Come on TLS rip my first draft to pieces... if you can!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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tryingtowin
Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Aug 27, 2011 5:28 am

Come on TLS rip my first draft to pieces... if you can!!

Postby tryingtowin » Mon Aug 29, 2011 7:38 pm

Thanks for all the edits!
Last edited by tryingtowin on Tue Aug 30, 2011 2:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

imjustjoking22
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 9:46 am

Re: Come on TLS rip my first draft to pieces... if you can!!

Postby imjustjoking22 » Mon Aug 29, 2011 7:53 pm

Your first draft is (IMO) really strong- there are grammatical problems (I'm on my phone or I would edit it for you) but if you read it out loud to yourself/others they should become clear. I think the overall message is strong and hopeful, although I wondered a bit how you got to college/if there is an interesting transition bit for that as well. If not, leave it out. I'd say it's an 8 right now, with editing even better.

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No13baby
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Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2011 12:42 am

Re: Come on TLS rip my first draft to pieces... if you can!!

Postby No13baby » Mon Aug 29, 2011 11:52 pm

tryingtowin wrote:No but seriously this is my first draft. I am looking for some feedback and I seriously don't want you guys to hold back. I appreciate all who critique this personal statement. Be honest.

Oh and please let me know at the end your overall score of this personal statement. An as is score, and "it's potential score" from 1-10 with 10 being highest.

btw.. if your wondering why I didn't focus too much on growing u in a well-known housing project it is because this is in my diversity statement. I wanted to highlight some of my strengths in my personal statement not create a sob story.

(Graduated May2011)




My changes are in red. Overall, this was really good. There were no problems with the structure of the essay; all my comments were word choice/grammar/phrasing issues. I think this is a 7.5/8 right now, but could easily be a 9 or 10.
Last edited by No13baby on Tue Aug 30, 2011 9:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Come on TLS rip my first draft to pieces... if you can!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Aug 30, 2011 12:50 am

Change "dabbling" to "participating".

Your personal statement presents a strong image of your sense of self & of your sense of purpose. Be careful about conveying an impression of superiority or of a condescending attitude as with "dabbling" and "I understand law school requires enormous mental & financial commitments that may leave some with frustrations & regrets" type of declarations.

Clearly, you have spent a substantial amount of time & effort composing this writing. This is a good draft in need of refinement. The tone of your essay is uneven & needs to be uniform, in my opinion.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Come on TLS rip my first draft to pieces... if you can!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Aug 30, 2011 12:56 am

DELETE: "...an almost impossible task in a corporation stringent on the upkeep of traditions."

Making the three changes that I suggested above should alter the tone of your personal statement. I don't like the portion about increasing judicial membership from 5 to 9 justices, but the increased efficiency is worth noting.

As presented in the original post in this thread, your personal statement essay is above average, in my opinion.

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tryingtowin
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Joined: Sat Aug 27, 2011 5:28 am

Re: Come on TLS rip my first draft to pieces... if you can!!

Postby tryingtowin » Tue Aug 30, 2011 2:09 am

Thanks for all the feedback! especially No13baby. I will make adjustments. Happy to see you guys liked it.

btw Canadian, I wasn't trying to portray that type of attitude at all but after your comment I can see how one might construe it that way. I will certainly revisit those items you mentioned. Thanks a lot for bringing those sentences to my attention.




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