PS outline, feedback on direction requested

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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sach1282
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PS outline, feedback on direction requested

Postby sach1282 » Sat Aug 06, 2011 11:15 pm

EDIT: Thanks! Making edits. I'll make a post in the swap thread once it's done.
Last edited by sach1282 on Sun Aug 07, 2011 1:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

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billyez
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Re: PS outline, feedback on direction requested

Postby billyez » Sun Aug 07, 2011 12:14 am

You've got to finish it. I'm not going to buy a dozen eggs when I only know four of them are just okay. I need to see the dirty dozen and evaluate it as a whole. An outline is barely even a skeleton. I just don't know if it works in implementation. I certainly can't tell.

The intro isn't weak. It's just not something that latches into me. "A study in contradictions" isn't a groundbreaking intro - the good news is that it doesn't need to be. The point of a PS is developing a theme effectively that shows something unique about you as a candidate. I can't tell if you're going to do that or not. Or whether your paragraphs are going to lead into each other. Or whether the conclusion is going to callback to the intro and tie everything into a neat little bow. Because it's not done.

I will say this, I thought it got a little weak when you started going to the whole "Waldorf School" thing. Before I felt you were really talking about...you know, "you." I don't know about this whole goshdarned "Waldorf school philosophy" deal. But then again, I'm not a private school guy, so I might not have a good frame of reference. :P

But seriously, not a poor start. Maybe even a decent start, go ahead and finish it off.

iamlife1001
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Re: PS outline, feedback on direction requested

Postby iamlife1001 » Sun Aug 07, 2011 12:49 am

Good start.

Issues:
1. I don't understand how analytics come only from one school and vice-v. And maybe it's the beers I've drank, but I actually think the paradox intro statement is a bit misleading. I was expecting some quirky arrangement but found an occurrence that is relatively common.

Why not say: I am a left .... and other mismatched traits and then say I am so because of my unique analytical and creative combo. Then go with the examples that show SItuations that demonstrate the combo. No resume. This combo does not have to stem from some arbitrary schooling--and most think (I think) such traits are inherent in the person.

Just a thought. It's not bad the way it is but it seems vanilla, fake, and boring, to me.

2. The first sentence creates high expectations. I also think it's best to leave it off and to start showing, not telling

iamlife1001
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Re: PS outline, feedback on direction requested

Postby iamlife1001 » Sun Aug 07, 2011 12:58 am

Just read the topic sentences. Good flow / plan. Only suggestion: combine teaching philosophy with teaching in Honduras. Make each sentence introduce related relevant and appropriate experience. If its a trait youre showing, theres no need to limit yourself to an occurance. Also, make Each sentence add and creates excitement. Piling up.

Make sure each detail is necessary and don't bore me with words that don't add anything

kublaikahn
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Re: PS outline, feedback on direction requested

Postby kublaikahn » Sun Aug 07, 2011 1:08 am

Edited: Reading fail, sorry.

This is an interesting way to introduce the paradox of creative analytic, but in the end it might not work. For one, there is a rather famous example of this floating around the universe (I think it is in one of the Essays for Harvard books). Secondly, I think you will probably be better served just introducing this important paradox and developing it.

I also don't think you need to go into the public/private school observation of how you developed this unique set of skills. For one, I doubt that is really what happened. Private schools, even the montesori type creatives also do a good job of developing the quant skills.

freestallion
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Re: PS outline, feedback on direction requested

Postby freestallion » Sun Aug 07, 2011 1:18 am

kublaikahn wrote:This is an interesting way to introduce the paradox of creative analytic, but in the end it might not work. For one, there is a rather famous example of this floating around the universe (I think it is in one of the Essays for Harvard books).


This! I immediately thought of the famous essay on "I am a study in contradictions" that is EVERYWHERE online. It sounded like you just ripped off the phrasing/concept!

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sach1282
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Re: PS outline, feedback on direction requested

Postby sach1282 » Sun Aug 07, 2011 1:30 am

Now that you mention it, I think I have read that essay. Thanks for pointing that out. I had already taken out that theme based on the feedback though.

Sometimes I write things that I think are original and I actually read them somewhere else but didn't realize it. That's happened with people in my band all the time writing songs. We'll get half way through a new song before we realize the main riff is the same progression as another song someone knows.

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billyez
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Re: PS outline, feedback on direction requested

Postby billyez » Sun Aug 07, 2011 1:43 am

freestallion wrote:
kublaikahn wrote:This is an interesting way to introduce the paradox of creative analytic, but in the end it might not work. For one, there is a rather famous example of this floating around the universe (I think it is in one of the Essays for Harvard books).


This! I immediately thought of the famous essay on "I am a study in contradictions" that is EVERYWHERE online. It sounded like you just ripped off the phrasing/concept!


I actually don't have a problem with this. The concept isn't the most important issue here. How you use the concept is. If "a study in contradictions" is a theme that works for you, that you can use to to really describe yourself in this PS., then use it.




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