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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
nbj08
Posts: 66
Joined: Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:27 am

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Postby nbj08 » Thu Jul 07, 2011 2:37 pm

Thanks to everyone for the feedback!
Last edited by nbj08 on Fri Jul 15, 2011 11:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

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pkrtbx
Posts: 90
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 11:11 am

Re: Third Draft of PS

Postby pkrtbx » Thu Jul 07, 2011 9:04 pm

nbj08 wrote:As I walk toward the school bus stop, I occasionally kick a rock while avoiding the mud-filledmuddy pot holes. Even as a child, I am aware that my life is not ideal. I realize some children have two happily married parents, or and that some may be more financially secure than my family other families are be wealthier than mine. I know some children may have more opportunities than I am afforded I do. But I feel no sadness, self-pity, or malice toward others because I know what I have been given is enough to make a difference. I am grateful for what I have been given, because there is always someone else who is of even less fortune. (Maybe it's just me, but this just seemed off-putting.) The school bus finally arrives, and my mind is I am humbled.

However odd this may sound, I feel being raised by an impoverished single father in a smoke-filled mobile home off a dirt road has had its advantages.It might sound odd, but there are advantages to being raised in a smoke-filled mobile home by a poor, single father. It has instilled humility humbled me, and appreciation for what I have been afforded made me appreciate what I have. I can relate to those of less fortune little means because it is how I lived we have lived in similar ways. I witnessed the difficult choices my father had to makemy father make difficult choices in order provide for his son. He suffered for the satisfaction of others. However difficult this my early life was, I am grateful because I do not think I would be able to understand the perspective of the less fortunate without having lived through it I would not be able to understand the perspective of poverty without it. I was able to experience experienced poverty first hand. The experience is , but it is just one of the many experiences I have been blessed with. For this, I am extremely grateful.


You, like me, seem to tend towards verboseness. I've just tried to clean up the first two paragraphs a bit and make the prose more direct. Hope this helps.

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pkrtbx
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Re: Third Draft of PS

Postby pkrtbx » Thu Jul 07, 2011 9:13 pm

I should have said this before but I don't mean anything offensive by the use of "poor." I think it comes across much more realistically and emotionally honest than "impoverished," which reads as detached and clinical in a PS, especially when talking about your family. But I know the word "poor" can be touchy for some people, take it as you see fit.

nbj08
Posts: 66
Joined: Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:27 am

Re: Third Draft of PS

Postby nbj08 » Thu Jul 07, 2011 11:22 pm

Many thanks for your suggestions.

pkrtbx wrote:I should have said this before but I don't mean anything offensive by the use of "poor." I think it comes across much more realistically and emotionally honest than "impoverished," which reads as detached and clinical in a PS, especially when talking about your family. But I know the word "poor" can be touchy for some people, take it as you see fit.



No offense taken - I would tend to agree with the lack of emotion with the word "impoverished"

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jln04a
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Re: Third Draft of PS

Postby jln04a » Fri Jul 08, 2011 2:24 am

nbj08 wrote:More importantly, I can see that her successes have come from her work ethic, determination, and integrity. Every day I strive to be like my mother in this regard. She has served as the motivation to leave the life my father lives.


I keep coming back to these lines because there is an implication, albeit subtile, that those who are not wealthy do not possess these qualities. While there are benefits to wealth, it is not necessarily an indication of character.

nbj08 wrote:Without having been exposed to such a lifestyle, I know my life would be tremendously different. I would be a much different person.


Redundant.

nbj08 wrote:I myself have experienced both sides.


Redundant, cut "myself".

nbj08 wrote:Everyone is confronting their own unique circumstance. I know this through experience.


I'll be nitpicky since your PS is important. Everyone is singular; their is plural. It should be "his or her" instead of "their". If you don't want to use "his or her" you could say, "People are confronting their..." or something along those lines. Also when you use the word "this", a noun must follow. In your sentence "this" functions as the noun which it technically cannot do.

nbj08 wrote:The experience is just one of the many I have been blessed with.


Nitpicky again...you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition; it would become "with which I have been blessed" as awkward as that sounds. Also blessed is a somewhat loaded word.


I will end with this thought, you leave me wanting more. I want to know what it meant to you to grow up poor. I would rather hear a story about a sacrifice your father made for you and what that meant as a child. I would spend less time telling the reader about other people who have more...because after reading your PS I have no idea what you mean by "less fortunate." It could be so many things. Be specific.

I like the idea because of the duality. But I am not sure where you're really coming from. Poor and wealthy are such broad terms. It's like saying someone is nice. What does nice mean? Tell me what poor and wealth mean in your life.




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