Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

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sach1282
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Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby sach1282 » Fri Aug 05, 2011 2:58 pm

Need to swap, PM!
Last edited by sach1282 on Mon Aug 08, 2011 10:31 pm, edited 8 times in total.

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Kilpatrick
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby Kilpatrick » Fri Aug 05, 2011 3:07 pm

Dude you need to start over. Get rid of the quotes. Don't talk about Churchill's philosophies. "I’ve strived to overcome myself in the most Nietzschien sense."?? Don't ever write a sentence like this again in your life.

The overall structure is kind of corny but it's fine if that's really the direction you want to go. The theme is decent. I would go with less examples though. I started skimming after the second one. Teaching philosophy, jumping off cliffs, walking to Florida. Those three are enough right there.

MumofCad
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby MumofCad » Fri Aug 05, 2011 3:14 pm

I would lose the initial quote and add something more explicit to the beginning to connect the ideas presented. I too started skimming without a sense of where it was going.

I think that is a product also of the fact that the little moments seem to lack direction, connection, or purpose. What are you learning from each of them? That you can do different things?

Finally, the last paragraph turns me off.

I think it is original and has promise. It needs a little more clarity of purpose though and reflection in the choice of moments. Why is it revealing to you that you can scuba dive? Or jump off a cliff or what not? These seem like choices you can make or not make, but don't necessarily require any self-reflection or personal growth to achieve.

I would take out jumping off cliffs for sure, nothing really there. Take out scuba diving. The rest could be interesting with some tweaking.

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blurbz
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby blurbz » Fri Aug 05, 2011 3:28 pm

I think the comments above might be a little too nice, but I'm not overly concerned about that.

The biggest suggestion that I'll make is to take out the bit about jumping off a cliff when you apply to Cornell. If you don't know why, then google it.

firemed
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby firemed » Fri Aug 05, 2011 3:36 pm

blurbz wrote:I think the comments above might be a little too nice, but I'm not overly concerned about that.

The biggest suggestion that I'll make is to take out the bit about jumping off a cliff when you apply to Cornell. If you don't know why, then google it.

:lol: :lol: :lol:


Also, as above get rid of the quotes.

Also also, I don't like the format. I didn't read more than a few paragraphs in, partly because of that.

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sach1282
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby sach1282 » Fri Aug 05, 2011 3:39 pm

I get most of the comments but I honestly don't get what's so bad about the cliff jumping? I'm terrified of heights, but I ended up jumping off a 60 foot cliff in the Ithaca gorges just for the sake of overcoming that fear. Where do you guys get off the train?

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Kilpatrick
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby Kilpatrick » Fri Aug 05, 2011 3:41 pm

sach1282 wrote:I get most of the comments but I honestly don't get what's so bad about the cliff jumping? I'm terrified of heights, but I ended up jumping off a 60 foot cliff in the Ithaca gorges just for the sake of overcoming that fear. Where do you guys get off the train?


Cornell students commit suicide by jumping into those gorges. It might be a sensitive subject around there

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sach1282
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby sach1282 » Fri Aug 05, 2011 3:42 pm

Oh.

Well that makes sense.

thederangedwang
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby thederangedwang » Fri Aug 05, 2011 9:00 pm

any chance you could post your ps back up and/or pm it to me? I want to read it based on the comments

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sach1282
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby sach1282 » Sat Aug 06, 2011 10:22 pm

PM sent. Anyone else who wants to read it can PM me. I'm just uncomfortable leaving it out in the open internet for more than half an hour.

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sach1282
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Re: Non-traditional PS format (version 2 now!)

Postby sach1282 » Mon Aug 08, 2011 5:30 pm

Edit: Removed.
Last edited by sach1282 on Mon Aug 08, 2011 10:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sparty99
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby sparty99 » Mon Aug 08, 2011 8:35 pm

this PS does not make sense and is horribly written.

firemed
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby firemed » Mon Aug 08, 2011 9:21 pm

First four sentences are good... but look, it isn't great yet. In fact it isn't even good, overall. You need to find people to trade PSes with, so you can edit on each other. Find people on here you like and trust... and whom, unlike me, aren't going to law school next week and have time to look over them.... like your fellow 0Ls on here.

This will not only help you (it gives you other PSes to read and think about to help you think about yours more critically, as well as getting yours edited and criticized) but will also keep your PS from being subject to public ridicule.

I am saying this to be nice, not harsh, sorry if it comes off that way I am having a bad day.

delusional
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby delusional » Mon Aug 08, 2011 10:11 pm

Hmmm. I'ma go ahead and disagree with the people who didn't like it. I'm a sucker for self-actualization, and your angle is unique. IMO you have two major challenges - presenting yourself as competent despite your fears, and conversely, presenting your fears as an obstacle that is objectively more challenging than fear is to other people. It's a fine line but if you can walk it, your PS will stand out. In the above version, though, I'm not quite convinced that you have any more phobias than the next guy, especially after the first paragraph.

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sach1282
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby sach1282 » Mon Aug 08, 2011 10:31 pm

I've had a post up in the swapping PS section for a while, but no PMs. If anyone wants to trade, let me know.

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Eichörnchen
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Re: Non-traditional PS format, need a critique

Postby Eichörnchen » Tue Aug 09, 2011 5:27 pm

Kilpatrick wrote:Dude you need to start over. Get rid of the quotes. Don't talk about Churchill's philosophies. "I’ve strived to overcome myself in the most Nietzschien sense."?? Don't ever write a sentence like this again in your life.

The overall structure is kind of corny but it's fine if that's really the direction you want to go. The theme is decent. I would go with less examples though. I started skimming after the second one. Teaching philosophy, jumping off cliffs, walking to Florida. Those three are enough right there.

:lol: gonna have to agree with that, even without context.




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