Take two

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
UMiamiCane
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Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 11:18 am

Take two

Postby UMiamiCane » Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:29 pm

Thank you everyone!
Last edited by UMiamiCane on Tue Aug 30, 2011 12:50 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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TommyK
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Re: Please don't make me cry- first draft

Postby TommyK » Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:42 pm

My initial thoughts: cool background. Reads a bit too much like a resume, which is always the danger of a professional based PS. I think you probably have enough space for one badass story of Dr. Bones saving the day and how that experience has prepared you and interested you in a specific lawerly path.

I think the topic is really cool, though. I know nothing about criminal prosecution, but I imagine you could make the argument that having this background will make you particularly effective because you have the forensic background to be able to convey the information in an accessible way to the jury.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Please don't make me cry- first draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:43 pm

Needs to be condensed. Try to write in a more succinct fashion.

UMiamiCane
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Re: Please don't make me cry- first draft

Postby UMiamiCane » Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:48 pm

TommyK wrote:My initial thoughts: cool background. Reads a bit too much like a resume, which is always the danger of a professional based PS. I think the topic is really cool, though. I know nothing about criminal prosecution, but I imagine you could make the argument that having this background will make you particularly effective because you have the forensic background to be able to convey the information in an accessible way to the jury.


Thank you, I agree that it sounds like a resume. My first choice school wants an academic statement, and I find it difficult to write about academic and career experiences without it taking that tone. I also agree with your last statement, and I think my closing paragraph could be stronger, so I will probably include it there.

UMiamiCane
Posts: 276
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 11:18 am

Re: Please don't make me cry- first draft

Postby UMiamiCane » Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:49 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Needs to be condensed. Try to write in a more succinct fashion.


Thank you. I can agree with that. Are there any areas you find particularly flowery or unnecessary?

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TommyK
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Re: Please don't make me cry- first draft

Postby TommyK » Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:59 pm

UMiamiCane wrote:Thank you, I agree that it sounds like a resume. My first choice school wants an academic statement, and I find it difficult to write about academic and career experiences without it taking that tone. I also agree with your last statement, and I think my closing paragraph could be stronger, so I will probably include it there.


no problem. I think one of the things to help reduce the resume-y feel would be to trim it down, as CW suggests. You have room for a cool story, not a cool story and 3 accomplishments. The second and third paragraphs could probably be whittled down to a sentence or two. I would remove the stuff about grant writing. It just seemed out of place and it adds to the resume-y feel.

Possible structure:
interest-grabbing professional antecdote
realization of limitations / possible career path with law degree
Potential unique contribution to the field / law class

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YYZ
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Re: Please don't make me cry- first draft

Postby YYZ » Mon Aug 29, 2011 3:10 pm

I think this is really good. I would suggest 3 changes:

1. Delete 1st paragraph. I think the 2nd paragraph has a great introduction.
2. The 2nd paragraph is long. I would split into 2 paragraphs.
3. 3rd paragraph - delete first sentence. I would expand on your conclusion.

UMiamiCane
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Re: Please don't make me cry- first draft

Postby UMiamiCane » Mon Aug 29, 2011 3:33 pm

Thank you both. I like both of your suggestions, though obviously different. I think I'd like the PS better with TommyK's suggestions (I like the first paragraph- I feel it is attention grabbing), but YYZ, your suggestions better follow the academic statement the school wants. I'll play around with both and see what I come up with.

Thanks!

Revolver066
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Re: Please don't make me cry- first draft

Postby Revolver066 » Mon Aug 29, 2011 3:41 pm

YYZ wrote:I think this is really good. I would suggest 3 changes:

1. Delete 1st paragraph. I think the 2nd paragraph has a great introduction.
2. The 2nd paragraph is long. I would split into 2 paragraphs.
3. 3rd paragraph - delete first sentence. I would expand on your conclusion.


I agree, especially with points one and two. The first paragraph really didn't do anything for me, and the PS is a bit lengthy as it is. That being said, I like the story you tell in the second and third paragraphs, and think overall it's a good/interesting PS topic.

UMiamiCane
Posts: 276
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 11:18 am

Re: Please don't make me cry- first draft

Postby UMiamiCane » Mon Aug 29, 2011 4:34 pm

Thank you. I guess the 1st paragraph isn't as interesting as I thought :) I'm changing things around now and will post an edited version. Thank you all for taking the time to help!

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YYZ
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Re: Take two

Postby YYZ » Tue Aug 30, 2011 12:10 pm

I think this version is much better. It reads and flows really well.

If you want to take this to the next level, I'd suggest that you have someone read it who can provide you with grammar and punctuation edits. Many people take their PS to a lawyer friend for editing. I can see at least a few instances where you've misused commas and some gramatical errors. (Not trying to be critical -- just want to help you out).

You have really good base for a PS, and I'm sure it will only get better with further editing. Best of luck to you!

UMiamiCane
Posts: 276
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 11:18 am

Re: Take two

Postby UMiamiCane » Tue Aug 30, 2011 12:50 pm

Thanks YYZ! I'm not offended at all, I appreciate your help. I am going to send it to the person on this forum who does the line by line edits.




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