Hit me with your best shot

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Tom Joad
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Hit me with your best shot

Postby Tom Joad » Tue Aug 30, 2011 12:23 pm

Please help me guys. I appreciate it.
Last edited by Tom Joad on Thu Sep 01, 2011 11:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jess0512
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Joined: Fri Apr 29, 2011 3:24 pm

Re: Hit me with your best shot

Postby jess0512 » Tue Aug 30, 2011 1:29 pm

I like how you tied in the opening and closing paragraphs... That's always a good quality in essays.

I dislike the statement "if you guessed blah blah blah then you're correct." This is kind of silly and would require more than one sentence preceding it.

I think that also towards the end your examples of how you deal well with people of different cultures is a little childish... It doesn't really bring out anything different about you, and after all, a Saudi is still just a person. Law school admissions expect you to be able to agree with other people regardless of race. Personally, I would scrap the last few paragraphs. Instead, maybe focus more on what else you learned as an intern. That's just my opinion, though.

I liked your writing style, but some of the flow seemed choppy. Take a few days away from the piece and then re-read it, maybe?

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Tom Joad
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Re: Hit me with your best shot

Postby Tom Joad » Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:29 pm

Thanks for the response.
Last edited by Tom Joad on Thu Sep 01, 2011 11:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MumofCad
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Re: Hit me with your best shot

Postby MumofCad » Wed Aug 31, 2011 5:17 pm

I'm not sure this topic is working for you. Where are you applying?

Here are my concerns:

First, if you are going to write an essay about your ability to communicate to people, you are going to need to make sure you show exemplary (not just average) communication in your own writing. That isn't the case with alot of the phrasing, which could be much more clear and direct. Otherwise, you create a really unflattering juxtaposition for yourself

Here are some examples where you need a re-write in just the one paragraph (sorry I don't have time to be more helpful and edit the entire thing). If its green, I've re-arranged to make the sentence active, if its red I want you to remove it (avoid phrases that are overly casual like "so much." "really" you've got alot of them in here and it gives the writing an immature sound that detracts from otherwise thoughtful commentary)

"I didn’t spend much time considering why I liked Cosmos and other pop science media until I took an honors rhetoric of science class in college . In that class, we were asked to explored the properties of effective communication of ideas which the general public is largely ignorant of (you need to rephrase this - right now it is almost comical to say you explored this idea of effective communication and then phrase it in such a way that I don't know what precisely is being said. I *think* you are trying to say: In class, we explored properties of effective communication, which could translate complex or specialized knowledge effectively to a mass audience. Of course, Dr. Sagan was the master of popularizing science to a mass audience (redudnant, you already tell me its popularized). He could make otherwise boring concepts exciting with his clear language, elegant metaphors, and distaste for making ideas overly complicated (doesn't agree as is, try:simplicity. This conception of a democratic and free dispersion of complex, yet important ideas really stuck with me, one time it especially inspired me was when I was considering my ambition to go to law school."

My other concerns are with content - I also really don't like the Saudi paragraph. While its great you were able to make this guy feel welcome in the US, its not exactly something to brag about. Its sort of required good behavior to treat foreigners kindly. The paragraph makes you seem really sheltered, and this is coming from someone who was genuinely sheltered, so don't think I'm being prejudiced against those of us that weren't exposed to the cosmopolitanism of a big city growing up.

Finally, I'm just not enthused by the theme you try to go with. I found the intro interesting. I was wondering where you were going and wanted to read on. It was very likeable as well.

Then the problems start. First, there are a gazillion websites that have sought to popularize legal knowledge by making wills and other legal forms available to the broader public. As I read it now, I am left wondering if you are aware of this development and if so, why isn't it mentioned how you want to differ from this? And if its not mentioned, why would you be ignorant of what you profess to be motivated by? Hope that makes sense....this idea needs more development.

Then the idea that you are open-minded...I think most law school students generally fit this bill (whether true or not). Most people that have achieved a certain level of education at least *think* they are open and tolerant people. I just don't see it as an effective selling point that will make you seem interesting or stand out or contribute to the diversity of any incoming class.

I hope some of this will be helpful. Apologize again, I don't have more time to really piece through it.

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Tom Joad
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Re: Hit me with your best shot

Postby Tom Joad » Wed Aug 31, 2011 5:39 pm

Tons of thanks MumofCad. You gave me so much to think about and it is all very constructive.

MumofCad
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Re: Hit me with your best shot

Postby MumofCad » Wed Aug 31, 2011 9:45 pm

Tom Joad wrote:Tons of thanks MumofCad. You gave me so much to think about and it is all very constructive.



No problem. I just realized too that I missed something in the edit. No contractions in the PS - you have didn't in that first sentence and it should be did not, etc.

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Tom Joad
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Re: Hit me with your best shot

Postby Tom Joad » Wed Aug 31, 2011 11:36 pm

MumofCad wrote:
Tom Joad wrote:Tons of thanks MumofCad. You gave me so much to think about and it is all very constructive.



No problem. I just realized too that I missed something in the edit. No contractions in the PS - you have didn't in that first sentence and it should be did not, etc.


No contractions? I am not trying to argue with you, I just want to know your reasoning. I understand someone could view the as too unprofessional, but I hate to sound dehumanized.




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