edited. help?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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beta
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edited. help?

Postby beta » Thu Aug 25, 2011 3:44 pm

.
Last edited by beta on Tue Oct 25, 2011 4:28 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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beta
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Re: PS draft 2...change it? keep it?

Postby beta » Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:27 pm

no love or hate? :(

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Jack Smirks
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Re: PS draft 2...change it? keep it?

Postby Jack Smirks » Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:35 pm

I don't know it just seems like you're rambling. Just telling a story about riding a motorbike around an unfamiliar country is not really a personal statement. Do you have any idea where you're going to go with it? How are you going to conclude it?

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Re: PS draft 2...change it? keep it?

Postby beta » Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:41 pm

hm i tried to develop it in a way that first showed that learning was a challenge, and even though i was scared i made myself learn.
then i wanted to show that i overcame the challenge by perseverance
and then i wanted to show that by learning this skill i was able to learn/do things i wouldnt have been able to do (e.g. learn abt another culture a different way, get to know students in nontraditional settings)
and with the conclusion i am trying to say that although teaching and learning to ride were both fun--and i learned the basics..its time to take what i learned to the next stage. im not sure how to conclude it which is why i was looking for help.

sparty99
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Re: PS draft 2...change it? keep it?

Postby sparty99 » Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:48 pm

I mean, I drive cars and wouldn't spend an entire essay talking about driving a car. Also, how is riding a motorcycle more scary than being held at gunpoint? Puh, lease.

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Jack Smirks
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Re: PS draft 2...change it? keep it?

Postby Jack Smirks » Thu Aug 25, 2011 5:13 pm

beta wrote:hm i tried to develop it in a way that first showed that learning was a challenge, and even though i was scared i made myself learn.
then i wanted to show that i overcame the challenge by perseverance
and then i wanted to show that by learning this skill i was able to learn/do things i wouldnt have been able to do (e.g. learn abt another culture a different way, get to know students in nontraditional settings)
and with the conclusion i am trying to say that although teaching and learning to ride were both fun--and i learned the basics..its time to take what i learned to the next stage. im not sure how to conclude it which is why i was looking for help.

I think you're having problems concluding it because there's no real arch or whatever to your statement. It reads more like just an anecdote. You need to clarify the point you're trying to make and why it makes you a good candidate for law school. The idea that you overcame a challenge by perseverance and therefore learned and did things you otherwise wouldn't have been able to is a fine topic but it's not enough. What about this story led you to choose to pursue law school? or maybe you want to mention that this is a trait that can help you advocate for clients? I'm not really sure but it has to tie into law school in some way, shape or form.

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Re: PS draft 2...change it? keep it?

Postby beta » Thu Aug 25, 2011 5:26 pm

that's definitely helpful. thanks.

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Re: motorbiking draft 2...edited. help?

Postby MumofCad » Fri Aug 26, 2011 5:32 pm

Got your message, happy to help if I can, but its not here anymore. Are you going to re-post or send to me in a message? Either way, hurricane's going to keep me at home all weekend so I'll look it over.




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