READ MY Diversity Statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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READ MY Diversity Statement

Postby ttunsehc » Mon Aug 01, 2011 10:47 pm

Can somebody read this and tell me what they think?

During high school, I lived in an ethnically diverse part of Miami which consisted mostly of Caribbeans from the lower socioeconomic stratum. People in my neighborhood were the paragon of racial diversity. In my neighborhood, I lived next to a mix of people from the Americas such as Puerto Ricans, Trinidadians, Cubans, Haitians, and Peruvians. This was a neighborhood where within two blocks, a pedestrian could eat Jamaican patties, Trinidadian rotti, Vietnamese pho, Cuban pastelitos, or Haitian legim. In my neighborhood, most parents were first generation immigrants who worked blue collar jobs such as my mother who immigrated from Hong Kong to Jamaica and eventually Miami. While my mother cleaned houses for a living other parents landscaped and others worked as mechanics. Thus, while my neighborhood was racially unalike, my neighborhood was socioeconomically similar.
Even though my family was socioeconomically disadvantaged, I unlike friends from my neighborhood, attended college. Because I took advanced placement classes with affluent kids, and I lived in a neighborhood where my friends did not take upper-level classes nor were affluent, I was privy to two worlds. In one world, friends from my advanced classes attended college and graduated with honors; I saw friends who did not have to worry about money because their parents were bankers and doctors. But, in another world, friends from my neighborhood dropped out of high school or got arrested; I saw friends start work immediately after high school to help support their family. For those friends in my neighborhood, I saw a path very different from my own. During the summer after college commencement, I realized that their path could have easily been mine. At one point in the past I possibly might not have attended college to help support my family; it was possible that I could have obtained a job instead of focus on a career. But, because friends from my classes influenced me, and through federal and state scholarships I attended college and graduated summa cum laude.
I believe it is the hallmark of a great nation, that within a generation, a family can raise itself from poverty to bearing a child who graduated from college with the opportunity to attend law school. But, I also realize that there is a dearth of opportunity for many from my socioeconomic background. Thus, to law school, I bring concerns, understanding, and empathy for those socioeconomically disadvantaged people who often do not have the opportunity to obtain a college degree, and even less, a law degree. In this nation, people can affect change by becoming a professional such as an attorney. By becoming an attorney, I can offer opportunities for those in my socioeconomic position; that same opportunity which this nation has afforded my family.

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Re: READ MY Diversity Statement

Postby quetzal_bird » Tue Aug 02, 2011 1:57 am

You need to work on your grammar, vocabulary, sentence organization, and the pluralization of a few nouns. There are punctuation problems - lots of comma issues - and you dip into language that's too casual ("kids").

In the first paragraph - and throughout - many sentences are awkward. Whenever you use "such as" the sentence reads weirdly to me. The transition between the first and second paragraph is poor. The list of food in the first paragraph is unnecessary. "People in my neighborhood were the paragon of racial diversity" is a bad sentence. If you do use "paragon," which I wouldn't, it should be pluralized.

In the second paragraph, I think that setting up this opposition between socioeconomic classes is overly simplistic. You write "At one point in the past I possibly might not have attended college to help support my family." I honesty think this should be the first sentence of your PS and let your story take off from there.

This PS feels short and rushed. You set the scene for your life a bit, but I don't really feel like you are coming across in it

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Re: READ MY Diversity Statement

Postby kublaikahn » Tue Aug 02, 2011 3:12 am

[use the active voice. It is so much more powerful]
Last edited by kublaikahn on Thu Aug 04, 2011 12:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: READ MY Diversity Statement

Postby 99.9luft » Tue Aug 02, 2011 3:27 am

Good but not great. Needs editing. You can cut this in half and still preserve your message. Also, you use the word "neighborhood" 11 times. Re-phrase.

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