Review My Personal Statement!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
thederangedwang
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Review My Personal Statement!

Postby thederangedwang » Thu Jul 14, 2011 1:55 pm

Thanks, I'm actually just looking for general comments..like does it read well, is it interesting etc. But if you want to do line by line, in depth, analysis, then obviously I would like that as well.

Names and places have been changed



Last edited by thederangedwang on Thu Jul 14, 2011 9:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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glitched
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby glitched » Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:04 pm

first things first... it's quite unfortunate that you and the supposed number one tennis star have the same name... but also worse is that you share the same name with the very popular and successful singer/actor/songwriter Will Smith, also known as the Fresh Prince. starting your ps with that quote is not only confusing but also isn't very effective. starting with a quote is an art that should not be taken lightly.

at the end of your ps, i came with the feeling of "okay... so what?" - cool. you worked hard at tennis and you loved it, growing as a person. then go be a tennis player. i know the ps is an "open topic" but it's an open topic when considering it is a law school admissions essay.

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Moomoo2u
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby Moomoo2u » Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:05 pm

I think it's ok.

The part where you talk about your rankings artificially increasing is a little off-putting since you don't mention you taking steps to resolve the discrepancy.
this part:

A few weeks later William and I played in our first tournament together. Wanting to take full advantage of this opportunity and thinking that the ranking confusion would be a good icebreaker, my dad suggested that I go introduce myself to William so that I could gain valuable insight. I took his advice. Before my first match, I walked up to William and absentmindedly said, “Hey, you must be Will right?”

I knew I was in trouble the second I uttered Will instead of William. His smile faded, replaced by a complexion of confusion, shock, and utter disgust. His eyes darkened, calculating, thinking, wondering who in the world I was and how I could inflict such pain onto him. Seconds ticked by as both of us struggled to form words, but I could do nothing but wait for the inevitable hammer to fall. I still do not know whether or not he surmised that I was Will but what I do know is what he finally spat out, “I’m not Will, I’m WILLIAM. Will Smith sucks, I’m ten times better than him.”


Is really strange. It makes the other will out to be a pretentious douche, if my name were william or james or michael i wouldn't care if someone called me will, or jim or mike. I get that you're trying to say that he thought you were confusing him with you but it sounds a little strange to me especially when you put all the emphasis on describing time freezing and the error of saying such blasphemous words etc etc etc


The last two paragraphs are excellent and the metaphors are well explained I would just take out some of the description of that moment you and william had.

EDIT: after reading the comment above me and re-reading the essay I also think you should focus a little less on the description of Rocky IV esque montages of you training in the snow and winning championships and more time on how tennis has shaped you and made you stronger specifically and how you can apply it in other fields etc (you mention it but you don't really go into detail)

thederangedwang
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby thederangedwang » Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:35 pm

glitched wrote:first things first... it's quite unfortunate that you and the supposed number one tennis star have the same name... but also worse is that you share the same name with the very popular and successful singer/actor/songwriter Will Smith, also known as the Fresh Prince. starting your ps with that quote is not only confusing but also isn't very effective. starting with a quote is an art that should not be taken lightly.

at the end of your ps, i came with the feeling of "okay... so what?" - cool. you worked hard at tennis and you loved it, growing as a person. then go be a tennis player. i know the ps is an "open topic" but it's an open topic when considering it is a law school admissions essay.


Thanks, but as you can see from my intro, will smith is not my real name..."names and places have been changed".....i needed to change my name to protect my real identity while at the same time communicating the nature of the error (the ranking system)...so dont dwell on that...I could have just as easily substituted "Fernando Garcia" instead of Will Smith...perhaps I should have chosen a better name

thederangedwang
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby thederangedwang » Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:40 pm

Moomoo2u wrote:I think it's ok.

The part where you talk about your rankings artificially increasing is a little off-putting since you don't mention you taking steps to resolve the discrepancy.
this part:

A few weeks later William and I played in our first tournament together. Wanting to take full advantage of this opportunity and thinking that the ranking confusion would be a good icebreaker, my dad suggested that I go introduce myself to William so that I could gain valuable insight. I took his advice. Before my first match, I walked up to William and absentmindedly said, “Hey, you must be Will right?”

I knew I was in trouble the second I uttered Will instead of William. His smile faded, replaced by a complexion of confusion, shock, and utter disgust. His eyes darkened, calculating, thinking, wondering who in the world I was and how I could inflict such pain onto him. Seconds ticked by as both of us struggled to form words, but I could do nothing but wait for the inevitable hammer to fall. I still do not know whether or not he surmised that I was Will but what I do know is what he finally spat out, “I’m not Will, I’m WILLIAM. Will Smith sucks, I’m ten times better than him.”


Is really strange. It makes the other will out to be a pretentious douche, if my name were william or james or michael i wouldn't care if someone called me will, or jim or mike. I get that you're trying to say that he thought you were confusing him with you but it sounds a little strange to me especially when you put all the emphasis on describing time freezing and the error of saying such blasphemous words etc etc etc


The last two paragraphs are excellent and the metaphors are well explained I would just take out some of the description of that moment you and william had.

EDIT: after reading the comment above me and re-reading the essay I also think you should focus a little less on the description of Rocky IV esque montages of you training in the snow and winning championships and more time on how tennis has shaped you and made you stronger specifically and how you can apply it in other fields etc (you mention it but you don't really go into detail)


Thanks, but that was what I was going...he WAS a pretentious douche...the reason why he cared so much was because my name had essentially ruined his name..hence the insult...the story is about me overcoming this insult and becoming a better tennis player and person as a result.

Perhaps i need to clear the story up a bit...but pretend u were the top ranked player in a state and u saw ur ranking fall a lot because some guy (who sucked) had the same name as you and as a result, the rankings were messed up..wouldnt u be pissed as well? that was what happened here...he was venting his anger at me...and me, inadvertantly shortening his name, triggered this

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glitched
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby glitched » Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:41 pm

thederangedwang wrote:
glitched wrote:first things first... it's quite unfortunate that you and the supposed number one tennis star have the same name... but also worse is that you share the same name with the very popular and successful singer/actor/songwriter Will Smith, also known as the Fresh Prince. starting your ps with that quote is not only confusing but also isn't very effective. starting with a quote is an art that should not be taken lightly.

at the end of your ps, i came with the feeling of "okay... so what?" - cool. you worked hard at tennis and you loved it, growing as a person. then go be a tennis player. i know the ps is an "open topic" but it's an open topic when considering it is a law school admissions essay.


Thanks, but as you can see from my intro, will smith is not my real name..."names and places have been changed".....i needed to change my name to protect my real identity while at the same time communicating the nature of the error (the ranking system)...so dont dwell on that...I could have just as easily substituted "Fernando Garcia" instead of Will Smith...perhaps I should have chosen a better name


haha yeah i was just making a joke. but the thing about starting with a quote still stands.

I re-read the statement and I get a better understanding of what you're TRYING to say... that you have a fire, drive, motivation, determination (and in the subtext - thats why i would be good at law) but i just think it's so unnecessary to add the drama. instead of some strange "rivalry" giving you the drive, wouldn't it be better to talk about the love of the game. it's one of your passions and that should be reason enough to have motivation. there is just a negative undertone throughout the first half that i just don't like.

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sunynp
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby sunynp » Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:43 pm

I think you could lose the whole story about why you woke up to your complacency in tennis, because I didn't even understand most of it. I understand it is important to you, but it just doesn't leap off the page. It is confusing.

I liked the part about your dedication and lessons learned. I think you could say that you even moved states to become a better tennis player. Maybe you have more lessons learned that will translate into why you want to be a lawyer and how these lessons will help you?

thederangedwang
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby thederangedwang » Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:55 pm

glitched wrote:
thederangedwang wrote:
glitched wrote:first things first... it's quite unfortunate that you and the supposed number one tennis star have the same name... but also worse is that you share the same name with the very popular and successful singer/actor/songwriter Will Smith, also known as the Fresh Prince. starting your ps with that quote is not only confusing but also isn't very effective. starting with a quote is an art that should not be taken lightly.

at the end of your ps, i came with the feeling of "okay... so what?" - cool. you worked hard at tennis and you loved it, growing as a person. then go be a tennis player. i know the ps is an "open topic" but it's an open topic when considering it is a law school admissions essay.


Thanks, but as you can see from my intro, will smith is not my real name..."names and places have been changed".....i needed to change my name to protect my real identity while at the same time communicating the nature of the error (the ranking system)...so dont dwell on that...I could have just as easily substituted "Fernando Garcia" instead of Will Smith...perhaps I should have chosen a better name


haha yeah i was just making a joke. but the thing about starting with a quote still stands.

I re-read the statement and I get a better understanding of what you're TRYING to say... that you have a fire, drive, motivation, determination (and in the subtext - thats why i would be good at law) but i just think it's so unnecessary to add the drama. instead of some strange "rivalry" giving you the drive, wouldn't it be better to talk about the love of the game. it's one of your passions and that should be reason enough to have motivation. there is just a negative undertone throughout the first half that i just don't like.


yeah i agree with that, ill change the story a bit, and TLS does need a "joking" font

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usuaggie
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby usuaggie » Thu Jul 14, 2011 3:01 pm

somebody who writes the word "sucks" in their PS is somebody who i do not want to be my lawyer. nothing against you, but i think that is a pretty normal thought.

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Moomoo2u
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby Moomoo2u » Thu Jul 14, 2011 4:08 pm

usuaggie wrote:somebody who writes the word "sucks" in their PS is somebody who i do not want to be my lawyer. nothing against you, but i think that is a pretty normal thought.



Replace the words: writes and PS with has and on their avatar respectively.

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cinephile
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby cinephile » Thu Jul 14, 2011 4:51 pm

thederangedwang wrote:One of the first footwork drills that I learned is called ‘a thousand steps’. Aptly named, it refers to the need to take many small adjustment steps in order to make sure that one is in a perfect hitting position. Tennis has continually challenged and forced me to adjust and I am where I am now because of it. Tennis has taught me the virtues of hard work and preparation, of patience and steady consistency, of modesty and humility. I look forward to bringing these on court qualities in court. I have learned that those who keep their eyes on the prize ultimately fail to reach it since they are not keeping their eyes on the ball. I am on the ball. I am ready to climb a thousand steps. I am ready for the challenges ahead.


This is what you should expan on. Mostly, you need to give specifics about how you've challenged yourself in other ways, academically and professionally. How have you adjusted, worked harded, been modest, etc. outside of tennis.

It's a great start and entertaining (which is important), but it's far too tennis focused. Use that as a starting point, transition into this paragraph, then provide specifics about how you've applied these skills to your academic career and how you hope to in law school and as a lawyer. It wouldn't hurt to also include something explaining "why law."

kublaikahn
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Jul 14, 2011 5:40 pm

I really would have liked to read how in a later match you made William Smith your bitch.

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usuaggie
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby usuaggie » Thu Jul 14, 2011 6:01 pm

Moomoo2u wrote:
usuaggie wrote:somebody who writes the word "sucks" in their PS is somebody who i do not want to be my lawyer. nothing against you, but i think that is a pretty normal thought.



Replace the words: writes and PS with has and on their avatar respectively.



I'm not submitting my avatar with my real name to a law school that I'm applying to as a demonstration of my personal development.

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Moomoo2u
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Re: Review My Personal Statement!

Postby Moomoo2u » Fri Jul 15, 2011 12:48 pm

yeah but he didnt say the words, someone else did, I think it's meant to be relatively "shocking" , anyway I was just kidding I do see your point.




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