2nd draft of non-urm DS, need help tightening and critique

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beta
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2nd draft of non-urm DS, need help tightening and critique

Postby beta » Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:03 am

removed for editing
Last edited by beta on Wed Aug 17, 2011 1:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Cupidity
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Re: 2nd draft of non-urm DS, need help tightening and critique

Postby Cupidity » Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:08 am

"immediate and extended family" = family

fix to say, "the first person in my family."

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Cupidity
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Re: 2nd draft of non-urm DS, need help tightening and critique

Postby Cupidity » Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:13 am

beta wrote:
As a Jain member of the student body, I hope to continue sharing the lessons I had learned as a child and to learn from the alternate thoughts and ways of being of my peers. [/color]


This is one of the least readable sentences I have encountered today, and I am currently working on a pro-se prisoner's brief.

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beta
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Re: 2nd draft of non-urm DS, need help tightening and critique

Postby beta » Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:19 am

i think first in the family is good, thanks.

any help tightening the first paragraph would be awesome. i know my conclusion is incoherent..im working on ideas.

CanadianWolf
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Re: 2nd draft of non-urm DS, need help tightening and critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:25 am

DELETE: Delete the last sentence of the final paragraph " I look forward to representing Jainism on campus...".

CONSIDER: Ending the first paragraph at "...different beliefs." (DELETE: ";the hilarity of being called Grass Lover...".




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