Critique and Suggestions Please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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kekepania
Posts: 60
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2011 3:19 am

Critique and Suggestions Please

Postby kekepania » Mon Aug 15, 2011 4:18 am

removed for editing
Last edited by kekepania on Mon Aug 15, 2011 10:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

freestallion
Posts: 944
Joined: Thu Jan 13, 2011 2:17 pm

Re: Critique and Suggestions Please

Postby freestallion » Mon Aug 15, 2011 9:46 am

The beginning started out promising, but soon it became a reiteration of your resume. Especially the 3rd-5th paragraphs sound like you're just listing all the activities you've done and experiences you've had, like a resume. I think it would be better to scrap this and instead focus on 1-2 anecdotes/experiences that you've had that made you change your mind to focus on law.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Critique and Suggestions Please

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 15, 2011 9:51 am

It's clear that you are comfortable with the word "I".

This is a boring essay written in a monotone style. The first paragraph is fine; the second paragraph is good, while the final three paragraphs are an irritating rehashing of your resume & an unoriginal conclusion that raises more questions than it answers leaving the reader curious as to why you want to attend law school after spending all of your adult life involved in healthcare & medicine. Clearly, you are uncertain as to whether or not law school is an appropriate career choice for you.

MumofCad
Posts: 974
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:46 pm

Re: Critique and Suggestions Please

Postby MumofCad » Mon Aug 15, 2011 10:19 am

Eh, I don't agree with the above. I think you could flesh out the last two paragraphs more, maybe give us a specific example of where medical care and law intersect.

While it may not wow, as my 4 year old likes to say, it gets the job done. It certainly won't get you dinged where your numbers are realistic.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Critique and Suggestions Please

Postby thederangedwang » Mon Aug 15, 2011 10:33 am

MumofCad wrote:Eh, I don't agree with the above. I think you could flesh out the last two paragraphs more, maybe give us a specific example of where medical care and law intersect.

While it may not wow, as my 4 year old likes to say, it gets the job done. It certainly won't get you dinged where your numbers are realistic.


yeah I agree that this is a safe ps. However, having said that, this ps needs a lot of work to be safe. Right now, it would hurt you.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13918
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Critique and Suggestions Please

Postby rinkrat19 » Mon Aug 15, 2011 11:36 am

freestallion wrote:The beginning started out promising, but soon it became a reiteration of your resume. Especially the 3rd-5th paragraphs sound like you're just listing all the activities you've done and experiences you've had, like a resume. I think it would be better to scrap this and instead focus on 1-2 anecdotes/experiences that you've had that made you change your mind to focus on law.
Exactly the thought I had. Paragraphs 3-5 have absolutely no personality whatsoever. It's taking item X on the resume and artlessly informing the reader that your lesson learned from X also applies to law. Repeated several times.

Also, the comment from the doctor about your little brother "resembling a Native American Indian" threw me a bit.
1. If your family actually is NA, it still seems like a weird thing for the doc to comment on. I mean, if your family were Japanese in origin, you wouldn't generally expect a professional to say "boy, you sure look Asian!" while he's stitching up your brother's head, and then have your brother immediately bust into a traditional Kabuki performance.
2. If your family isn't NA, then seriously, wtf. Either your brother looks NA (still odd to comment on it), or he doesn't actually look NA but there was something about his demeanor or appearance (bandage? Wild hair? Partially "scalped"???) that day that made the doctor comment. And if your family isn't NA, then mentioning your brother started drumming and chanting is not the greatest image. (Ignorant white kid doing a pretend rain dance.)

You need further anecdotes. Your brother getting stitches when you were five (frankly, big whoop) is not convincingly life-altering. You could certainly make the case that it planted a seed, but presumably your interest in medicine matured beyond that of a five-year-old along the way.

In its current state, this PS would hurt you at higher schools, even if your numbers are good. The topic is fine, but it needs fleshing out and the resume regurgitation needs to be way more subtle (or just removed).

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kekepania
Posts: 60
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2011 3:19 am

Re: Critique and Suggestions Please

Postby kekepania » Mon Aug 15, 2011 5:07 pm

Thank you!

I have already deleted everything that is a rehash of my resume and will try to come up with another anecdote (maybe one that I focus on throughout the essay).

I didn't realize how many "I"'s I have! This is why I hate writing about myself. I never can figure out how to do it while trying to keep it in the active voice.




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