should i submit this as my diversity statement?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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beta
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should i submit this as my diversity statement?

Postby beta » Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:21 pm

it's by no means a final draft, but do u guys think this well help? could it hurt? thoughts? thanks !
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removed for editing. thanks for the suggestions and comments :)
Last edited by beta on Thu Aug 18, 2011 10:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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beta
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Re: should i submit this as my diversity statement?

Postby beta » Thu Aug 18, 2011 8:23 pm

anyone??

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kapital98
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Re: should i submit this as my diversity statement?

Postby kapital98 » Thu Aug 18, 2011 8:35 pm

The first couple sentences are extremely cliche. This almost requires an eye roll or facepalm.

After that... I didn't read. Sorry.

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kapital98
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Re: should i submit this as my diversity statement?

Postby kapital98 » Thu Aug 18, 2011 8:35 pm

This is the committee:

Image

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beta
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Re: should i submit this as my diversity statement?

Postby beta » Thu Aug 18, 2011 8:41 pm

thats pry true. noted.

someone keep reading pleasee

NDHobo
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Re: should i submit this as my diversity statement?

Postby NDHobo » Thu Aug 18, 2011 8:41 pm

I like it so far. I believe it will set you apart from other applicants.

MumofCad
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Re: should i submit this as my diversity statement?

Postby MumofCad » Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:01 pm

I don't know about the hating. I don't see cliche in the outset.

I do however really dislike the closing sentence in the first paragraph. It is horribly cliche and at worst sounds like something a mother says to her child when he's being made fun of it. Of course, its fine to be different, but why take pride in it? Why not just take pride in whatever you are doing? The difference part seem immature to me. Something like, "I did not let the name-calling waiver my faith. I knew I was proud of the choices I had made and instead used this as an opportunity to help others move past simplistic judgements of a complex moral code." To me, that sort of response is much more mature and praise-worthy than simply clinging to being different for the sake of being different and taking pleasure in receiving extra attention. That screams, "I long to stand out and be externally validated as unique and interesting."
Last edited by MumofCad on Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: should i submit this as my diversity statement?

Postby beta » Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:02 pm

that's super helpful. thanks.

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beta
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Re: should i submit this as my diversity statement?

Postby beta » Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:04 pm

does anyone think it would be stronger if the second paragraph came first and then segued into the cross country story?

MumofCad
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Re: should i submit this as my diversity statement?

Postby MumofCad » Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:07 pm

Oh and I otherwise like it and think it is very interesting. I enjoyed learning about your faith, especially since its something I knew nothing about. It clearly has a unique moral code that will bring something interesting to ethical debates and certainly gives you unique perspective on certain issues. I wonder after reading what type of attorney you would be and how you might impact the field.

Besides that one sentence which made me question the rest, I want to have coffee with you. I'd love to hear your opinions on certain things. As long as your PS balances this with dealing with something totally outside your religion, I think it will help you.

I don't think you should flip the paragraphs. Its fine. Typical to use a hook, but its a good way to introduce the idea that you have a different faith that sometimes comes into conflict with other aspects of your personality.

ETA: And I think its ok to end with something a little forthright to soften it, about how you are fully apart of your local community while maintaining your faith
Last edited by MumofCad on Fri Aug 19, 2011 1:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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beta
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Re: should i submit this as my diversity statement?

Postby beta » Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:21 pm

thanks for your input mum!

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Blessedassurance
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Re: should i submit this as my diversity statement?

Postby Blessedassurance » Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:21 pm

beta wrote: As I watched my high school cross country teammates exert themselves in the humid Indiana weather, I too was sweating rivulets and breathing hard; except I wasn’t training on the field like they were.


Consider revision. "I too..." is awkward. Hyphenate "cross-country". I would revise the whole sentence and lose the semi-colon in the process.

Instead, I was perched on the bleachers engrossed in a moral debate with myself.


"moral debate with myself" sounds colloquial but that may just be nitpicking on my part. I'd replace with something along the lines of "internal moral debate" or something to that effect. That's just me though.

Etc.

Overall I think you need to work on the grammar and phrasing. The subject matter is fine in my opinion but I'm not an expert in such matters.




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