Transfer PS Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
kaiser
Posts: 2940
Joined: Mon May 09, 2011 11:34 pm

Transfer PS Critique

Postby kaiser » Mon Jul 04, 2011 12:55 pm

Hey guys, can you please take a quick look at this transfer PS? I start with an anecdote of the experience that led me to attend law school in the first place. After reading a number of transfer PS's, it seems like few people just do a barebones "why do I want to transfer" essay. I felt like it would have more resonance by adding in a little story, as long as the whole statement ended up under 2 pages. I then go into why the new school is the perfect place for a career in that particular area of law. Let me know what you think, and thank you so much for your help.



To others, it was banter in a foreign language -- mere background noise. The tight confines of the employee cafeteria, however, allowed me to decipher every word. Four hotel housekeepers were huddled together, quietly voicing their displeasure with inflexible scheduling policies. While I had few acquaintances among the housekeepers, I took a seat alongside the group. When I entered the conversion, the housekeepers downplayed their concerns, claiming them to be minor inconveniences. My intuition, however, told me otherwise.

It was clear that their veneer of complacency concealed deep-seated frustrations. In line with Hispanic values, the housekeepers viewed their employment as a privilege rather than a duty. This mindset fostered a loyalty toward management that superseded nearly all complaints. Such a cultural differentiation – compounded by a language barrier – kept the housekeepers from overtly voicing their concerns. I found myself compelled to take action. The hotel manager granted me two weeks to prepare and present a report on the matter.

I spent the next two weeks immersed in meticulous preparation. My enthusiasm for the project grew with each day spent compiling data and conducting interviews. I came to emphasize with hardships that never previously factored into my stable family life. The janitor who mopped the floors with a smile, the young housekeeper who greeted me with affection, the laundry attendant who did impeccable work yet went wholly unnoticed; these were the faces of my research. Hotel scheduling policies, however, allowed them little flexibility to accommodate their family lives.

I found myself uncharacteristically nervous on the morning of my presentation. As I spoke, the management committee heard not just my voice, but the voices of all those depending on me. My confidence grew with each account, and my passion resonated with every word. The management committee quickly understood that this was a matter far beyond mere numbers and statistics. These were lives and livelihoods, mothers and fathers, Hispanics and Americans. Upon my conclusion, I left the room hopeful that my words would induce tangible changes to hotel policy.

After a month of silence, the management committee contacted all employees to outline a number of changes to hotel scheduling policies. This moment will forever be enshrined in my heart, as I was overwhelmed with a sense of victory. This victory, however, did not belong to me, but to all those whom I was so compelled to fight for. What began as a passing curiosity became an enduring passion, and I decided to continue this work through a career in labor and employment law.

I greatly enjoyed my first year at [old law school], but [new law school] has long been my dream institution. Whether my career leads me to defend individual rights or serve as in-house counsel to a hospitality organization, [new school]’s unique location provides wonderful opportunities. The [X] area is home to various rights groups and hospitality organizations including the ACLU and Starwood Hotels. With close access to such organizations, coupled with [new school]’s sterling academic reputation, I will have endless opportunities within [area of new law school]’s labor and employment law community. I am greatly impressed with [new law school]’s academic programs and breadth of offerings in the field of labor and employment law. I am familiar with and particularly interested in Professor [X}’s scholarship on the future of labor relations. I also hope to participate in [new school]’s unique [community services] Program as I continue to serve [area of new school]’s vibrant and expansive Hispanic community.

My fiancé recently earned a masters degree from [new school]’s Graduate School of Arts and Sciences and secured a position in [area of new school]. We decided that it would be best to remain in close proximity to one another, so it is important that I return to [area of new school]; my home for the past 20 years. These circumstances, rather than pose an inconvenience, present a wonderful opportunity to both return home to my fiancé, and attend my dream institution for law school. I hope to contribute to and learn from the vibrant and unique [new law school] community as I continue my pursuit of a career in labor and employment law.

weejonbu
Posts: 219
Joined: Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:48 pm

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby weejonbu » Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:05 pm

I saw the name of the law school you're transferring to before you redacted it, but don't worry, your secret is safe with me ;-)

All in all, I thought it was quite a solid PS. There are a few lines like "enshrined in my heart" and "my passion resonated" that were a little flowery, but hey, those are minor things. Good job!

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:15 pm

Your transfer essay is fine & should help. As an aside, your essay is really about thwarting unionization efforts.

kaiser
Posts: 2940
Joined: Mon May 09, 2011 11:34 pm

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby kaiser » Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:16 pm

weejonbu wrote:I saw the name of the law school you're transferring to before you redacted it, but don't worry, your secret is safe with me ;-)

All in all, I thought it was quite a solid PS. There are a few lines like "enshrined in my heart" and "my passion resonated" that were a little flowery, but hey, those are minor things. Good job!


Lol, thank you. I will tone down some of the overly flowery wording.

kaiser
Posts: 2940
Joined: Mon May 09, 2011 11:34 pm

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby kaiser » Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:47 pm

Any other comments? Im sending this thing out real soon.

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starchinkilt
Posts: 361
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 4:22 am

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby starchinkilt » Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:55 pm

kaiser wrote:Any other comments? Im sending this thing out real soon.


Looks solid. Send that out asap.

asdfffff
Posts: 21
Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2011 12:32 pm

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby asdfffff » Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:17 pm

starchinkilt wrote:
kaiser wrote:Any other comments? Im sending this thing out real soon.


Looks solid. Send that out asap.



Agreed.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Jul 04, 2011 4:40 pm

Dig deeper and rewrite the last two paragraphs. They are very run of the mill and not as well written as the top half.

Also, go back and make each sentence as tight and concise as you can. For example, "After a month of silence, the management committee contacted all employees to outline a number of changes to hotel scheduling policies" could be "After a month of deliberation, management followed my recommendations and improved the hotel scheduling policies."

kaiser
Posts: 2940
Joined: Mon May 09, 2011 11:34 pm

Re: Transfer PS Critique

Postby kaiser » Mon Jul 04, 2011 4:51 pm

kublaikahn wrote:Dig deeper and rewrite the last two paragraphs. They are very run of the mill and not as well written as the top half.

Also, go back and make each sentence as tight and concise as you can. For example, "After a month of silence, the management committee contacted all employees to outline a number of changes to hotel scheduling policies" could be "After a month of deliberation, management followed my recommendations and improved the hotel scheduling policies."


Thats been my biggest problem: the "why do you want to transfer" part. You said I should "dig deeper". Do you think I should list out different reasons for transferring? Or try and make those reasons sound more compelling? I'm almost thinking that, in the interests of time, I should send it out as is, but I'm absolutely willing to change things if it doesn't come off right.




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