rough rough draft, am I going in a bad direction? 2dayexpiry

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ag912
Posts: 75
Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 6:10 pm

rough rough draft, am I going in a bad direction? 2dayexpiry

Postby ag912 » Sat Aug 06, 2011 7:35 pm

Is this a bad direction to take my personal statement? If not, what are some good ideas for the next step? I really appreciate all of your help...I'll be taking this down soon.

===========

It was 2:30 in the afternoon, the sun was beating down on me, and I sat outside with a pen and paper in Central Park thinking about what you, the admissions committee, wanted to hear. In the process of applying I had read dozens, if not hundreds of personal statement examples about overcoming adversity as an African immigrant, reconciling racial differences with the American mainstream, and helping to start a multi-million dollar dot com company with two sticks and some dry twigs.

I am not a disenfranchised immigrant with horror stories of economic uncertainty, I have not been fortunate enough to build a company from the ground up, and, luckily, I’ve never had any problems with being Chinese despite the fact that I live in city that is probably ninety percent Caucasian. So I sat there and asked myself how I could synthesize the experiences of my life into a coherent narrative that would convey my desire, my hunger. Would I talk about my 6 year stint in Model United Nations that transformed me from an awkward teenager to a comfortable orator, my year spent abroad in Southeast Asia and the depravity of refugee situations that touched my soul, the time when I spent two weeks of my life delivering food via dilapidated boat to flooded villages on the outskirts of Manila or, maybe, the inspiration I have from my degree-less single mother who worked her way from a secretary’s secretary to the vice presidency of a major investment firm? Then I realized that none of these things define me, none of these could be a vehicle for my personality. All of things are part of who I am but the one thing that underlies it all is my desire to improve myself and drive straight through all the obstacles in my way.

ag912
Posts: 75
Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 6:10 pm

Re: rough rough draft, am I going in a bad direction? 2dayexpiry

Postby ag912 » Sat Aug 06, 2011 7:37 pm

another paragraph ill somehow attach and expand on:

===========

I have no grand story about my interest for law, it began and continued as a result of an internship at the local District Attorney’s office that I came to love. I spent two years in and out of this internship, helping to prepare cases and sitting in on others to take notes or simply to watch. I think it was the litigation that drew me in at first, the preparation, the posturing, it was like war: an endless stream of shifting challengers that tested you from all angles. I became enamored, centered myself, and began to pull my life together in a way that could move me towards this end by bettering my schoolwork and expanding my experiences.

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billyez
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Re: rough rough draft, am I going in a bad direction? 2dayexpiry

Postby billyez » Sat Aug 06, 2011 7:56 pm

I don't like this meta approach that you seem to be developing. I'm interested in what others are going to say about it. I'd rather you fully develop it so it can actually be assessed in it's entirety. We have such a small snippet of what you're trying to do...

But you wanted to know if you're going in a "bad direction", and I think that this method is clumsy and ham-fisted. I certainly don't like the first paragraph. It doesn't matter how many PS's you've read - great research for how you should write yours, notwithstanding - this is the PS that matters. Get to the story. To the narrative. To the picture of "you" that you want to divulge to the reader.

Would I talk about my 6 year stint in Model United Nations that transformed me from an awkward teenager to a comfortable orator, my year spent abroad in Southeast Asia and the depravity of refugee situations that touched my soul, the time when I spent two weeks of my life delivering food via dilapidated boat to flooded villages on the outskirts of Manila or, maybe, the inspiration I have from my degree-less single mother who worked her way from a secretary’s secretary to the vice presidency of a major investment firm?


Hellishly long. You're stuffing too much information in a sentence. This makes it difficult for the reader to digest what you're revealing. It also encourages them to glaze over it. Also, note that these are all points of a resume, rather than blocks in a narrative. You've told me what you've done, but you haven't shown me who you are.

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icecold3000
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Re: rough rough draft, am I going in a bad direction? 2dayexpiry

Postby icecold3000 » Sat Aug 06, 2011 8:51 pm

I think this approach is a no go.

1.) the first paragraph is not hooking.
2.) after reading your opening sentence, I thought to myself "this guy is way to eager to please"
3.) the second paragraph is just a list of things that you are not, followed by another list which probably could be left on your resume

iamlife1001
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:46 pm

Re: rough rough draft, am I going in a bad direction? 2dayexpiry

Postby iamlife1001 » Sat Aug 06, 2011 9:05 pm

I'll bite but you won't like it. scrap the whole thing.

I thought you were playing the AA card with your intro. Yet you're Asian. Weird.

I read two shitty, although, grammatically sound paragraphs and I know nothing about you. Avoid this.

Get to the point. I am (1) (2) (3) because of (a) and (b). Then give examples; and for god's sake dont waste words on the moon and the sky

P.s. I don't roam here much but pm me and I'll look over your other ideas

ag912
Posts: 75
Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 6:10 pm

Re: rough rough draft, am I going in a bad direction? 2dayexpiry

Postby ag912 » Sat Aug 06, 2011 9:20 pm

Ok thanks guys. scrapping.

iamlife1001
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:46 pm

Re: rough rough draft, am I going in a bad direction? 2dayexpiry

Postby iamlife1001 » Sat Aug 06, 2011 9:34 pm

Personal means you. Not your mother or w/e. I want to know wtf inspired you at the da's office to go through 3 years of hell and likely no shot at a respectable da.

Also unless you're aiming for Yale or boalttt, the ps won't make or break you so don't overstress. Just write something legible with paragraphs that contain 1 idea.

thederangedwang
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Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: rough rough draft, am I going in a bad direction? 2dayexpiry

Postby thederangedwang » Sat Aug 06, 2011 9:51 pm

agree with all the above posters, scrap it

think of the ps this way...it is real estate

why would you want to waste half of your property showing off things you DONT own?

You essentially say, in 3 paragraphs....i was sitting here wondering one day all of these things that DONT apply to me....

If i was the adcomm, I would be thinking...ok, you've told me all the things you arent,.....when are you gonna tell me who you ARE?

ps=personal statement...not third person narrative of all that you are not

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: rough rough draft, am I going in a bad direction? 2dayexpiry

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Aug 06, 2011 10:38 pm

Is this a bad direction to take my personal statement? [Yes]
ag912 wrote:So I sat there and asked myself how I could synthesize the experiences of my life into a coherent narrative that would convey my desire, my hunger. Would I talk about my 6 year stint in Model United Nations that transformed me from an awkward teenager to a comfortable orator, my year spent abroad in Southeast Asia and the depravity of refugee situations that touched my soul, the time when I spent two weeks of my life delivering food via dilapidated boat to flooded villages on the outskirts of Manila or, maybe, the inspiration I have from my degree-less single mother who worked her way from a secretary’s secretary to the vice presidency of a major investment firm? Then I realized that none of these things define me, none of these could be a vehicle for my personality.


No they couldn't be a vehicle for your personality. But they could be a vehicle for explaining ... my desire to improve myself and drive straight through all the obstacles in my way.




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