Personal Statement Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Klinklang
Posts: 89
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Personal Statement Draft

Postby Klinklang » Tue Aug 16, 2011 6:11 pm

Editing.
Last edited by Klinklang on Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Aug 16, 2011 7:48 pm

In my opinion, this topic just isn't working for you. Surely, you are more than a person with diabetes.

Klinklang
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby Klinklang » Tue Aug 16, 2011 7:50 pm

Editing.
Last edited by Klinklang on Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:00 pm

Rather than comment further, it's better to wait for others' opinions.

Klinklang
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby Klinklang » Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:07 pm

Lol, fair enough.

MumofCad
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby MumofCad » Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:31 pm

I'll give it a go. If it's red, I'm saying to take it out.

I remember little of the autumn of 1997. Between my sixth birthday that August and the winter holidays, I was sickly much too oftenperiod, no need for the rest. Just before Christmas, I was taken to Texas Children’s Hospital in downtown Houston with a blood sugar well over 600 mg/dL; within the day I had a diagnosis of type 1 diabetes that would be the catalyst for great change in my life. My mother and father learned new medical knowledge from some of the best endocrinologists in the state, and soon this would be the catalyst for great change in my life. - not sure your point here, I'm not terribly concerned with your parent's grasp of medical knowledge so I would take it out and tack the transition onto the previous sentence as I've done

Over time My condition would better over time, and this recovery forecasted the greater personal responsibility that would ensure my physical well-being as well as success in academia - I don't like forecasted or the wording here. Say it more directly, something like: My condition would better over time, but would come with a much greater personal responsibility that laid the foundation for my future academic success. Then I would put something here that explains to us what sort of discipline the disease caused and thus indirectly educating us about the disease. Then cut the whole paragraph about the disease, which most educated people will already be mildly familiar with anyhow, something simple like: Daily injections, close monitoring of the content of my food, and the occasionally awkward conversation with a peer or whatever and whatever skills/values that gave you. That way I learn about the disease through its personal impact on your life/values . By my teen years I was in control of my primary diabetes care, and can now- should be could apply myself to a range of interests; whether studying in the Liberal Arts Building at _______________ University or weight training in the university’s Recreation Center, I feel strong in the - gained confidence in my choice.. to have a condition, but never a disability. One’s blood sugar can change for the worse without warning, and because of this I believe that I continued this ethic in __________, Texas, where I decided against any request for LSAT accommodation from the Law School Admission Council this summer. - Impersonal introduction, try to avoid one's.... its not an active voice and it leads me to give you no credit for this decision and even get a little lost in what you are trying to say. Loads of unnecessary detail, why do I need to know where you took the LSAT and I am positive every single adcom knows the test is administered by LSAC: By the end of college, I could proudly take the LSAT without accommodation.

Type 1 diabetes, also known as juvenile diabetes, is much less common and almost always more severe than type 2 diabetes, and deserves some explanation. Diabetics must consume insulin – necessary for regulation of glucose in the blood – either through injections or the medium of a pump. My years of treatment under the latter have been nothing short of a miracle in making day-to-day life better, and for many diabetics, myself included, this technology has been a requisite to their sense of normalcy. With it, I have been helped in overcoming my own obstacles, better pursuing my goals, and making further progress toward fulfilling my potential. In spite of such an affliction, I and every diabetic I’ve befriended have always been optimistic. Unlike the situation of the past, diabetes is fatal no more, and it is my opinion that our ability to be strong candidates in any vocation is reason enough for a future of health and success. Take all of this paragraph out except the last sentence and add it with my modification to the paragraph aboveI am one for whom the chains of childhood illness will not be a ceiling.


Ok, I lost steam at this point. If you edit as I've suggested, you will have lost almost half of the bulk, freeing you up to transition to something of more substance. This is the foundation for your values and determination to succeed, now prove to me that it has impacted your performance in life in a meaningful way. If you can't, you need a different PS topic that doesn't go for the obvious, a childhood illness, and is more authentic about what actually makes you who you are.


Life with diabetes has undoubtedly reaffirmed my belief that substantive personal and professional growth need not be hindered by physical tribulations. For that reason, I will not permit myself to accept an inadequate effort in any undertaking. In my opinion, one should never concede to circumstance as an obstruction of possibility take out one of the above sentences, they are bordering on really cliche and again you loose the personalization with the use of "one". As such - cull, I see within the law an ability to create constant change that will better reflect a limitless new reality for countless other people as well. In this respect, I have the luck of knowing my passion to be this disciplineNow your getting to something interesting and of substance but you just leave me hanging out there. How can law lead to a very ambitious "limitless new reality for countless people" - this is a pretty bold claim. You can't throw it out there and not back it up with something thoughtful and specific..

Klinklang
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby Klinklang » Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:33 pm

Editing.
Last edited by Klinklang on Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Klinklang
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby Klinklang » Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:41 pm

Editing.
Last edited by Klinklang on Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MumofCad
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby MumofCad » Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:58 pm

Klinklang wrote:Oh, here's what I have so far of the last paragraph, hopefully it clears up that loose end! I had some serious issues with flow in my last draft but I think this works a bit better. I'm finding having enough material to be a bit of a problem, because Canadian's right - it's definitely not all there is to me; it's just the most interesting/unique, but also something hard to tie to anything else.

I have no doubt that with law school as the next frontier in my personal development, diabetes will be no barrier. For example, I am happy to say that my condition was not a factor during my January 2011 participation in the American Collegiate Moot Court Association’s National Tournament. Having competed in appellate advocacy competitions every year of my undergraduate study, I feel that I have cultivated something of an appreciation for this sector of the law. Though in a mock environment, practicing inside the courtroom was an excellent experience, and is among the many settings I look forward to partaking in if I am privileged enough to gain admission to your school. There is no question that having the opportunity to return to my place of birth, __________, and study at the _______________ of Law School would be an outstanding capstone on my education.


I think you are taking the connection too literally and its making you look one-dimensional. Its enough to say, diabetes taught you not to take anything for granted or to let a single attribute or obstacle stand in the way of accomplishing what you want. Then move on from the diabetes and forget about it. Instead, focus on describing how the lessons you learned impacted you on a more theoretical level.

So you don't need to say, "diabetes will be no barrier." You've already convinced us of this, and now it just looks desperate like you really haven't come to grips with its place in your life as something you have that does not define you. Its starting to feel in reading it like it does in fact define you.

Again, leave out "I am happy to say my condition..." Really, its too much.

Instead, just tell us about your Moot Court experience. You could give us an anecdote like "My tenacity would soon be put to the test with a round of Moot Court...blah blah blah...now give us some specifics about what you liked about court room setting, etc.

Klinklang
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:11 pm

Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby Klinklang » Tue Aug 16, 2011 9:02 pm

Editing.
Last edited by Klinklang on Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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kekepania
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby kekepania » Tue Aug 16, 2011 10:30 pm

While I understand that having to deal with diabetes is extremely difficult, I feel like it shouldn't be the main focus of your essay. I kind of agree with others that have said that while having diabetes hasn't hindered you, it seems like it defines you, and no one is defined by their health limitation. I understand that you're trying to write about something that isn't on your resume, but if you are writing in-depth about an experience you had doing something that is listed on your resume, and using that experience to show your interest in law, then that is acceptable. You just don't want to list what you have done (which I guess is easier said than done because I did that on my first draft as well).

"...I feel strong in the choice to have a condition, but never a disability." This sentence is just strange to me. I don't think you need it, as the point of your essay is showing this.

Klinklang
Posts: 89
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby Klinklang » Tue Aug 16, 2011 10:57 pm

Yeah, I had some trouble with that bit and just took it out.

So I feel pretty comfortable with what I have so far, but what I have so far is pretty much only a page. :shock: I'm going to spend a couple of weeks thinking about how to tell the Adcomms about my work in the courtroom - how moot court encouraged me to pursue the legal track, the value of my time in the program, that sort of thing. It's without a doubt my definitive undergraduate experience, so that makes far more sense than (you guys are right, to be honest) complaining about something that, though legitimate, is hardly debilitating lol.

Thanks to everyone who commented, I'm grateful for the insight. With any luck, when I'm able to post up a final draft (applying 9/1) it'll be far better than the garbage you guys have had to suffer through reading so far! ;)

Klinklang
Posts: 89
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby Klinklang » Thu Aug 18, 2011 8:23 pm

Update for you guys: I've pretty much decided to switch topics entirely, and tell the AdComs about my work in moot court. I'll start with an interesting story of one experience, segway into how I experienced it and what effect it's had on me and my thinking, and end with what I've gained from it as an individual and as a (with any luck!) future litigator. Diabetes will get one sentence, if that.

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kekepania
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby kekepania » Fri Aug 19, 2011 12:37 am

Good luck!

MumofCad
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby MumofCad » Fri Aug 19, 2011 8:00 am

I will PM you the start of my PS, which begins with some of my early values and then transitions into how those impacted me professionally. It might be useful for you. If you tightened and shortened the diabetes segment and just made it about the values you learned in having these restrictions not faced by others, then prove it with your moot court story, I think you will have the length and substance you need. It can be a good introduction to who you are, without defining your entire life experience.

I use my experience growing up in a rural farming family to describe the foundation for my character. Then I explain how I grew and matured past that point, while maintaining a lot of my core values, etc. Hope that makes sense.

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Blessedassurance
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby Blessedassurance » Fri Aug 19, 2011 8:10 am

Klinklang wrote:Update for you guys: I've pretty much decided to switch topics entirely, and tell the AdComs about my work in moot court. I'll start with an interesting story of one experience, segway [segue] into how I experienced it and what effect it's had on me and my thinking, and end with what I've gained from it as an individual and as a (with any luck!) future litigator. Diabetes will get one sentence, if that.

Klinklang
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby Klinklang » Fri Aug 19, 2011 1:15 pm

Blessedassurance wrote:
Klinklang wrote:Update for you guys: I've pretty much decided to switch topics entirely, and tell the AdComs about my work in moot court. I'll start with an interesting story of one experience, segway [segue] into how I experienced it and what effect it's had on me and my thinking, and end with what I've gained from it as an individual and as a (with any luck!) future litigator. Diabetes will get one sentence, if that.
Yeah, that. :/

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Blessedassurance
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Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby Blessedassurance » Fri Aug 19, 2011 1:21 pm

Klinklang wrote:
Blessedassurance wrote:
Klinklang wrote:Update for you guys: I've pretty much decided to switch topics entirely, and tell the AdComs about my work in moot court. I'll start with an interesting story of one experience, segway [segue] into how I experienced it and what effect it's had on me and my thinking, and end with what I've gained from it as an individual and as a (with any luck!) future litigator. Diabetes will get one sentence, if that.
Yeah, that. :/


Sorry, I'm not trying to be a douche. It's just a common mistake so I figured it will probably help if I pointed it out.




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