PS Draft: Looking for constructive criticism.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
huwaem
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 1:39 pm

PS Draft: Looking for constructive criticism.

Postby huwaem » Mon Aug 15, 2011 2:45 pm

Thank you for all who have commented on my ps. I have taken my post down for revision.
Last edited by huwaem on Mon Aug 15, 2011 6:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MumofCad
Posts: 974
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:46 pm

Re: PS Draft: Looking for constructive criticism.

Postby MumofCad » Mon Aug 15, 2011 2:57 pm

You have a very interesting life story and some good substance in this PS.

I think you should consider going to a writing center or asking a friend to help you work through this line by line. I have a hard time following the sentence structure at points and it makes it unclear what exactly you are trying to convey.

huwaem
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 1:39 pm

Re: PS Draft: Looking for constructive criticism.

Postby huwaem » Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:01 pm

Thank you. I'll ensure I take it to a writing clinic/friend to help with the sentance structure.

I just noticed I spelled grammar wrong too... go figure. :)

MumofCad
Posts: 974
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:46 pm

Re: PS Draft: Looking for constructive criticism.

Postby MumofCad » Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:31 pm

Here's an example:


I am a Commissioned Marine Corps Officer. I live by policies and contracts, between myself, the United States Marine Corps, The Government of the United States and Marines under my care. You can thrive or perish by these contracts, a lesson learned through tests and made real by my service during Operation Enduring Freedom. On October 27, 2009 I began to realize just how critical these contracts were as I stared at a small group of dilapidated plywood shacks positioned at the end of a winding dirt road: my new command post.

MumofCad
Posts: 974
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:46 pm

Re: PS Draft: Looking for constructive criticism.

Postby MumofCad » Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:37 pm

As a junior lieutenant, I commanded twenty civilian contractors and Marines. A week earlier, I had never commanded a single individual. The challenge was far beyond my expectations. I quickly realized there were many deficiencies left from the previous command. It had covered only 45% of all missions and requested targeting. Despite my overwhelming doubt of the site’s functionality, I was determined to get adequate support in order to turn it into a fully operating command center.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Draft: Looking for constructive criticism.

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:44 pm

"..by a meticulously drafted complex contract." This phrase struck me as a bit ironic because you need instruction in the basics of grammar & writing. Try to enroll in a writing course. Like most everything else, writing well comes with practice & guidance.

huwaem
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 1:39 pm

Re: PS Draft: Looking for constructive criticism.

Postby huwaem » Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:47 pm

Thank you both for your comments. I appreciate your input.

shoeshine
Posts: 1241
Joined: Wed May 04, 2011 10:58 pm

Re: PS Draft: Looking for constructive criticism.

Postby shoeshine » Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:53 pm

Two Things:

1. Thank you for your service to our country

2. I like the theme of your PS but some of the grammar and mechanics need to be worked out. I also noticed incorrect usage of Than and Then.

huwaem
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 1:39 pm

Re: PS Draft: Looking for constructive criticism.

Postby huwaem » Mon Aug 15, 2011 4:03 pm

Thank you for taking your time to read my PS. I will ensure I hit my grammar and mechanics the hardest during revision.




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