PS first draft, wreak havoc [wolfpack37]

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
wolfpack37
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PS first draft, wreak havoc [wolfpack37]

Postby wolfpack37 » Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:03 pm

x
Last edited by wolfpack37 on Sun Feb 23, 2014 7:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sparty99
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Re: PS first draft, wreak havoc [wolfpack37]

Postby sparty99 » Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:44 pm

The metaphors were annoying.

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beta
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Re: PS first draft, wreak havoc [wolfpack37]

Postby beta » Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:50 pm

i think this is a pretty overused topic. ive heard to stay away from hiking/mountain climbing/rock climbing and how it is a metaphor for your life. you also come right out and say how you are instead of showing it. i think it would be stronger if you took out how you "enjoy careful planning and analysis" "stop, detour, and readjust" and similar sentences and showed through example instead.

bbalcrzy23
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Re: PS first draft, wreak havoc [wolfpack37]

Postby bbalcrzy23 » Thu Aug 25, 2011 5:19 pm

I fell asleep in the 100 words it took to describe your 3 foot jump. This doesn't seem genuine. You are taking something that a million people do everyday and make it seem like it's a heroic feet. You need to be more sincere. Use your "speaking voice." If you spoke to me with all these metaphors I would walk away. I don't think there is any topic that can't be used, however it must be used correctly. I bet there are tons of essays that look just like yours. If you use your speaking voice and be honest your statement will automatically become personal and unique. You are obviously a good writer, but it seems like you are trying too hard.

"As I surveyed the towering rock face before me, I immediately discerned that a straight ascent was out of the question. The rocks soared upward and occasionally jutted outward to create perilous overhangs that, together with a dull haze, obscured the many peaks above." You mean you were looking up at a mountain on a foggy day? This isn't a bedtime story, it's a personal statement. Make it personal and make a statement.

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$1.99
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Re: PS first draft, wreak havoc [wolfpack37]

Postby $1.99 » Thu Aug 25, 2011 5:28 pm

bbalcrzy23 wrote:I fell asleep in the 100 words it took to describe your 3 foot jump. This doesn't seem genuine. You are taking something that a million people do everyday and make it seem like it's a heroic feet. You need to be more sincere. Use your "speaking voice." If you spoke to me with all these metaphors I would walk away. I don't think there is any topic that can't be used, however it must be used correctly. I bet there are tons of essays that look just like yours. If you use your speaking voice and be honest your statement will automatically become personal and unique. You are obviously a good writer, but it seems like you are trying too hard.

"As I surveyed the towering rock face before me, I immediately discerned that a straight ascent was out of the question. The rocks soared upward and occasionally jutted outward to create perilous overhangs that, together with a dull haze, obscured the many peaks above." You mean you were looking up at a mountain on a foggy day? This isn't a bedtime story, it's a personal statement. Make it personal and make a statement.


+1, you need to follow this advice unless you have a 170+/3.7+

wolfpack37
Posts: 87
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Re: PS first draft, wreak havoc [wolfpack37]

Postby wolfpack37 » Thu Aug 25, 2011 5:42 pm

bbalcrzy23 wrote:I fell asleep in the 100 words it took to describe your 3 foot jump. This doesn't seem genuine. You are taking something that a million people do everyday and make it seem like it's a heroic feet. You need to be more sincere. Use your "speaking voice." If you spoke to me with all these metaphors I would walk away. I don't think there is any topic that can't be used, however it must be used correctly. I bet there are tons of essays that look just like yours. If you use your speaking voice and be honest your statement will automatically become personal and unique. You are obviously a good writer, but it seems like you are trying too hard.

"As I surveyed the towering rock face before me, I immediately discerned that a straight ascent was out of the question. The rocks soared upward and occasionally jutted outward to create perilous overhangs that, together with a dull haze, obscured the many peaks above." You mean you were looking up at a mountain on a foggy day? This isn't a bedtime story, it's a personal statement. Make it personal and make a statement.


This is very good advice, and I appreciate it. It kind of brings out my whole qualm with personal statements though. When I began tossing ideas around, I asked myself, friends, family who/what I am. I gathered/reinforced that I am a good friend. I'm smart. I'm happy, energetic, and driven. I'm (oddly enough) genuine. I have a strong sense of justice. etc. Then I thought about how I am supposed to show those things within 2 pages, and I realized there is no major life event that I can use to convey even a couple of those things, much less all of them. That said, I don't think that that one time I did X shows that I'm A. I'm of the belief that it's the little things that I do consistently that define my character, that show I'm A, B, C.

I understand what you're saying, and I'd even say that you're probably right. On the other hand, my "speaking voice" would really just end up being a sort of stream of consciousness ramble like ^^^. Also, I actually don't consider myself a particularly strong writer. Maybe if I were, I'd find a good way to express all that.

sparty99
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Re: PS first draft, wreak havoc [wolfpack37]

Postby sparty99 » Thu Aug 25, 2011 10:59 pm

wolfpack37 wrote:
bbalcrzy23 wrote:I fell asleep in the 100 words it took to describe your 3 foot jump. This doesn't seem genuine. You are taking something that a million people do everyday and make it seem like it's a heroic feet. You need to be more sincere. Use your "speaking voice." If you spoke to me with all these metaphors I would walk away. I don't think there is any topic that can't be used, however it must be used correctly. I bet there are tons of essays that look just like yours. If you use your speaking voice and be honest your statement will automatically become personal and unique. You are obviously a good writer, but it seems like you are trying too hard.

"As I surveyed the towering rock face before me, I immediately discerned that a straight ascent was out of the question. The rocks soared upward and occasionally jutted outward to create perilous overhangs that, together with a dull haze, obscured the many peaks above." You mean you were looking up at a mountain on a foggy day? This isn't a bedtime story, it's a personal statement. Make it personal and make a statement.


This is very good advice, and I appreciate it. It kind of brings out my whole qualm with personal statements though. When I began tossing ideas around, I asked myself, friends, family who/what I am. I gathered/reinforced that I am a good friend. I'm smart. I'm happy, energetic, and driven. I'm (oddly enough) genuine. I have a strong sense of justice. etc. Then I thought about how I am supposed to show those things within 2 pages, and I realized there is no major life event that I can use to convey even a couple of those things, much less all of them. That said, I don't think that that one time I did X shows that I'm A. I'm of the belief that it's the little things that I do consistently that define my character, that show I'm A, B, C.

I understand what you're saying, and I'd even say that you're probably right. On the other hand, my "speaking voice" would really just end up being a sort of stream of consciousness ramble like ^^^. Also, I actually don't consider myself a particularly strong writer. Maybe if I were, I'd find a good way to express all that.


Just quit the b.s. and methaphors. Write clearly. "I climbed the mountain. It took 48 hours and I was exhausted. Standing on top of the mountain, I started to rehash everything I accomplished the past year. I felt at peace. blah, blah, blah." None of that bs that you wrote.

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shredderrrrrr
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Re: PS first draft, wreak havoc [wolfpack37]

Postby shredderrrrrr » Fri Aug 26, 2011 11:24 am

Jesus Christ...take it easy about the jump! As a reader I wanted to kill myself when you were describing the jump with every adjective and adverb you could squeeze into a sentence. It was wayyyyy too unnatural.

Overall, I think you are a superb writer and can really engage the reader. I actually like the topic and how you presented it. I only have two complaints:

1. Don't be so obvious in the parallels between law school and rock climbing. Statements like "The hike is analogous to my life" are way too blunt. Subtly is key. Hint at that and let the reader figure it out. Adcomms know what you're getting at. They are smart enough to realize that you are using an extended metaphor. Stating everything so factually makes the reader feel like they are being talked down to like a child.

2. Cut back on the drama. At times, it is way too much. Frankly, it sounds like you took a story, grabbed a thesaurus, and added every superluous word you could to make it appear more intelligent. You write well. You don't need to hide behind pointless words. Although it flows well, it makes you sound concieted.

Overall, I think this could be a great PS. I must be honest though. I didn't finish it. It quit at the jumping section. You lost me there. I can't imagine any adcomms forcing themselves to suffer through that entire section and continuing on.




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