First draft, Please offer advice

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
RonMexico
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Jul 06, 2011 9:01 pm

First draft, Please offer advice

Postby RonMexico » Wed Jul 06, 2011 9:07 pm

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Last edited by RonMexico on Thu Jul 07, 2011 11:53 am, edited 3 times in total.

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curiouscat
Posts: 315
Joined: Wed May 04, 2011 9:57 pm

Re: First draft, Please offer advice

Postby curiouscat » Wed Jul 06, 2011 9:59 pm

I think we can safely put this down as a rule of thumb: don't talk about the meaning of life in your personal statement unless you have a really, really good reason, and you do it in a really, really good way. This doesn't count.

Right now I'm getting a sense of a vague, disconnected desire to change the world, somehow, someway. Although you try to make some disclaimers, it comes across as naive and idealistic. You try to talk about so many different issues at once that it's not even clear what's motivating you, other than some general helping-people feeling.

I suggest going back to the drawing table. Go for a well-grounded, focused topic that's based on something a little more concrete and well-defined. If you want to keep the helping people theme, make sure that it's specific and supported by something more tangible than a vague idealism. It sounds like you've got some years of experience out of school that you can draw on to build your argument - maybe you can bring some of them in.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: First draft, Please offer advice

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:57 am

Where'd it go?

I would not start a PS with the words "I am not sure". This PS is a about four differnet topics married together under an unstated theme of your desire to bring justice to those in need of it. You need to state the theme succinctly, although I will tell you this theme is probably the most common and pedestrian that I see on TLS.




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