DS critique requested - will take down soon.. Forum

[freestallion]

Hi everyone. Took a bit of courage to post this because it's very personal, but I figure I'll get more responses/help this way. Please critique this DS - it comes out to 1 page with size 11 font.

What do you think? I will take this down as soon as I get a few helpful responses. Thanks.

(PLEASE, do not quote directly as I will take it down and prefer not to leave a copy here).



Edit: Thanks for the feedback. Taken down for further editing now.

[kublaikahn]

PMed. for your future review.

[freestallion]

kublaikahn, Thank you SO much for your help and feedback! I'll definitely incorporate it into my statement. I think the writing could definitely be improved, so your edits are really helpful.

Do you think the DS has to be exactly one page, or could it go into 2 pages? I was being very terse because of the page limit, but if I can write a longer statement I can probably incorporate more of your suggestions.

Thanks again.

[thederangedwang]

kublaikahn, that was one of the best re-edits/ rewrites of a ps i have seen,...good job

[kublaikahn]

kublaikahn, Thank you SO much for your help and feedback! I'll definitely incorporate it into my statement. I think the writing could definitely be improved, so your edits are really helpful.

Do you think the DS has to be exactly one page, or could it go into 2 pages? I was being very terse because of the page limit, but if I can write a longer statement I can probably incorporate more of your suggestions.

Thanks again.

i don't know for sure. I think you can go over one page if necessary (as I did on an obstacles addendum) but others may disagree. Read each application carefully regarding their preferences.

[billyez]

My DS was two pages - the same as my PS. But kublaikahn is right; check the applications.

[CanadianWolf]

OP: Your version is sincere & genuine. Whether you decide to edit it or not, please do not adopt the phrase "...you could hear a pin drop...", because you, in fact, could not so how would you know whether or not others could hear this.

The proffered edited version is okay, but seems insincere & manufactured, in my opinion.

P.S. Also, your final paragraph is far better than any option offered.

P.P.S. In short, after reading your original version, I liked you & cared about you, whereas after reading the proffered edited version, I felt indifference.

[kublaikahn]

.

[CanadianWolf]

Sorry that I offended you. That was not my intention. I was just trying to help OP. In my opinion, OP's version is better than the edited version. I still find OP's version sincere & genuine.

[Emma.]

OP: What I think is missing from this statement, and what IMO sets really strong DS essays apart from just "pretty good" ones, is how you will increase the diversity of the school. I mean, is it just the fact that you are hearing-impaired? I'd like to see you spend a sentence or 2 developing how you intend to share your experiences with your classmates or something. You already mention that you learned to confide in your friends about your experiences, so maybe follow up on that?

The whole point of schools seeking diversity (at least from a non-cynical view) is that they think that a range of diverse perspectives in the class will improve the learning experience for everyone. I think you can do a better job of showing how you will share the perspective you have gained as a result of being hearing impaired, how you will contribute something extra to the learning environment as a result of your hearing loss, and why that will benefit your future classmates.

[freestallion]

OP: What I think is missing from this statement, and what IMO sets really strong DS essays apart from just "pretty good" ones, is how you will increase the diversity of the school. I mean, is it just the fact that you are hearing-impaired? I'd like to see you spend a sentence or 2 developing how you intend to share your experiences with your classmates or something. You already mention that you learned to confide in your friends about your experiences, so maybe follow up on that?

The whole point of schools seeking diversity (at least from a non-cynical view) is that they think that a range of diverse perspectives in the class will improve the learning experience for everyone. I think you can do a better job of showing how you will share the perspective you have gained as a result of being hearing impaired, how you will contribute something extra to the learning environment as a result of your hearing loss, and why that will benefit your future classmates.

Thanks for the feedback Emma. That's a really good point you make. I think I was stuck with trying to make this DS fit within 1 page double spaced, so I just was trying to make it as short as possible. But I'll definitely add a few more lines at the end relating how I think I'll contribute to the class.

[billyez]

I can't read kahn's edits. But I like the original. I echo CanadianWolf's sentiments that it strikes me as genuine. I'll add just two things:

1. My first post was given before reading it and was just in regards to the possible length. I don't think you need to add anything to this to make it more effective. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And I don't think this PS is broke in any form or fashion. It's effective at this point. Adding more events might not be as helpful as you think.

2. Emma's point is sound, but I disagree with it. I think your DS has shown that you're a unique, diverse applicant. You've led the reader to that conclusion already. I don't think your PS is aided by adding something about talking to your classmates about it. But eh, different strokes for different folks.

[freestallion]

I can't read kahn's edits. But I like the original. I echo CanadianWolf's sentiments that it strikes me as genuine. I'll add just two things:

1. My first post was given before reading it and was just in regards to the possible length. I don't think you need to add anything to this to make it more effective. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And I don't think this PS is broke in any form or fashion. It's effective at this point. Adding more events might not be as helpful as you think.

2. Emma's point is sound, but I disagree with it. I think your DS has shown that you're a unique, diverse applicant. You've led the reader to that conclusion already. I don't think your PS is aided by adding something about talking to your classmates about it. But eh, different strokes for different folks.

Thanks, billy. Hmm, I'm hearing a bit of contradicting advice on this page. I think 2 of you liked the DS pretty much as is; the other 2 suggested further edits to it.

So, not exactly sure which advice to take at this point, but I'll think about it a bit more/consider all your opinions and see what I come up with. Thanks again.

[billyez]

This kind of situation is perfect. You've got different folks with different views on it. But what there seems to be a consensus is that this is at the very least a good DS that might need some edits. Tinker with it and change it if it works for you.

But seriously - edits or no edits - good job, either way. I'm sure this is going to be a great DS.

[freestallion]

I have edited this a bit, so any thoughts on whether this version is better would be very helpful.

Also if you would like me to post the original version for comparison purposes I would be happy to.

Edit: Removed for editing. Thank you for feedback!

[CanadianWolf]

Excellent--except for portions of the last paragraph. For example, "doubly hard" seems awkward in this context. Consider "diligently" or "tirelessly".

"Winning the battle with hearing loss" is fine, but I also think that you suffered from low self esteem due to the limitations of your disability.

CONSIDER: "Due to my own struggles, I am better able to build empathetic, trusting relationships with our disabled clients."

"Unique perspective" is fine, but overused in personal statements. Consider "uncommon", for example.

[freestallion]

Excellent--except for portions of the last paragraph. For example, "doubly hard" seems awkward in this context. Consider "diligently" or "tirelessly".

"Winning the battle with hearing loss" is fine, but I also think that you suffered from low self esteem due to the limitations of your disability.

CONSIDER: "Due to my own struggles, I am better able to build empathetic, trusting relationships with our disabled clients."

"Unique perspective" is fine, but overused in personal statements. Consider "uncommon", for example.

Thank you- excellent suggestions. I've made the suggested edits above.

[Emma.]

Excellent--except for portions of the last paragraph. For example, "doubly hard" seems awkward in this context. Consider "diligently" or "tirelessly".

"Winning the battle with hearing loss" is fine, but I also think that you suffered from low self esteem due to the limitations of your disability.

CONSIDER: "Due to my own struggles, I am better able to build empathetic, trusting relationships with our disabled clients."

"Unique perspective" is fine, but overused in personal statements. Consider "uncommon", for example.

Thank you- excellent suggestions. I've made the suggested edits above.

I like it!

Totally agree with CandianWolf that "unique perspective" a bad phrase. Every person has a unique perspective. It is almost as bad as saying "I am diverse."

[freestallion]

I like it!

Totally agree with CandianWolf that "unique perspective" a bad phrase. Every person has a unique perspective. It is almost as bad as saying "I am diverse."

Thanks, Emma! Glad you like this version.

Ugh... I'm just starting to think the entire last sentence/paragraph sounds really cliche, but oh well. I feel like all these overcoming obstacles stories end up sounding somewhat trite in the end...

But thanks for your help everyone! Much appreciated!