First Draft of PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
law1289
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2011 6:56 pm

First Draft of PS

Postby law1289 » Mon Aug 22, 2011 7:04 pm

Hey everyone, I just finished up my first draft of my personal statement and I was hoping some of you might be willing to offer up some suggestions. Its obviously somewhat personal in nature so I changed/left out some info in order to stay somewhat anonymous. Please be as harsh as you want. I'm a little worried that it may sound too over dramatic so let me know what you all think. Thanks I really appreciate it!

The ominous buzz of my dad’s cell phone could only mean one thing. There I sat, a passenger in my father’s pickup truck, on my way to spend another mundane summer day at grandma’s house. I stared out the window at the passing cars, seemingly unaffected but with feelings of fury, helplessness and betrayal buried inside me as the phone’s vibrations turned into a conversation between my father and a woman on the other end of the line. In a futile attempt to dilute the sound of his voice, he would turn up the radio and roll down the windows, exposing us to the blistering heat of an Texas summer day. My younger sister sat in the backseat, blissfully singing along to the beat of her favorite radio station, too naïve and young to make sense of the situation. At the ripe age of ten, one might assume that I was equally oblivious. My father certainly did, and his misconceptions enabled him to commit adultery in front of my virtually every day for a period of approximately three years.
Each and every day, from the day that I initially discovered his transgressions, I yearned to tell someone. As such a young child however, I could not bring myself to face the repercussions that were sure to evolve from such a devastating blow to the essence of my family. I convinced myself that telling anyone would be a selfish thing to do, and decided to shoulder the burden on my own rather than pass it on to the rest of my family. This decision inspired constant feelings of helplessness and fear. I was in dire need of someone to help me, but as far as I was concerned, I had nowhere to turn.
While I was certainly too young to realize it at the time, I do believe that learning to cope with my family’s hardships at such a young age spurred my development as a young adult. Living my life with high moral standards has become a priority for me after experiencing what a drastic effect immorality can have on others, and facing such a poignant emotional hardship as a child has made it a rare occurrence for me to become overly emotional. I now strive to approach life with a levelheaded demeanor regardless of the situation. I also learned how to become independent and cope with problems on my own while still maintaining an ability to collaborate with others through my experience with school and work situations.
These attributes have undoubtedly helped shape my personality, but the most important qualities that emerged from my childhood are my compassionate nature and my unrelenting desire to help others. I learned firsthand what helplessness feels like, and I have made it my life goal to assist others in need. After working and interning at various organizations throughout my undergraduate career, I wanted to gain experience in the non-profit sector and was able to do so through my internship with XXXXX. Through this experience, I worked directly with the XXXXX corporate office to help seriously ill children across the country. I cannot express the level of satisfaction that this job has brought to me, all while improving my communication and teamwork skills and helping me develop into the leader that I strive to become.
While my childhood was less than ideal, I have turned my experiences into a positive and consider myself very fortunate for the life I have. I realize that there are far too many people across the world experiencing far worse than I ever will. By attending law school and obtaining a legal education, I hope to position myself to further pursue my interest in helping these types of individuals. The law is often looked at with fear and uncertainty by a significant portion of the population, and after my childhood experience I can empathize with those feelings. Whether I use my legal education to pursue a career in public interest, governmental work, or even at a corporate law firm, I plan to use my empathy for others as my primary motivation. At XXXX Law School, I hope to take advantage of the wide range of opportunities in order to develop not only into a lawyer but an advocate, a confidant, and a friend to my clients while passionately pursuing justice on their behalf.

law1289
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2011 6:56 pm

Re: First Draft of PS

Postby law1289 » Tue Aug 23, 2011 1:20 pm

any takers?

MumofCad
Posts: 974
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:46 pm

Re: First Draft of PS

Postby MumofCad » Tue Aug 23, 2011 2:59 pm

HI! I think you are right. It is overly dramatic. It also sounds very "save the world" to me.

I don't know what to suggest really, but....it definitely has some issues that need addressing. I don't have time right now, but hopefully this bump will give some more readers.

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icecold3000
Posts: 213
Joined: Mon Dec 13, 2010 10:50 am

Re: First Draft of PS

Postby icecold3000 » Tue Aug 23, 2011 3:22 pm

I am not sure if I like the connection you made here. Your father cheated on your mother, which in turn made you unemotional, moral, and compassionate in your young adulthood, which in turn now makes you a good law school candidate.
law1289 wrote:In a futile attempt to dilute the sound of his voice, he would turn up the radio and roll down the windows, exposing us to the blistering heat of an Texas summer day.

this is overdramatic
law1289 wrote:My father certainly did, and his misconceptions enabled him to commit adultery in front of my virtually every day for a period of approximatelythree years.

"for a period" makes it sound like a police statement

law1289 wrote:While I was certainly too young to realize it at the time, I do believe that learning to cope with my family’s hardships at such a young age spurred my development as a young adult.

can you be more specific?
I now strive to approach life with a levelheaded demeanor regardless of the situation.

Can you show this instead of tell. Give an example maybe?


law1289 wrote:After working and interning at various organizations throughout my undergraduate career, I wanted to gain experience in the non-profit sector and was able to do so through my internship with XXXXX. Through this experience, I worked directly with the XXXXX corporate office to help seriously ill children across the country. I cannot express the level of satisfaction that this job has brought to me, all while improving my communication and teamwork skills and helping me develop into the leader that I strive to become.

again, more detail needed. show don't tell


edited for error

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JA2942
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 5:09 pm

Re: First Draft of PS

Postby JA2942 » Tue Aug 23, 2011 3:29 pm

I agree with the comments, above it's a little too dramatic and you definitely need to give more concrete examples. I actually think it has potential, but it needs some work for sure.

MumofCad
Posts: 974
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:46 pm

Re: First Draft of PS

Postby MumofCad » Wed Aug 24, 2011 11:13 am

I also have a problem with the way you talk about the adultery. I think that description is at the heart of my aversion. It almost makes you sound a little sociopathic, like this childhood experience taught you to turn off emotions...sort of a strange thing to say in a PS IMO. It seems a little extreme and doesn't seem like a positive attribute to me. That whole section needs be re-thought.




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