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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ajax
Posts: 278
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 9:33 pm

mods - please delete thread

Postby ajax » Thu Jul 28, 2011 9:39 pm

mods - please delete thread
Last edited by ajax on Fri Jul 29, 2011 8:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby thederangedwang » Thu Jul 28, 2011 10:02 pm

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Last edited by thederangedwang on Fri Jul 29, 2011 9:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Jul 28, 2011 10:50 pm

OP: Your self critique is accurate. It's clear that you haven't written anything substantial on a regular basis. Your essay is awkward. The writing doesn't flow as it should & it lacks substance. The substance that you attempt to offer is insight as to why you want to attend law school & become a lawyer, but the content of your writing lacks depth & is, therefore, unconvincing.

In a few instances, you misuse words. For example, "qualified" when you mean "quantified", and "rigor" when "vigor" is more appropriate, and "I felt alive" rather than "I was alive", all exemplify careless word choices.

Writing well requires practice. A good start is to read others' law school application essays.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Thu Jul 28, 2011 10:59 pm, edited 3 times in total.

lawgod
Posts: 465
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 3:22 pm

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby lawgod » Thu Jul 28, 2011 10:52 pm

I like to criticize people and things they do. But I don't want to read it.
Sorry.

User avatar
Emma.
Posts: 2401
Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:57 pm

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby Emma. » Thu Jul 28, 2011 10:57 pm

Unsubstantial is exactly right. I don't feel like I learn anything at all about your when I read this.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Jul 28, 2011 10:58 pm

This is pure gold. It is casually retarded, yet I get a good sense of who you are. Cocky, but not too the point of being ungrounded. You need to make it less conversational (more formal), fix the grammar, and go deeper. Going deeper should not be a problem because this piece is much less than two pages double spaced, and more succinct writing will open up more real estate for you.

Change the tone somewhat. You can be self-critical without being self-dismissive. Is it really "cowardly" to not get in the game? Or did you simply choose the path of least resistance?

I wonder if I don't need the part about a second job and success as a trader. define why you go there. Is it a seeking and not finding sort of thing? A drifting without direction thing?

ETA: I realize that it seems you have some risk in this. Does the question arise "Why did it take you three years to figure out you were on the wrong path?"
Last edited by kublaikahn on Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:00 pm

Or it may be a growth & maturity theme.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby thederangedwang » Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:04 pm

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Last edited by thederangedwang on Fri Jul 29, 2011 9:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:06 pm

I should note that when I say this is pure gold, I mean that it was interesting that someone would so casually lay out their weaknesses like that. I found it refreshing, but in hindsight, it may end up costing you.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:13 pm

An interesting parallel is that OPs' essay about a lack of substance in his career lacks substance.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:18 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:An interesting parallel is that OPs' essay about a lack of substance in his career lacks substance.

That's why I love it! It's strangely cogent.

ajax
Posts: 278
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 9:33 pm

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby ajax » Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:27 pm

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Last edited by ajax on Fri Jul 29, 2011 9:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Emma.
Posts: 2401
Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:57 pm

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby Emma. » Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:30 pm

ajax wrote:First, thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate all the input. Honestly, I just sat down and wrote that in 1.5 hrs.

My serious question to all of you is: If that is what I can come up with in 1.5 hrs of writing, do I have a chance at succeeding in law school? Or would you all have compiled something better given the same amount of time.

I did graduate from a top 25 undergrad with a 3.3, and scored a 163 on my LSAT. Trading and brokering both blow, and honestly, I'm looking for a stable career path. Should I just abort the idea of law school all together with that sample POS writing I just gave you all?


Don't worry too much about your writing. I think most people on here would recognize that even a very rough draft of a PS takes time and thought, very few people can bang something out in a couple of hours. IMO, you need to spend more time thinking about the story you want to tell to admissions staff before you start trying to just get something on paper.

What you should be more worried about is whether the school you can get into with a 3.3/163 is going to offer you a stable career path.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby thederangedwang » Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:34 pm

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Last edited by thederangedwang on Fri Jul 29, 2011 9:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:37 pm

Your wife, a Georgetown law graduate & a practising attorney, should be able to assess whether or not law is a profession that you should pursue.

ajax
Posts: 278
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 9:33 pm

Re: Critics Welcome!

Postby ajax » Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:38 pm

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