PS Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Klinklang
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:11 pm

PS Draft

Postby Klinklang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:16 pm

Edited, I need to do a lot of work before it's ready for TLS.
Last edited by Klinklang on Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Klinklang
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:11 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby Klinklang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:21 pm

Edited, see first.
Last edited by Klinklang on Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:42 pm

no offense, but this is really bad. I dont have time to go into the details now (I will edit this later when I have more time and be sure to tell you why exactly i feel this way) but just want to let you know the personal statement is not a restatement of your resume or a wikipedia definition of diabetes

Klinklang
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:11 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby Klinklang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:45 pm

Edited, see first.
Last edited by Klinklang on Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Klinklang
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:11 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby Klinklang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:58 pm

Edited, see first.
Last edited by Klinklang on Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:12 pm

This is not a well crafted essay. Overall your writing lacks cohesion & fails to grab the reader's attention due to a lack of a consistent theme. In short, the first paragraph does not relate in any logical manner to the final paragraph. Paragraphs two & three focus on an illness & not on you. Consider starting over with a theme that is recognizable in all four paragraphs.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Wed Aug 10, 2011 10:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Klinklang
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:11 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby Klinklang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:13 pm

Edited, see first.
Last edited by Klinklang on Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:19 pm

Readers should understand why each sentence & each paragraph is included in this work. As presented, your personal statement is like a movie that cuts away to two or three unrelated stories. The paragraphs could stand alone & should not be present in the same essay. Develop a theme--a message--about you that you would like to share with others. Each paragraph & every sentence should be a logical progression.

Klinklang
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:11 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby Klinklang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:22 pm

Edited, see first.
Last edited by Klinklang on Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:26 pm

Essentially your essay shows:

Paragraph one: I'm sick.

Paragraph two: This is diabetes.

Paragraph three: Don't be hindered by glaucoma.

Paragraph four: Please admit me because I like your legal clinics.

Your writing is a rough draft. As written, however, the paragraphs share little in common. try to think of your personal statement as a roadmap. In its current form, your essay appears to be several different journeys.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:26 pm

Klinklang wrote:@CanadianWolf: Thanks so much . . . I see what you mean. I've made a few changes to have less of a textbook feel in the second paragraph, cut the side track into having glaucoma, and add relevance to the moot court work (that being, diabetes wasn't an issue). Do you think that helped at all? :)


Hey man, you need to realize your statement is not effective at all, it needs MAJOR MAJOR repairs (if it is salvageable at all). This is not something you can fix in another draft and by adding/subtracting a few sentences.

Right now, I think you still believe that your statement is generally ok. It is not. And you will not be able to fix it in any short span of time. I would say you need at least 2 weeks.

Pardon me being blunt, but you need to understand that your ps is really not up to par and thus, needs major and time consuming repairs.


This should be considered your first draft. It should not be anywhere CLOSE to being your final statement.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:28 pm

A possible theme might focus on inner strength & overcoming obstacles. Your personal struggles may have ignited a desire to fight for others, for example, and law and the legal system are the medicine & hospitals that enable lawyers to help others. ( I know that this is a bit corny, but my point is that every part of your essay has to further the journey to a logical conclusion--a common destination.)
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Klinklang
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:11 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby Klinklang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:32 pm

Edited, see first.
Last edited by Klinklang on Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:35 pm

Personal statements can be important admissions' factors at all law schools, not just the most elite law schools.
A typical goal of legal writing is to present a well reasoned argument in a clear, concise fashion. Logical progression & clarity are the keys.

Your personal statement needs to be rewritten. The most important part is the first sentence; it needs to orient the reader to your final thought (the last paragraph).

Klinklang
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:11 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby Klinklang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:40 pm

Edited, see first.
Last edited by Klinklang on Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:13 pm, edited 2 times in total.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:42 pm

Well, my general thoughts parallels that of canadianwolf's....the major problem your statement has is that it lacks a coherent narrative.


Your statement should tell one story, and one story only. Think of motifs (pain, adversity, challenge) and pick one motif and write it about that. Right now, your statement is all over the place. Your thoughts are very scattered.

so here's a list things to do

1) Focus on one theme, dont stray from it


also, your second paragraph should be condensed to 1 sentence. as you have it, it is nothing more than a description of diabetes, it is pretty much a waste of space.

2) Get rid of the second paragraph.

Being honest, as you have it now, you only have about a paragraph or two of material, the rest is just useless.

3) Fill in the gaps with relevent information to your theme. Let's assume that your theme is overcoming adversity. You want to fill in the gap by telling a story of how your diabetes affected you, inspired you, and brought you to the precipice of law school

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:45 pm

Are you in a rush or up against a deadline? Because right now you seem hell bent on cranking out a good ps tonight.

it isnt going to happen. Take it easy and slow. Your ps needs major work and that takes time...I would suggest you take a step back and realize that your ps is not going to "not hurt you". Meaning, right now it is bad enough to actually get you dinged from a school that would otherwise accept you.

You seriously need at least 2 weeks of hard work on this

Klinklang
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:11 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby Klinklang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:50 pm

Edited, see first.
Last edited by Klinklang on Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:53 pm

Klinklang wrote:No, no deadline, but it needs to be done it time for 9/1 apps. I'm a splitter at my targets so I'd like to ED day one. The idea isn't to crank it out right now, but honestly, TLS is my only source of a good critique or two, so I'm going to utilize the hell out of it for now. :)

Not that I don't appreciate the insight, but that seems a bit harsh - organizing paragraphs is hardly illiteracy. I think I'm fairly well-read and have a decent vocabulary... I just need to be more clear, would you agree? :|


I didnt mention anything about illiteracy?

Klinklang
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:11 pm

Re: PS Draft

Postby Klinklang » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:56 pm

Edited, see first.




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