PS Topic

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jsvaughn
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PS Topic

Postby jsvaughn » Fri Aug 19, 2011 11:23 am

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Last edited by jsvaughn on Tue Oct 22, 2013 10:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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icecold3000
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Re: PS Topic

Postby icecold3000 » Fri Aug 19, 2011 1:22 pm

I think this could be an interesting topic. Write it up and see what it looks like.

jsvaughn
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Re: PS Topic

Postby jsvaughn » Mon Aug 22, 2011 4:02 pm

I.
Last edited by jsvaughn on Tue Oct 22, 2013 10:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ladybug89
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Re: PS Topic

Postby ladybug89 » Tue Aug 23, 2011 12:36 pm

Focusing on coaching sounds like a fine idea but that DA anecdote is really interesting, so you should definitely make that at least one of the focal points in the essay. #1 sounds like it'd be the easiest way to do that, but #2a could work too. To me #3 sounds less nuanced as well as a little tangential - it might not convey the qualities/passions you're trying to get across. that's my take anyway.

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Moomoo2u
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Re: PS Topic

Postby Moomoo2u » Wed Aug 24, 2011 12:47 pm

the coaching stuff is good for showing leadership and commitment to serving other people. I think your original idea of going from coaching (kids?) -> DA molestation stuff would be a great way to show your passion for criminal law. I.e. you have experience with kids and know what they're like/defenseless and you see this and are driven by a batman like lust for justice and vengeance etc etc etc

Either way work that in because it's the interesting stuff that's going to stick in an adcomm's mind.

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ladybug89
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Re: PS Topic

Postby ladybug89 » Wed Aug 24, 2011 1:52 pm

Moomoo2u wrote:the coaching stuff is good for showing leadership and commitment to serving other people. I think your original idea of going from coaching (kids?) -> DA molestation stuff would be a great way to show your passion for criminal law. I.e. you have experience with kids and know what they're like/defenseless and you see this and are driven by a batman like lust for justice and vengeance etc etc etc

Either way work that in because it's the interesting stuff that's going to stick in an adcomm's mind.


I think you should also include the phrase "batman like lust for justice."

horrorbusiness
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Re: PS Topic

Postby horrorbusiness » Wed Aug 24, 2011 5:09 pm

Moomoo2u wrote: I think your original idea of going from coaching (kids?) -> DA molestation stuff would be a great way to show your passion


Sounds like a risky transition... "speaking of child molestation, I'm also interested in working for the da's office"

Also, based on the OP's first post i think the statement should conclude with something like "becoming an attorney will really allow me to channel my newfound feelings of hatred directly at people!"

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Moomoo2u
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Re: PS Topic

Postby Moomoo2u » Wed Aug 24, 2011 5:25 pm

what i meant is that something that it is a way to show you want to defend something that is important to you as someone with experience with children (is there no way to write sentences involving children and experience without connoting pedophilia??).

horrorbusiness
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Re: PS Topic

Postby horrorbusiness » Wed Aug 24, 2011 5:30 pm

Moomoo2u wrote:what i meant is that something that it is a way to show you want to defend something that is important to you as someone with experience with children (is there no way to write sentences involving children and experience without connoting pedophilia??).


i was just kidding. i think you can achieve that with careful and thoughtful writing. you seem to be on the right track.

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$1.99
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Re: PS Topic

Postby $1.99 » Wed Aug 24, 2011 5:35 pm

lol "batman like lust for justice" touche

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DoubleChecks
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Re: PS Topic

Postby DoubleChecks » Wed Aug 24, 2011 5:38 pm

super interesting topic. i love the idea of talking about your leadership experience coaching kids, and then transitioning to wanting to protect children through legal means as well (DA example). dont be scatterbrained, these 2 examples are more than enough for a PS. and while you may talk about your rage, please please PLEASE talk about OVERCOMING it and being able to CHANNEL it through the law. no one wants a hot head vigilante with a JD.

so while interesting, you have to tread carefully. id leave out the stuff about your gf, lack of passions, general sense of contentment...

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Moomoo2u
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Re: PS Topic

Postby Moomoo2u » Wed Aug 24, 2011 10:39 pm

DoubleChecks wrote: ... no one wants a hot head vigilante with a JD.



Maybe you don't, I see a new superhero, The Coach Esq. Give me 3 laps .. in hell!

EDIT: also what he said about the contentment/GF stuff is good advice, it's not compelling and doesn't provide anything.

jsvaughn
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Re: PS Topic

Postby jsvaughn » Tue Sep 13, 2011 10:27 am

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Last edited by jsvaughn on Tue Oct 22, 2013 10:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jsvaughn
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Re: PS Topic

Postby jsvaughn » Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:33 pm

Any feedback?

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DoubleChecks
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Re: PS Topic

Postby DoubleChecks » Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:47 pm

quick impressions:

add commas please. there are a few errors in how it flows as well...like worked hardest in their lives...<few seconds later>...proudest moment of my life. etc.

also, i like it but it is only special if you connect it to your work at the DA's office w/ children and meeting that child molester. it would be particularly moving if the kids could teach you the same lesson, in the sense that the accused gets acquitted and you meet him in the elevator and you have to not explode because, i mean, under law he was acquitted...something like that. maybe an injustice to society, but tie that in to wanting to know more about law and 'being gracious in defeat' as well.

dont know if it'll turn out that way, but just my initial thoughts

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writetrack
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Re: PS Topic

Postby writetrack » Sat Sep 17, 2011 11:58 am

Hi jsvaughn,

I think this has the potential for a great statement. However, you have to be careful when it comes to creating the link between coaching with kids and the law, and trying to avoid sounding hyper-emotional when it comes to your passion and seeing an injustice.

As lawyers we have to be able to literally see both sides of the argument and almost on command state the plausible arguments for each side. Being too emotional and enraged (though a common trait among lawyers in general) will only do a disservice to your clients in the future. I think pushing your level of maturity and ability to go the distance and demonstrating how you can channel your energy and passion into sound reasoning and 'advocacy' will be be your strong suits in this statement.

Feel free to send an outline of how you plan to structure the rest of the essay so we can see how this will flow.

Hamada
______________________________________________
Write Track Admissions Law
hamada@writetrackadmissions.com
http://www.writetrackadmissions.com/programs/law

jsvaughn
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Re: PS Topic

Postby jsvaughn » Mon Sep 19, 2011 12:39 pm

Heres my rough rough draft. I know that there are a lot of grammar issues and that it isn't well written yet but as far as the content, what do yall think?

“Humble in victory, gracious in defeat”, these were the final words that I said to my cross country team before the 2010 North Carolina 4A Boys Cross Country State Champion was announced. Aside from the usual coaching goal of winning championships, I also always strived to craft them into people of character and integrity. On that day in November I realized that I had achieved both. The announcer called out our school as the State Champions and my runners who were huddled around me exploded with jubilation. Months and months of the hardest work of their lives had finally paid off. For a few seconds I thought that seeing my guys celebrate was my proudest moment. However that moment was quickly trumped by what happened next. My runners, despite being right beside the stage where they had to get their award, fought their way backwards through the crowd to seek out the second place team and congratulate them on a hard fought battle and a fantastic season. I had been watching them mature all season and this moment proved to me that I had been successful in not only turning them into champions but into individuals that I was truly proud to be able to call myself their coach.

Coaching has taught me many things over the last few seasons. It has taught me how to read people and understand what makes them tick. It has taught me how to earn respect from two hundred people just by living your life the right way. It has taught me that I have the ability to inspire people and lead people to their goals. Most importantly, coaching has taught me that I am a person of passion. Someone who must be passionate about what I do in my life in order to be happy. The feelings of pride that I felt on the day of the State Championship race that I felt made me realize how passionate I am about coaching. However nothing compares to the level of passion that I felt one day while interning at the District Attorney’s office in Wilmington, North Carolina.

I had been reviewing hours and hours of undercover videotape that was of a man who ran an afterschool daycare center and had been charged with several counts of various forms of child molestation. The majority of my time during my first few weeks at this internship was spent watching this man commit disgusting acts in plain view and describing the act in a notebook so that the Assistant District Attorney could find the offenses more easily and build the case. The videos were incredibly hard for me to watch due to their disturbing nature and some days I found myself questioning whether or not I could continue with this type of work. My experience with this man culminated one day in the elevator of the courthouse. He was in the courthouse to enter his plea but I was unaware that I might run into him. I was on my way up to the office when the elevator doors opened and the man who I had been watching molest children for the past three weeks walked in, smiled at me, and asked me to press his floor button for him. The rage that I felt swell inside me was unbelievable but I controlled myself and simply exited the elevator. I sprinted up the seven flights of stairs to our office and attacked my work on this case with a new found vigor. I had never been so motivated in my life. Even though what I was watching still disturbed me greatly, I knew that I was doing something substantial. I was helping these children and their families find justice and helping protect future children from the same horrors. My time coaching made me realize how innocent and special children are and I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if one of my runners was subjected to something like this. The day that I saw that child molester in the elevator was the day I knew that the only career possible for me was to become an Assistant District Attorney and help protect our children.

My time coaching made me realize that I was a man of passion and that I have the ability to channel that passion something productive. I thought that the level of pride I felt on the day we won the State Championship could never be topped but I was wrong. I have never felt anything close to the level of pride that I felt going into work every day knowing that I was helping to protect and find justice for the children of my hometown. Becoming a criminal prosecutor is the only career that I can imagine where I will be able to find passion in my work each and every day. Most importantly, I know that being a criminal prosecutor is the only career that I will truly be proud to have.




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