Please offer a brutal assessment of my personal statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Posts: 11
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 2:10 am

Re: Please offer a brutal assessment of my personal statement

Postby ray1411 » Sun Aug 14, 2011 8:44 pm

kublaikahn wrote:My read is you passed on the traditional pathway to college when you were young and now have lots of regret. You own that "failure" and want a second chance. You are most disappointed that you do not get to leverage your intellect and that you do not swim in a larger body of water. If I were you and you agree with this statement, I would write that PS.

I feel like you are guessing at the political stripes of the adcom and attempting to sublimanally drop the idea that you are on the same sheet of music. True or not, I don't think it will work. What you have put forth is a telling rather than showing of your public interest bona fides. If I am off base, please disregard.

This PS comes across as a bit superior because you use big words but poor sentence and paragraph structure. In addition I feel almost as though you are lecturing the reader based on your past experiences. In addition, as I mention, the writing is not great. Many sentences are really just fragmants. You lack good transitions. You fail to state your thesis early in the draft. You often rely on gerunds and uncommon sentence structure to actually hide your point, as if to test the reader. This is not a good idea, IMO, for a PS.

I missed this response. Your assessment is somewhat correct. I may take you advice and lay all my imperfections on the table.

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