Further draft for critique, please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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elibrarian
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Further draft for critique, please

Postby elibrarian » Sun Jul 17, 2011 1:35 pm

Removed for even further editing! Thanks all.
Last edited by elibrarian on Mon Jul 18, 2011 12:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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elibrarian
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Re: Further draft for critique, please

Postby elibrarian » Sun Jul 17, 2011 7:50 pm

anyone?

witorres89
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Re: Further draft for critique, please

Postby witorres89 » Sun Jul 17, 2011 8:16 pm

elibrarian wrote: Coming from a family of educators, it would be easy to say this is where my love and fascination with language developed, but it would mean discounting the quiet main (man?)that I have modeled myself after, the man who indirectly, and over time, pointed me to a career in law. "

I thought your essay was interesting and original. I would try to focus the essay on your strengths and why you would be a good candidate for law school and not just your love of language.

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jln04a
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Re: Further draft for critique, please

Postby jln04a » Sun Jul 17, 2011 9:00 pm

elibrarian wrote:I remember thinking how much alike him he and I were; the quiet ones in a family often overwhelmed by chatter.

Language not only (parallelism) connected me to my grandfather, but also opened me to the excitement of new ideas and perspectives. His influence led me to search for further ways to immerse myself in language, eventually leading me to study French in Paris. In a small way, (added comma) I was honoring my grandfather in this choice, sharing our kinship by struggling with a new language and culture that eventually became one of my own.

Sitting together in his kitchen, often amidst a flurry of noise and activity, him he and I would read the papers. My Grandfather preferred the Sun-Times while my choice was always the Tribune. Sitting with his red pencil, I would watch him sigh and circle words and phrases he found interesting. (Misplaced modifier as you are not sitting with his red pencil.) Though more often than not (cliche and overly wordy when words like "commonly" or "frequently" or "oftentimes" would suffice.) these would remain wordless interactions, the few times he did speak, I always listened. Though never one to force his opinions or thoughts on others, my Grandfather did not lack conviction. It was the care with which he chose his words that I most remember. Always sure of himself though and never arrogant, he has been the greatest influence in my life.


Also, the word "grandfather" shouldn't be capitalized throughout because you are addressing him as my grandfather, which is not a proper noun.

I don't think a PS has to be about why you would be a good candidate specifically. In your case, the love of words and the passion you have attempt to illustrate that you would be a good candidate. Maybe if you want to add something to reinforce your passion, you could further strengthen your essay.

redwings15
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Re: Further draft for critique, please

Postby redwings15 » Sun Jul 17, 2011 9:15 pm

Retake

sold123
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Re: Further draft for critique, please

Postby sold123 » Sun Jul 17, 2011 10:32 pm

You have put together a thoughtful and gentle PS, but it doesn't have a moment that clearly ties everything together.

You need a "hammer" moment, because right now the PS reads more like a careful observation that lacks a proper ending. Perhaps you might consider citing a more specific circumstance that affected you, that somehow links back to your grandfather's influence, in order to break the reader out of his/her lull.

kublaikahn
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Re: Further draft for critique, please

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Jul 18, 2011 12:25 am

You are on the right track, despite some grammar and spelling issues. If you want to take this to the next level you will need to structure it better and deepen your arguments. Notice how brief each paragraph is and how each topic does not build on the last nor flow from it.


The care and precision with which my Grandfather learned English, a necessity after being adopted and brought to America during WWII, has always struck me. His careful approach to language is what I have striven for in not only my academic pursuits but my daily life. I have always been a reader, but it was not until my Grandfather’s dictionary found me that I began to become passionate about words.
For example, this paragraph is about using language carefully and precisely and then you conclude it with a statement about passion. These are unrelated and the conclusion is not supported by the argument in the paragraph. It's as if you decided against a conclusion and referred back to the dictionary, from which you have long since moved past. Also, this conclusion is not true. It was not the dictionary, but your relationship that formed your love of language. The dictionary is simply your touchstone.


Language connected me to my grandfather, but also opened me to the excitement of new ideas and perspectives. His influence led me to search for further ways to immerse myself in language, eventually leading me to study French in Paris. In a small way I was honoring my grandfather in this choice, sharing our kinship by struggling with a new language and culture that eventually became one of my own. Although the experience of studying abroad was often challenging, I reveled in the thought that I was experiencing what my Grandfather had felt in learning and familiarizing himself with English. He had taught me to love language not only for what it expressed but the new experiences it allowed.
This paragraph is trying to say you chose to pursue language to stay connected with your grandfather, but benefitted (grew) from making this choice. (The Paris experience is a supporting premise.) However, your approach is convoluted. I think this occurs because you are relying too heavily on the pathos of this story to follow the logic of the argument. You need to rewrite this more succinctly and change the order of the information. Additionally, you have not built the foundation earlier in the PS because you dropped the main arguments about language having utility.

You should outline what you have, and then adjust the outline to what you really want to say. And don't be afraid to kill your babies. Also, I would consider adjusting care and precision to deliberate and thoughtful.

Outline
    I keep a dictionary as a touchstone to my grandfather who had a great influence over me

    My grandfather fostered my love of language.
  • He valued and repected language
    1. He was careful and deliberate in studying it
    2. He was careful and economic in its use
  • I garnered my appreciation for language by developing these same values

    Language has served me
  • It helped me connect and stay connected to my grandfather
  • It afforded me opportunities to grow and learn (Paris)
  • It helped me succeed academically

    My grandfather, by encouraging me to love and respect words has led me to law school
  • Not sure here (you haven't given us anything here other than the implied connection between letters and law)




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