(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Postby tlambe6 » Fri Aug 12, 2011 1:43 am

Last edited by tlambe6 on Fri Aug 12, 2011 3:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Let me know what you think?

Postby Ernert » Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:12 am

I'll preface with the fact that I'm an 0L as well so feel free to call me out if any of this seems invalid.

I personally did not find the introduction/opening to be very appealing. Editorializing about writing a personal statement doesn't seem worthwhile because it leaves little impression, feels like a bit of a cop-out, and tells almost nothing about yourself. I don't think that you had a lot of substance in the first paragraph and it didn't draw me in much, and I would consider pretty much dropping the first 1.5 paragraphs.

I think the concept (been educated/privileged+worked with underprivileged kids => want to use the law to help those without such privileges) is good, but I think that the statement could use more details on specific life experiences that make you feel this way. I think the daughter of a teacher aspect is a strong potential tie, but if you could come up with a more poignant or specific example, it may help to show why you are passionately interested in law.

I'm unfamiliar with the LSU Law application, so if you are tailoring a "Why LSU?" essay separately, then this may not be relevant. However, as of now, I feel as though you could easily interchange any law school's name into your PS. If LSU is one of your top choices (I did my first PS draft tailored to my top choice so I'm guessing you may have), then try to add a little more. Mention their great PI programs, or their dedication to helping those less fortunate so that LSU doesn't feel like you cut and paste their name in.

Random other notes: I think in the last paragraph, you mean "pursue" and not "peruse," and I would avoid using "undergrad" and instead put in the actual name of your UG, or write out, "acquired during my undergraduate education" or something.

Overall, the idea seems good, but make sure that it is as personal as possible and spend as much of the essay as possible talking about why you specifically rock. Obviously you want it to be well-written, but I think currently there is too much fluff and a lack of specificity that makes it harder to get to know the real you than there should be.

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