postby raiderlove » Thu Sep 01, 2011 6:00 pm

Will someone look over my personal statement and let me know what you honestly think? I was told that it was really good by some but that it lacked why I would be good for the law school by others. Thank you in advance

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raiderlove
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 5:56 pm

Re: Please review my personal statement!

Postby raiderlove » Thu Sep 01, 2011 6:14 pm

Sorry.. It should be set off of private now.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please review my personal statement!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 01, 2011 6:56 pm

I'll offer a brief critique if you PM it to me.

MumofCad
Posts: 974
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:46 pm

Re: Please review my personal statement!

Postby MumofCad » Thu Sep 01, 2011 7:05 pm

Sorry, but you have a host of issues there. You jump around between different tenses frequently and make a host of grammatical mistakes.

The content is also highly problematic. You don't want to use this opportunity to talk about how afraid you are of law school and practicing law. And how clueless you are as to what you want to do if admitted. You also sound like you made one of the worst mistakes someone can make in the context of law - you assume your friend is guilty without any proof.

If this is not trolling, you need to put a lot more thought into how you are going to attack the personal statement.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13917
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Please review my personal statement!

Postby rinkrat19 » Thu Sep 01, 2011 7:28 pm

Your writing style is extremely immature. Sentence structure, vocabulary, and emotional tone all make me think "high schooler" at the oldest. Your language is way too informal for this type of essay ("kind of guy," "it pops up", "Now, I have no clue") and there is no flow between sentences. You start four paragraphs in row with "Now," which would still be a risky move by a much better writer.

Worst of all, it doesn't sound like you have the intestinal fortitude for law school and legal practice. One blip on your radar in an apparently sheltered life and you give up your lifelong dream? You sound more betrayed by your supposed dream job not being all sunshine and rainbows and Law & Order: SVU ("wait, not all child rapists are creepy guys on street corners? They might be outwardly nice people with friends? WAHHHHHH!") than by your friend who allegedy sexually abused children. Then you flit from JAG (let's just say you don't sound like the military officer type in this essay) to real estate law (out of the blue) and state outright that you don't know why you want to go to law school anymore (not exactly what adcomms want to hear).

Immature, oversensitive flake with only a shallow understanding of legal practice and mediocre writing skills. <= That's the impression of yourself you have given me with this essay. That's the impression the adcomms will get. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this impression is not accurate. Start over.

ETA: Incidentally, the "oh noes, not all rapists are creepy guys on street corners" realization angle might actually make a really good topic if handled better.
1. I have always wanted to prosecute child abusers to protect kids.
2. My friend was arrested for assaulting a child.
3. I felt betrayed, because I thought my friend loved kids too.
4. I realized that my previous understanding of protecting kids from perverts was immature. Abusers can be anyone.
5. I do not honestly know whether I would have the strength to prosecute a friend. But the incident proved how essential the job is, because someone has to.
6. I am firm in my desire to protect children somehow. Thus, law school is the next step on this path.
Last edited by rinkrat19 on Thu Sep 01, 2011 7:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please review my personal statement!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 01, 2011 7:32 pm

My impression was & remains quite different. This is a very strong personal statement because it is genuine, sincere & revealing.

darcie
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2011 8:51 am

Re: Please review my personal statement!

Postby darcie » Thu Sep 08, 2011 9:50 am

It needs re-structuring.... Id suggest SPAM they have great editing services




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