First draft help?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jess0512
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Apr 29, 2011 3:24 pm

First draft help?

Postby jess0512 » Tue Aug 30, 2011 1:48 pm

Thanks, probably scrapping the whole thing
Last edited by jess0512 on Tue Aug 30, 2011 2:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13917
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: First draft help?

Postby rinkrat19 » Tue Aug 30, 2011 2:15 pm

Cut out 50% of the vocab words and replace them with a normal word. (Scant, haunts, delving, zeal, akin, reverence, etc.) None of the words is egregiously ill-chosen, but the cumulative effect of using that many of them is pretty annoying. (This is a larger problem in the first half. Second half is ok in that respect.)

Also, you're trying to convince the reader that a few weeks of recent consideration of law as a career path is outweighing an entire lifetime of flakiness. I, for one, am unconvinced that you're not going to change your mind again in two weeks, and it sounds like you're desperately searching for a way to stay in school, any school. It makes you sound immature and scared.
Last edited by rinkrat19 on Tue Aug 30, 2011 2:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CaliforniaGurl
Posts: 145
Joined: Mon Sep 13, 2010 2:03 pm

Re: First draft help?

Postby CaliforniaGurl » Tue Aug 30, 2011 2:16 pm

Unfortunately, I was a little turned off my by your personal statement. I like the straight-forward writing style, but what I got from you is your intense thirst for knowledge of the law without seeing what you intended to do with it afterward. Also, you seem to have a wide variety of interests but appear from your PS not to have had the passion to pursue any of them or create results in any of those interests. I do understand the tree analogy, but the fact is that most twenty-somethings are having an early-life crisis where they're not sure which direction to pursue in their lives after college, and a lot of those people are turning to law school now and finding themselves miserable. I'm not saying that you'll be unhappy with law school or won't be able to indulge in your interests in law school, but this might be a concern to the admins.

I would suggest rethinking the topic of your statement and focus on one of those interests that has really made a relevant and significant impact on your decision to go to law school. Good luck with your cycle.




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