Help with a second draft please!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Joined: Wed Apr 27, 2011 4:54 pm

Help with a second draft please!

Postby upandup » Sat Jul 23, 2011 4:07 am

What do you guys think? Thanks for your help. For those interested in comparing, my first draft is listed on the thread just a few down from this one ('PS first draft - have at it!'). I did my best to take into consideration the advice listed on my first thread. Here goes:

_________, especially in a blue collar coastal town where Italian and Portuguese are the most prevalent second languages, is not the best place to be exposed to Spanish. Yet despite this lack of real world contact with hispanohablantes, a love of Spanish was fostered in me right away during my high school years. Still, I questioned the language’s applicability for me. When would I ever be able to use Spanish, anyway, and how? Although I enjoyed learning and speaking it, I had never lived outside of my hometown and feared that I simply would never be in a position to put it to use.

This fear, however, was unexpectedly put to rest one day during my freshman year at ______________. As I was waiting to pay for my groceries at a supermarket just off campus, I noticed that the line was at a standstill. I looked ahead and soon identified the cause of the problem: two equally frustrated people, one a cashier and the other a patron, were clearly struggling to overcome a language barrier. After some consideration I cautiously approached the register and offered to help. I ended up resolving the issue with little difficulty, much to the relief of those who had been impatiently waiting in line. Although this event was rather unassuming it caused me to have a revelation, making me realize that not only was Spanish closer to me than I had thought, but also that my abilities could positively impact those around me.

From this point forward I became determined to continue to learn Spanish, now cemented in my belief that I could apply my skills in the future. I soon decided how I would take the next big leap needed to increase my proficiency: complete immersion in a Spanish-speaking culture. I decided to study abroad in Spain and eschewed the most popular choices of Madrid and Barcelona, fearful that such large, cosmopolitan cities would not force me out of my English-speaking comfort zone. Instead I chose Granada, a beautiful city situated at the base of the Sierra Nevadas which receives its vibrancy from its extensive student population. I knew immediately that I had made the correct choice when I heard nothing but Spanish being spoken in every shop and on every corner.

During my time in Spain the significance and advantage of multilingualism was readily apparent. Unlike in the United States, it was commonplace for much of the population to speak at least two languages, especially with the younger generations. I witnessed firsthand many times both the frustrations of not being able to communicate well and the benefits of being multilingual. Although it was difficult to come home after such an eye-opening experience, I returned feeling confident and hopeful that I could employ my language skills in a future career.

Although I have never “always wanted to be a lawyer,” I was introduced to the legal profession when I was young. My _________ always spoke about his choice to become an attorney without reservations, claiming that, aside from marrying my _____________, it was the best decision he had ever made. He simply loved to practice, so much so that he was notoriously bad at tending to the bookkeeping end of his business, instead being too focused on cases at hand. He shared this enthusiasm with me and told me what he enjoyed from practicing, including the value of pursuing fairness and the personal thrill and satisfaction one gets from winning a case. These aspects of the profession greatly appealed to me and first caused me to consider following his path.

So, it would be fair to say that a career in law has been in my mind for a long time. Nonetheless, I remained uncommitted, unsure of whether there was a career in law which interested me enough to pursue it. Much like my initial uncertainty with Spanish, I knew I had to address problems of personal applicability. Although I greatly respected my __________, his abilities, and his impressions of law that he imparted on me, he practiced _________________ law, and this did not appeal to me. This was worrisome because I felt as if I wanted what could be experienced through law but did not know exactly how to get it.

It may seem like an obvious outcome that I have now chosen to combine these two passions which, for me, perhaps would not have been able to stand on their own in a future career of mine. However, I did not arrive at this point easily. I understand, for example, that it could be a challenge in a lingual sense having not been raised from childhood with both Spanish and English; those raised with both languages certainly do have an edge. Regardless, I feel strongly that how much one enjoys his work is an enormous factor in determining how well that person will overcome future problems. I know that because I will be passionate about my work, I will be able to put forth the time and effort necessary to achieve success.

Therefore, it will be at an intersection between Spanish and law where I seek to echo the success of my _____________ while still reflecting my own personality. I feel that these two interests are no longer out of place, but instead can complement each other very well. This is true not only for me, but also for a country which is now seeing its percentage of hispanohablantes rise while at the same time its level of interaction increases with its southerly neighbors. In short, there will only be an increase in demand for attorneys who are bilingual in Spanish and English. Because of this, by combining passions for Spanish and law I will be able to lead both a rewarding and useful career in the legal field.

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