Rough draft optional Penn essay

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Yeshia90
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Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2011 12:23 am

Rough draft optional Penn essay

Postby Yeshia90 » Wed Aug 10, 2011 2:16 pm

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Last edited by Yeshia90 on Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

lolok
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Joined: Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:52 pm

Re: Rough draft optional Penn essay

Postby lolok » Wed Aug 10, 2011 3:26 pm

Don't wait "on line"...I know it's a regional thing, but outside of NYC I think you should use "in line"

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Yeshia90
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Re: Rough draft optional Penn essay

Postby Yeshia90 » Wed Aug 10, 2011 3:27 pm

lolok wrote:Don't wait "on line"...I know it's a regional thing, but outside of NYC I think you should use "in line"


Really? Huh, never knew that. Then again, if that's the worst you've got, I'll take it!

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crumpetsandtea
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Re: Rough draft optional Penn essay

Postby crumpetsandtea » Wed Aug 10, 2011 3:59 pm

A few notes:
- don't use contractions
- the last sentence of the first P seems to run on a bit. you might want to take out some of the commas and split it up
- IMO, spend less space on the intro and get to the 'how this relates to law' a bit faster...there was a moment where I wondered when the meat of the statement was coming.
- related to the previous point: you say 'couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t care' but you don't actually put in a sentence about WHY you care so much. Yes, it's the first codified set of laws, but what was YOUR reaction to it? I think you should add maybe 1 or 2 sentences between "floored" and "I tried" that basically describe why you were floored in the first place...if that makes any sense XD You kinda get into it towards the end, but it needs to come earlier too, otherwise we don't get why you're so surprised that your friends don't care.
- The last sentence seems a tad bit superfluous/generic. If you can, I'd try to tie it in more specifically. Conclusion sentences are tough though, so if you keep it that way I don't think it's a HUGE deal.

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Yeshia90
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Re: Rough draft optional Penn essay

Postby Yeshia90 » Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:15 pm

You're the best, C&T.




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