Finished first draft of new topic, please critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
nucky thompson
Posts: 290
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:32 pm

Finished first draft of new topic, please critique

Postby nucky thompson » Mon Aug 29, 2011 4:29 pm

Revising
Last edited by nucky thompson on Mon Aug 29, 2011 11:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Moomoo2u
Posts: 349
Joined: Mon May 17, 2010 3:38 am

Re: Finished first draft of new topic, please critique

Postby Moomoo2u » Mon Aug 29, 2011 4:54 pm

The intro is a bit long to just give background on hardship and then move into making your own opportunities. The theme is a good one but it's not very developed as it only comes into the essay in the 3rd paragraph.

The 5th paragraph's reflexive questions are repetitive, wordy and a little annoying. You could just say that you felt trepidation/were initially unsure b/c of 1-2 reasons but then overcame it.

You say "The program offered many benefits that have enabled me to succeed....blah blah" how? you just say it and move on without convincing the reader. The same problem repeats itself in various parts throughout the essay, you need to substantiate your claims and show rather than tell.

It needs a lot more fleshing out but the idea of the essay/structure isn't bad, and it's far more concise than what you had last time.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Finished first draft of new topic, please critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 29, 2011 6:13 pm

Your personal statement seems genuine, sincere & revealing. The final sentence, however, is weak.

nucky thompson
Posts: 290
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:32 pm

Re: Finished first draft of new topic, please critique

Postby nucky thompson » Mon Aug 29, 2011 7:09 pm

haha terrible, i just read over it again. Thank you both for the commentry




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