Why X Critique Needed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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tmon
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Why X Critique Needed

Postby tmon » Sun Aug 28, 2011 10:21 pm

Thanks!
Last edited by tmon on Mon Aug 29, 2011 4:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Tiago Splitter
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Re: Why X Critique Needed

Postby Tiago Splitter » Sun Aug 28, 2011 11:19 pm

I like it. I'd admit you for sure. Only thing I might consider adding would be a program of study you are especially interested in, but it's not necessary.

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JamMasterJ
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Re: Why X Critique Needed

Postby JamMasterJ » Mon Aug 29, 2011 10:54 am

I like, it especially b/c I know which school it's about. I do think that the transition to "X law students are also collegial," needs reworded.

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UnamSanctam
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Re: Why X Critique Needed

Postby UnamSanctam » Mon Aug 29, 2011 11:03 am

JamMasterJ wrote:I like, it especially b/c I know which school it's about. I do think that the transition to "X law students are also collegial," needs reworded.


The irony made me :lol:

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buckythebadger
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Re: Why X Critique Needed

Postby buckythebadger » Mon Aug 29, 2011 11:11 am

It is a solid Why X essay, gets the point across clearly and without too much fluff. In the third paragraph, the comma needs to be removed (I think its the 2nd sentance). Also, I would combine the sentances "Law students are motivated by more than personal interest. They aspire to make an impact and to help others" into one.

Other than that, good job.

EDIT: I now see combining the sentances would lose its meaning. Maybe a ; between the two would sound more smooth

CanadianWolf
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Re: Why X Critique Needed

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 29, 2011 12:42 pm

A bit too flowery for my taste. If the school is Notre Dame, it might work; otherwise try to write in a more businesslike manner by deleting the effusive style. My overall impression is that your essay lacks substance & presents you in an overly emotional fashion & lacking a mature perspective.

P.S. I have read your essay multiple times trying to understand others' comments above. After several readings, I can appreciate their perspective, but admissions officers may not have the time to reread essays thereby making the first read important. Consider changing a few words to dilute the effusive style in favor of a more realistic approach as opposed to the current flowery dreamlike idealistic approach since you are applying to law school.

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Moomoo2u
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Re: Why X Critique Needed

Postby Moomoo2u » Mon Aug 29, 2011 1:00 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:A bit too flowery for my taste. If the school is Notre Dame, it might work; otherwise try to write in a more businesslike manner by deleting the effusive style. My overall impression is that your essay lacks substance & presents you in an overly emotional fashion & lacking a mature perspective.


+1 there's not a lot of substance here and the part about the studying on the grass makes no sense (werent you there for UG?).

The framework itself is fine I just think you need to toss in some concerete things as evidence for your claims (you mentioned some organization which is good)

for example: "I believe that having an ability to help others confers a moral responsibility to do so" -say how you would put this responsibility into practice via a program at the school.

Though the legal profession is competitive, students need not harbor animosity toward their classmates at [school]. -same here maybe say you want to participate in a student organization that helps students of whatever background.

Also I'd cut out the financial stability part.

sparty99
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Re: Why X Critique Needed

Postby sparty99 » Mon Aug 29, 2011 1:48 pm

I wasn't too impressed. Not a lot of substance. You might as well not even write an "X statement." You need to quit the bs. Get to the point and provide factual statements. For example, "I talked with Melissa Young (2L, 2012) who spoke highly of Harvad's Clinical program." Research what this school is known for and cite that as reasons why you want to attend. Not some b.s. about daydreaming in the park or the fantastic food and down to earth residents. All that is bs. Then I would add, these are qualities that I exhibit. Then provide examples of how you do that. You can cite your work at the club. Otherwise, everything else is fluff. WHy are you talking about law students being collegial, etc. Fluff.
Last edited by sparty99 on Sun Sep 04, 2011 7:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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UnamSanctam
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Re: Why X Critique Needed

Postby UnamSanctam » Mon Aug 29, 2011 1:59 pm

sparty99 wrote:I wasn't too impressed. Not a lot of substance. You might as well not even write an "X statement." You need to quit the bs. Get to the point and provide factual statements. For example, "I talked with Melissa Young (2L, 2012) who spoke highly of Harvad's Clinical program." Research what this school is known for and cite that as reasons why you want to attend. Not some b.s. about daydreaming in the park or the fantastic food and down to earth residents. All that is bs. I did like the quote "I also understand the [school] Tradition. It is a tradition of high academic standards, and a global presence. [school]" Then I would add, these are qualities that I exhibit. Then provide examples of how you do that. You can cite your work at the club. Otherwise, everything else is fluff. WHy are you talking about law students being collegial, etc. Fluff.


These are generally good points, with a couple exceptions. I don't want to out the school here since he didn't, but the stuff on collegiality is applicable and fine.

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JamMasterJ
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Re: Why X Critique Needed

Postby JamMasterJ » Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:56 pm

sparty99 wrote:
I wasn't too impressed. Not a lot of substance. You might as well not even write an "X statement." You need to quit the bs. Get to the point and provide factual statements. For example, "I talked with Melissa Young (2L, 2012) who spoke highly of Harvad's Clinical program." Research what this school is known for and cite that as reasons why you want to attend. Not some b.s. about daydreaming in the park or the fantastic food and down to earth residents. All that is bs. I did like the quote "I also understand the [school] Tradition. It is a tradition of high academic standards, and a global presence. [school]" Then I would add, these are qualities that I exhibit. Then provide examples of how you do that. You can cite your work at the club. Otherwise, everything else is fluff. WHy are you talking about law students being collegial, etc. Fluff.

tbf, he was an undergrad there. T, I think you could use some more substance here, but I wouldn't completely get rid of the sentimentality. It lets them know that you are committed to the school, which I think they (especially the Dean in question) will appreciate.

Edit: whoops, sorry t
Last edited by JamMasterJ on Mon Aug 29, 2011 3:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Kurst
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Re: Why X Critique Needed

Postby Kurst » Mon Aug 29, 2011 3:00 pm

tmon wrote:I'd prefer if you didn't quote me, as I'll be taking it down after I get enough advice.

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Tiago Splitter
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Re: Why X Critique Needed

Postby Tiago Splitter » Mon Aug 29, 2011 3:17 pm

Another poster on here received a full-ride to this school and focused her Why X on purely non-academic reasons. I think the goal is to convince adcomms you would attend, and this statement does it. I especially like the mention of how you've lived in several places and would choose this one out of all of them.

That said, I'd try to transition the second paragraph into a specific area of study that aligns with the overarching goals you mention. Depending on what the student organization was, you might be able to tie that into law school academics as well.

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tmon
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Re: Why X Critique Needed

Postby tmon » Mon Aug 29, 2011 4:00 pm

Thanks guys. I had some concerns about not substantiating my claims as well as potentially sounding a bit effusive, so I appreciate all the criticism. I'm going to take down the text in my OP.

Sparty, could you please remove your quote? Sorry, just trying to make sure adcoms wont trace me :)




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