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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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shredderrrrrr
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Postby shredderrrrrr » Wed Aug 17, 2011 3:03 am

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Last edited by shredderrrrrr on Tue Nov 22, 2011 12:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Yeshia90
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Re: Personal Statement Draft...Any Help Appreciated

Postby Yeshia90 » Wed Aug 17, 2011 3:06 am

I love almost all of it, except that which feels like a "Why X" statement tacked to the end. It's great, but you can submit a "Why Iowa" statement, too.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement Draft...Any Help Appreciated

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:45 am

Much of your personal statement is well written & flows smoothly. The final few paragraphs, however, seem over zealous in showering praise on the University of Iowa School of Law.

Overall, my strongest reaction is to question whether or not you are mature enough for law school. Altering or deleting the final three sentences of your essay should alleviate this concern. Also, consider changing "I would be involved." to "I intend to be actively involved.".

Note: It's "principal, not principle, when referring to one's position as head of school.

The phrase "predicates success" seems awkward.

"Effected history" or "affected history" or "influenced history" or "impacted history" ? Maybe changing "history" to "historical developments " would also help to clarify your intended meaning.

CONSIDER: Changing "Words are hugely important." to "Words are important.".
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Wed Aug 17, 2011 11:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement Draft...Any Help Appreciated

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:58 am

Clearly, you are a talented writer. Unfortunately, you do not offer any mature or meaningful insights in your written piece. To be blunt, your misplaced obsession with one word overwhelms the talent displayed in your writing. Besides demonstrating a lack of maturity, your obsessive focus on a trivial matter, raises questions about your judgment & use of resources.

freestallion
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Re: Personal Statement Draft...Any Help Appreciated

Postby freestallion » Wed Aug 17, 2011 11:17 am

It is interesting but I have some problems with it.

- First I didn't fully understand the anecdote about the F-word. I mean, what was the article about? This is not clearly explained and the complex language confounds your message. Be a bit more clear.
- The writing is good but a bit too complex at times, so it obscures your message.
- It's slightly melodramatic.
- Second par, you can get rid of "F word started it all"- repetitive.
- "Having my determination amount to nothing in this instance prepared me for the difficulty in life. " <-- Awkward sentence. What exactly does it mean? Difficulty in life? Just be aware when writing about obstacles that others have far greater difficulties in life, having overcome poverty, violence etc.
- "Despite ones best efforts, life does not always pan out as they wishone wishes."
- The part about U Iowa sounds overdramatic. "effected history and altered the course of civilization"? um, no.
- "this man of many hats would never have an exposed head. " <--- LOL... this made me laugh for some reason. Sounds weird... lol
- Also I would not actually say 'fuck' in the end...
- In the end, I too (like Canadian Wolf) don't understand your obsession with the F word. Instead of focusing so much on that word, focus on the experience of being censored and what you learned from it.

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shredderrrrrr
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Re: Personal Statement Draft...Any Help Appreciated

Postby shredderrrrrr » Wed Aug 17, 2011 11:30 am

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CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement Draft...Any Help Appreciated

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:03 pm

The misplaced obsession on the "F-word". This also ties into maturity concerns because there are much more important matters which merit use of one's time & energy & others' resources.

Much, maybe most, of law school & the practice of law is training individuals to spot & focus on the most important issues. Obsessing over one word--such as the F-word--indicates that you are willing to waste your time & energy as well as the resources & time & energy of others on matters of little importance at the expense of more substantial matters.

P.S. Don't over-edit a predominately well written piece. Your praise of Iowa's law school seems excessive when writing "It is a landmark of innovation & a beacon of success & fortitude." Delete that sentence & your essay will seem more personal, more genuine & less like a travel brochure.

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shredderrrrrr
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Re: Personal Statement Draft...Any Help Appreciated

Postby shredderrrrrr » Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:50 pm

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Last edited by shredderrrrrr on Tue Nov 22, 2011 12:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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shredderrrrrr
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Re: Personal Statement Draft...Any Help Appreciated

Postby shredderrrrrr » Wed Aug 17, 2011 8:01 pm

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sparty99
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Re: Personal Statement Draft...Any Help Appreciated

Postby sparty99 » Fri Aug 19, 2011 12:18 am

I am a person that does not relent when faced with difficulty. This determination is central to my being. Having my determination amount to nothing in this instance prepared me for the continual difficulty in life. Despite ones best efforts, life does not always pan out as they wish one wishes. Yet the key is in handling this. Rather than accepting defeat and giving in to apathy, I press on in the face of adversity and complete what I intend to do. Even when all efforts appear futile, my drive pushes me towards success. Having my hard work and dedication censored so many years ago originally appeared a failure. Now I know it wasn't. It was a valuable learning experience that led me to the University of Iowa College of Law.

--- You have awkward sentences. Be crisp and clear. "Having my determination amount to nothing in this instance prepared me for the continual difficulty in life." -

"I press on in the face of advertisity" - "press on" - what does that mean?

"My drive pushes me towards success" - yawwwwn.

"originally appeared a failure" - awkward

Also, your Iowa passage sounded somewhat boring and forced.

The biggest problem with your essay is the unnecessary words. For example, "Always one wanting to explore new ideas, I involved myself in activities regardless of past experience or prior knowledge"...."Always one wanting..." can be removed. Just say, "I involved myself in activities despite not being an expert...blah."

"Words are hugely important." Um, "words are important." Quit trying to hit the home run by sounding smart. Keep it simple.




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