Thanks!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
der_rechtsanwalt
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jul 06, 2011 8:27 pm

Thanks!

Postby der_rechtsanwalt » Wed Jul 06, 2011 8:52 pm

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Last edited by der_rechtsanwalt on Fri Jul 08, 2011 12:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

justhockey31
Posts: 312
Joined: Tue Jul 27, 2010 8:35 pm

Re: Engineering PS for Berkeley w/ Insider Information

Postby justhockey31 » Wed Jul 06, 2011 8:58 pm

My one piece of advice would be to make sure it is not too long for what they ask for...ie if they want a 2 page paper and you give them 4 will not sit well as they are already reading thousands of these

hurldes
Posts: 138
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2010 3:32 pm

Re: Engineering PS for Berkeley w/ Insider Information

Postby hurldes » Wed Jul 06, 2011 10:12 pm

I like it. You have an incredible background. If you have the numbers for Berkeley, you'll be very competitive. As far as your PS goes, you do a good job of showing how you are unique and a good fit for Boalt. I also think it's too long. DO NOT go over the word/page limit. Even if they don't give you a page limit, you should still cut it down to two pages. Honestly I think all you need to do is cut it down and make it more streamlined.

I think you could remove a lot in the first two paragraphs or drop them altogether. Your writing there is clear and good IMO, but all it does is show how much you know about Channel Estimation. I think there's a lot there that the adcomms won't care about. They don't care about the details of wireless modems--but they do care about how proactive and motivated you are, and how you handle challenges.

der_rechtsanwalt
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jul 06, 2011 8:27 pm

Re: Engineering PS for Berkeley w/ Insider Information

Postby der_rechtsanwalt » Wed Jul 06, 2011 10:29 pm

Thanks a lot for the feedback so far! The personal statement is so long because it's meant for Berkeley which has a 4 page limit, and I will definitely cut it down to 2 pages for all my other applications. Good point on decreasing the first two paragraphs for other apps to meet the length requirement, but do you think it would also result in a better essay for Berkeley where I am actually ok on length?

Once again, thank you all, I appreciate it!

hurldes
Posts: 138
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2010 3:32 pm

Re: Engineering PS for Berkeley w/ Insider Information

Postby hurldes » Wed Jul 06, 2011 11:20 pm

I'd say to still cut it down even if you're okay on length because you don't want them wondering, why is this guy telling me all about channel estimation and wireless communications?? I want to know about him. It makes you look smart, but that's the job of your transcripts and LORs. I just don't think going into such great detail about the intricacies of that element of EE says very much about you as a person or law school candidate. It sort of takes away from what's more important in your essay: that you never take the easy route. Your transition from that story into why you want to do patent law is awesome... I say capitalize on that. The story of YOU is great. But the reader might get bogged down in the technicalities of EE... and you don't want that to happen.

But that's just my opinion.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Engineering PS for Berkeley w/ Insider Information

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:43 am

der_rechtsanwalt wrote:Thanks a lot for the feedback so far! The personal statement is so long because it's meant for Berkeley which has a 4 page limit, and I will definitely cut it down to 2 pages for all my other applications. Good point on decreasing the first two paragraphs for other apps to meet the length requirement, but do you think it would also result in a better essay for Berkeley where I am actually ok on length?

Once again, thank you all, I appreciate it!


This is the best PS I have read on here. Seriously.

I still think you can cut it to three pages and leave everything you need in it. Just because Cal gives you 4 pages doesnt mean you should use them. I would also try to make the explanation of Channel estimation a little more accessible to the technically challenged. Some other small corrections like affects-effects and you will be on your way.

Also, "The new design was the true culprit behind the modem crashing and I knew management would inevitably hold me responsible if it delayed our development schedule." is very honest but could be phrased a little more positively to capture your risk taking spirit without sounding negative. For example, "I convinced the company to let me pursue the new design which was crashing the modem. If I could make it work, it would be a dramatic technology leap in power management, but as it stood, it was putting the project at risk."

I can help you tomorrow with some ideas to tone down the techspeak in the first paragraph and make the whole thing a touch more concise.

ETA: I truly do not know the answer to your question about proprietary infomation. But I would think that a no-no, especially since your story works without it. Just say "some of the major players in the telecommunication industry" and "our largest clients"

cornellbeez
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Re: Engineering PS for Berkeley w/ Insider Information

Postby cornellbeez » Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:53 am

If I wanted the wikipedia entry for Channel Estimation, I could have found it on my own.

"Even while taking the final exam I embraced the need to simultaneously observe multiple potentially correct answers and then craft an argument in support of only one of them." What?

"My talents and qualifications would have enabled me to have a successful career as an engineer, but I would not be true to myself if I was not willing to follow this unknown path that captured my imagination." Captured your imagination? Like LOTR or what? Also "I was"? Grammar check needed throughout the essay.

The poster below me is right regarding the length of your sentences. I don't think you are using run-on sentences, but it sure seems like it.
Last edited by cornellbeez on Thu Jul 07, 2011 1:00 am, edited 4 times in total.

vacate123
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Re: Engineering PS for Berkeley w/ Insider Information

Postby vacate123 » Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:55 am

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Last edited by vacate123 on Sat Mar 31, 2012 5:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

071816
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Re: Engineering PS for Berkeley w/ Insider Information

Postby 071816 » Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:56 am

--ImageRemoved--

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Engineering PS for Berkeley w/ Insider Information

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Jul 07, 2011 1:03 am

Please do not listen to this retarded advice. The first paragraph is the only part that is "too technical" and that is because you are "too technical" for the average reader, but not too technical for Berkeley's IP program.. We can clear that up and let the reader get through it much faster. The rest of the PS reads much easier for the "soft science" people.

The rest of this PS beyond the first paragraph could be a little tighter but it is solid writing. Just an aside though, I think the question many adcoms ask about an EE is "yeah, but can this guy write?" So make it as tight as you can.

der_rechtsanwalt
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jul 06, 2011 8:27 pm

Re: Engineering PS for Berkeley w/ Insider Information

Postby der_rechtsanwalt » Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:25 pm

Thanks for all the feedback! The main messages I got from this thread are:
A. Eliminate some of the technology explanations
B. Use simpler sentences
C. Make the essay shorter, even for Berkeley

On the note of making it more concise, to get it to two pages I was planning on eliminating the "Why Berkeley?" portion and the two paragraph on what I want to do with my law degree. Hopefully, once I cut out some of the tech-talk length won't be an issue anymore. Do you think this is a good approach, or should I leave those in (obviously replace the "Why X?" paragraph) and take away from the writing elsewhere? In general, any paragraph that should be removed even for Berkeley?

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Engineering PS for Berkeley w/ Insider Information

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Jul 07, 2011 2:32 pm

der_rechtsanwalt wrote:On the note of making it more concise, to get it to two pages I was planning on eliminating the "Why Berkeley?" portion and the two paragraph on what I want to do with my law degree. Hopefully, once I cut out some of the tech-talk length won't be an issue anymore. Do you think this is a good approach, or should I leave those in (obviously replace the "Why X?" paragraph) and take away from the writing elsewhere? In general, any paragraph that should be removed even for Berkeley?


I wouldnt cut the tech part, because it is important and it offers you the opportunity to show you can take technical subject matter and boil it down for the layman's consumption.

For the two page requirement, either or both of the below two paragraphs could be cut and maintain the integrity of the piece. (Although they do add to your thesis the thesis stands without them.) I

I am particularly interested in the affects patents have on start-ups. Oftentimes it may seem that patents are controlled by major corporations and that they provide a barrier to entry into an industry, forcing entrepreneurs to innovate around already existing designs. I believe that this is a very limited view, and that today patents are actually becoming more of a business asset than a simple exclusion tool. With proper legal guidance and business strategy, patents can actually place start-ups on equal footing with established players in a market, as the value of a well utilized patent does not necessary diminish due to the size of a company. Using my legal degree I intend to help entrepreneurs maximize the utility of their intellectual property, a service vital to allowing healthy, free-market competition within the increasingly stale technology industry. I believe that my broad engineering background enables me to understand the technologies a large range of start-ups are involved in, while my work experience will allow me comprehend and meet their business needs and strategic goals.



From a more academic perspective, I am also interested in the international nature of patents. Technology and manufacturing expertise are superseding borders. Few days go by that I do not discuss designs and potential algorithms with engineers in India and England, constantly exposing technologies vital to A’s existence to the possibility of theft. This level of collaboration can only exist if international intellectual property laws can be trusted to protect the rights of corporations that engage in business overseas. The international enforceability of patents is thus central to the development of today’s unified technology market, but the true implications of a world where technology knows no boarders but law does have yet to be refined. Furthermore, due to advances in technology, and particularly telecommunication, infringement need not occur at a single physical location, further complicating enforcing Intellectual Property rights. These issues and their repercussions require extensive analysis and may even result in a fundamental alteration of the international patent system. In looking into these issues, my international background and past experience with multi-national collaboration will be assets in understanding the problems they pose.

Asleep
Posts: 89
Joined: Thu Jan 06, 2011 2:29 am

Re: Engineering PS for Berkeley w/ Insider Information

Postby Asleep » Thu Jul 07, 2011 2:53 pm

der_rechtsanwalt wrote: I am particularly interested in the affects patents have on start-ups.


Everywhere you use affect, it should be effect.

Also your sentences tend to use a few extra words. They are not run-on sentences, but they are not concise and direct. I would change the quoted sentence to:
"I am particularly interested in patents' effects on start ups." These type of revisions could be made throughout the personal statement and would increase the overall quality of your personal statement.

Hope this helps.




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